


Shock And Awe

by 1WoundedSoul1



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Abuse, F/F, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2019-08-21 23:53:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 35
Words: 87,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16586717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1WoundedSoul1/pseuds/1WoundedSoul1
Summary: JJ and Emily have a complicated history.  They had feelings for each other, but JJ got scared and ran away, straight into a relationship with Will.  Then everything changed when Ian Doyle showed up. Part of Emily's secretive past caught up with her.  Emily faced Ian and survived, but no one but Hotch, Strauss, and the Ambassador knew she survived.  When she finally returned, she didn't come back the same person she was when she left.JJ didn't come back from her secretive time away the same either.  The team thought she was at the State Department.  Know one knew she was in the Middle East trying to find terrorists or grieving, thinking Emily died fighting Ian.Emily is back, but is still keeping some big secrets from everyone, but JJ has a couple big secrets of her own.  Can they find their way back to each other?





	1. What Did I Expect?

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMERS: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters, so no profit is intended. Please request before archiving. 
> 
> A/N: This starts up at Epilogue (07x06). I will start off there, but the first few chapters will switch back and forth between Emily and JJ’s POV and briefly touch on some of the major situations and events that have led them up to this point in the story (for context purposes). I will add some more detailed flashbacks later, from those events and earlier episodes, for both entertainment and storyline purposes. In some of the chapters, violence towards primary characters is discussed. I will give you a warning when those chapters come up. 
> 
> A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you. 
> 
> A/N: More occurred within several of the episodes (which will be brought up in flashbacks), but for now, it is important to note that in this story, there was no Senate Hearing, as the request was made by Ambassador Prentiss and approved by Strauss for Emily to be covertly sent overseas, and only Hotch was aware of the decision. JJ and the rest of the BAU team didn’t find out Emily was alive until right before Emily’s return. 
> 
> A/N: This is my first fanfic, so please let me know what you think!  
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” ~ Robert Frost  
“No amount of thought can ever reveal what comes unexpectedly.” ~ Arthur Erickson  
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Chapter 1

I don’t know what I expected when I first returned from Europe, after the whole pretending to be dead thing. It’s not like I had been away on vacation or something, but I guess a part of me had hoped everything would just return to normal. Or at least as normal as they could be given the unusual circumstances. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I still had so many secrets that no one on the team knew about, and though I considered everyone on the team my family, once I came back, I just felt out of place. It was as if my leaving had somehow changed the intricate balance within our team. It wasn’t exactly noticeable by those outside of our tight-knit group, but it was bubbling just below the surface. 

Looking back, I wonder if I could have done things differently, or if my leaving has done irreparable damage to my team. I had been replaying so many of those moments leading up to when I faced Ian. All of the secrets I had kept from my team, in an attempt to keep them all safe, along with the rest of my family. All of those moments, and so many others, kept replaying over and over again in my head. It’s not as though I thought everything would be exactly the same with my team. They had learned some troubling information about my past that I had always intended on keeping secret. That, I knew, changed how they saw me. But, I had hoped that when I returned, they would still treat me basically the same as before I left. The problem was that they tried to treat me the same, but I could tell that in many ways, it was forced. While I knew they were happy I was back with them, back with the team, some of the trust that had taken years to build was broken.

I also knew that when I returned, I wasn’t the same person I had been before I left all of those months ago. Something inside of me was broken as well. I tried to hide it, but it’s difficult to hide things from a group of profilers, even when you are at the top of your game. When you’re broken inside, it is nearly impossible. Trying to keep the fact that I was completely broken inside, along with trying to maintain the rest of my closely guarded secrets from everyone, was simply becoming too difficult. I knew that eventually, they would all realize that the strong, determined, unbreakable woman that had been a part of their team and family before Ian showed up, had returned as a mere shell of that woman. I was simply playing a role…a part…and it was becoming more and more difficult to keep up appearances. I was slowly falling apart and my team was starting to pick up on the subtle signs of my internal chaos. 

The first few weeks, I was able to keep up appearances pretty well. It was probably due to the fact that everyone was just happy to see me, and the shock overrode any idiosyncrasies that may have otherwise been noticeable. However, the longer I was back, the more things became obvious to everyone. I didn’t spend time outside of work with the team, like I did before the Ian mess. I always had an excuse to go straight home. I kept my distance, at least emotionally, from everyone. I would do what needed to be done, but outside of work obligations, I kept everyone at an arm’s length. 

I did try to make an effort to appear engaged with my team. I tried to mend the relationships that had been damaged by absence. But, when you’re not entirely invested emotionally, your behavior and actions are not as effective, and can appear odd to those around you. Eventually, my odd behavior became too obvious to ignore. I explained away most of it, by letting the team know that Tom and Declan were staying with me, until they got settled into a new home. But, once they got settled, I ran out of excuses to avoid the team. That led to more problems. I could only use the excuse of being tired, or having a previous engagement so often, before they became suspicious. I really did have my reasons for keeping my distance, and they were valid, but I simply couldn’t tell them what they were. I had a tenuous grasp on the trust I had been able to regain with them. If they figured out that I was still keeping secrets, whatever trust they still had in me, would be forever shattered. 

On top of that, the cases were starting to get to me physically, mentally, and emotionally. That hadn’t been a problem before I left, or at least not to a point where I couldn’t cope with them. While I may not have had the healthiest of coping mechanisms, my team never noticed any outward distress. That wasn’t the case once I returned. Now it seemed as though every case brought back some previously locked away memory or triggered something that I wanted to forget. It was as if fate were trying to send me some kind of sign. I tried to ignore the signs, but the cases kept getting worse as the days and weeks went on, as did my ability to cope. 

The last couple of weeks had been even more difficult, with the cases hitting even closer to home. They were more like my own personal experiences than before, or at least that was my interpretation, but the last few had been really bad. In the past, whenever a case became too personal, I was able to separate my own experiences from our cases, or at least compartmentalize them so the team wouldn’t notice any connection. In an effort to avoid my own internal chaos and compartmentalization issues, I started focusing my energy on trying to repair my relationships with my team. 

I had a few conversations with Morgan, Garcia, and Reid, trying to repair the damage my absence had caused. I may have gone a little overboard. I started spending more time with them since I had once I returned. I just I wanted them to know how truly sorry I was that they had been hurt by my “death”. 

I tried to help Hotch with his extra paperwork and issues he was having at home with Jack. Although I doubt he appreciated my opinion on how to handle his son, he seemed to at least appreciate the effort at repairing the team cohesiveness. 

I spent time with Rossi. We had always had a unique relationship. I saw him as a pseudo-father figure. While I had a father of my own, that relationship had always been complicated. What I had with Rossi was simple, for the most part. I admired Rossi for so many reasons, most of which had nothing to do with profiling. He was just an understanding, empathic person. He seemed destined to become involved in failed relationships, though he never seemed to give up on the idea of love. When he told me that he was contacted by his first wife and thought they might have a chance again, I could not have been happier for him. He deserved to find happiness. I knew deep down I probably wouldn’t. 

The one person from our team that I actively didn’t seek out, and avoided any extra time with was JJ. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy her company or want to spend time with her; quite the opposite in fact. In truth, I had been in love with JJ from the first moment I saw her years earlier. The problem was that she didn’t feel the same way about me. There had been a time that I thought she had, that I thought we might have had a chance, but I was wrong. She was with Will now and they had a beautiful son. It simply hurt too much to be around her. I knew she had been reaching out to me once I returned, but I actively avoided spending time alone with her. Any conversations I had with her were purposely not private by design. I made sure those conversations were in public, where neither of us would be tempted to become too emotional. I had always kept everyone at an arm’s length, never letting anyone get too close to me. JJ had managed to sneak inside at one point, beyond my walls, and I had to make sure that she didn’t get that chance again.   
After another weekend away, being a version of myself long hidden from my team, I spent late Sunday evening compartmentalizing everything that had occurred over the past few days. I took a little time and prepared for another week as Emily Prentiss, FBI Profiler. I had done this dance for so long, switching between personas, that I had it became a natural transition. 

I showed up to work on Monday morning, bright and early. I had to come in early that morning to talk to Hotch and Rossi. Hotch had called me late Sunday asking me to come into to the office to speak to him. When I arrived, thankfully no one else was in the bullpen. I went up to Hotch’s office and knocked quietly, having noticed the soft light emanating from below the door. 

“Come in” Hotch replied. 

“You wanted to see me” I responded. 

“Yeah, close the door. I need to talk to you about something” was his quiet reply. Not sure I like the sound of that. 

“Okay. What’s this about?” I question. 

“I got a call from Detective Jackson. Lucas Meyers was released on parole yesterday” Hotch sadly replied. 

My heart dropped. I hadn’t heard that name in months, or thought of him. 

Sensing my unease, Hotch continued “Emily…Rossi and I want to inform the rest of team about this situation. I want Garcia to have some security cameras installed at your condo. Detective Jackson insisted that you weren’t in any danger, and that as a condition of Meyer’s parole he was not to have any contact with you whatsoever. But, you and I both know he may want revenge against you. I want to make sure you’re safe” Hotch insisted.

“No, Hotch. I don’t want any of the others to know what happened. I understand that you’re trying to protect me, and I appreciate that. But I don’t want anyone else to worry about me. It’s bad enough that you and Rossi are involved. Besides, I already have a high-tech security system installed at my condo. I had it put in when I realized Ian had escaped. There are cameras all around the perimeter of the building, as well as inside different areas within the building itself. I also have a few inside my condo. I can access them from the system at home, or from my phone or tablet. If he shows up, whether I’m home or not, I’ll know” I reply, trying to maintain my calm facade. 

I take a deep calming breath before I continue. ”Why wasn’t I notified about his parole hearing?” 

“They didn’t realize you were alive. The hearing took place when you were still in Europe before Ian was located” Hotch replies. 

I nod in understanding. Ian is still causing problems. I was hoping once he was dead, I wouldn’t have to worry about that anymore, but I guess that is too much to hope for. He’ll always be a part of my life, in one way or another. I guess I always knew that. I just didn’t realize in how many ways. I shake my head trying to rid those thoughts as I realize Hotch has started speaking again. 

“As for your security system, can we at least provide the uplink to Garcia? That way we can make sure the cameras are being monitored at all times for unusual activity. You won’t be able to watch them 24/7. But, we can assign someone to monitor them for you, at least until we can determine Lucas is no longer a threat to you. We just got you back Emily. I don’t think our team would survive something happening to you again; especially not so soon after your return” Hotch insisted. 

“Hotch, you know Garcia. If you say anything to her about this, everyone on the team will find out, and that’s the last thing I want” I start to argue. 

“I’ll make sure she doesn’t” Hotch interrupts. “Just give me the information for your security system so that I can have Garcia start working on this. Please Emily, trust me. We couldn’t protect you from Ian, but I promise you, we will protect you from Lucas. He’ll never get a chance to hurt you again” Hotch pleaded, handing me a pen and paper. 

Looking through my phone, I write down the information Garcia will need to access my security system. “Just make sure she doesn’t say anything…to anyone. Please.” I quietly insist.

“Thank you for trusting me Emily. And hopefully, he’ll violate his parole, or pick up some new charges soon, and he’ll be back in prison where he belongs. I also have a call in to his parole officer, to make sure that he is aware of the situation. I want to make it clear, that he is to keep a close eye on Lucas as well” Hotch adds.

“Thanks Hotch” I reply, as I turn and walk out of his office. Well, it looks like this day is just going to completely suck.


	2. Afterlife?

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“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.” ~ Coco Chanel

"Our life is made by the death of others." ~ Leonardo Da Vinci  
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Chapter 2

As I start to walk over to my desk, I pass Garcia. She gives me a small smile and walks into Hotch’s office. I’m not entirely sure if she is going in there to talk about me or a case. Either way, she seems to be missing her usual spark. Definitely not looking like it’s going to be a good day. 

I look up as I make my way to my desk, noticing JJ is leaning against my desk waiting for me. God she is beautiful. I try to school my features as I calmly make my way to my desk. As I sit down in my chair, I look up and notice Rossi sitting by himself near the coffee maker. I make a mental note to speak with him later. Something seems off with him this morning, though I’m not sure now whether that has to do with his newly rekindled relationship with Caroline, or with what I just found out from Hotch. 

“Hey Em, how was your weekend?” JJ quietly asks. 

“It was good. You?” I reply, glancing up to meet her eyes. Nope, shouldn’t have done that. Those beautiful blue eyes catch mine as she smiles at me. I swear, between her eyes and that smile, I don’t know if my heart can take it. 

“It was good. I tried to call you a couple of times. I was hoping we could get together, but I kept getting your voicemail” she said, a hint of sadness in her voice. 

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I saw that you called, but didn’t get a chance to call you back. I knew it wasn’t about work, since you always text me if it has something to do with a case” I reply. I heard the phone ringing every time, but couldn’t make myself answer it. I knew she wouldn’t leave a message unless it was about work. I just wasn’t up to talking to her. Between everything that was going on this weekend, and how I feel about her, it was easier and safer for both of us that way. Plus, I was being a coward. 

“Maybe if we don’t get a case today, do you wanna go for drinks after work?” She asks.

I avoid answering her directly, and point out the conversation between Garcia and Hotch. “Well, by the looks of that conversation, I’m guessing we have a case.” 

I would love to go out for drinks with her, but I can’t. Being around her just reminds me of how close we used to be, and how we aren’t anymore. God, she is absolutely stunning today. Propped up against my desk; I wonder if she realizes the affect she has on me? She probably does. I wonder sometimes if she gets off by purposely turning me on whenever she can? I shake my head clear of my rambling thoughts when I realize she has started talking. So I try to once again to school my features and focus on the conversation, instead of the skirt she is wearing, which has started sliding up her slightly parted legs on my desk.  
“I so don't miss that face. No matter how many cases we solve, there's always more” JJ quietly states. 

“Insert Dr. Reid's statistic about active serial killers at any given time here” I interject. 

“Reid?” JJ whistles to get Reid’s attention. “Spencer...” 

“There's something wrong” Reid quietly replies. 

“Why do you say that?” JJ replies. 

“He's been reading the same page for 16 minutes and 24 seconds” Reid answers. 

“Maybe it's a really good article” I attempt an explanation. 

“It's never taken him longer than 11 minutes, 17 seconds to turn a page” Reid further explains his reasoning. 

My surprised response “You time how long it...” 

I look up to see JJ shaking her head at me with a smile, so I stop my question and finish by asking, “What's your theory?” 

“I'm extrapolating probabilities as we speak” Reid concludes while looking at his watch, walking away from us and towards Rossi. 

JJ and I follow Reid towards Rossi, in an attempt to discover what Reid might have “extrapolated”. I had noticed earlier that something seemed off with Rossi. I just hope whatever has him so distracted has nothing to do with my situation with Lucas. 

“Oh, hey. Rossi, you think you could help me with a consult for Wildwood PD?” Morgan walks in, finding Rossi blankly staring at the newspaper. 

“Uh, sure” Rossi distractedly replies. 

“Now, that I noticed” JJ half-heartedly jokes. Too bad she doesn’t seem to notice how her never-ending flirtatious behavior affects me. 

“Is something going on?” Morgan asks. 

“How did it go the other night?” I ask, trying to deflect in case the reason for his distraction has anything to do with me. 

“What happened the other night?” Morgan inquires. 

“You Ok?” Reid inquires. 

“Well, why wouldn't I be?” Rossi replies. 

“You seem…distracted” JJ replies, glancing back over her shoulder at me. 

“Just a late night, that’s all” Rossi responds. 

“Guys…conference room” Hotch calls to us.

Everyone turns to head to the conference room. I wait behind so I can speak with Rossi privately. “You sure you’re okay Rossi?” I whisper as we begin walking towards the conference room.

“Honestly, no. I’ll talk to you about it later though Emily. Did Hotch get a chance to talk to you this morning?” Rossi whispered in reply. 

“Yeah. Everything is sorted out for now. And whenever you want to talk, I’m here” I reply.

“I know, and thanks Emily. The same goes for you too though” Rossi quickly replies as we walk into the conference room together, taking our seats. 

The briefing was routine, but at the end, Hotch motioned for me to stay. Garcia and him were the only ones left in the room. I knew then it had something to do with Lucas. He said “I gave all of your security information to Garcia. She’s already gotten into your system and has started monitoring all of your cameras.” 

Garcia gave me a sad smile and pulled me into a quick hug, saying “I’m going to make sure that nothing happens to you, Em. We weren’t able to help you before. But this time, you aren’t alone. And I promise, I won’t say anything, unless you say it’s okay. Okay?” 

Hugging Garcia back, I nod and say “Thanks Garcia. I really appreciate it.” With that, I turn and start to walk out of the conference room, but notice that JJ has caught my interaction with Hotch and Garcia. No doubt, she will wonder what we were discussing, and why Garcia felt the need to offer me a hug. Hopefully, she will let the issue drop, but knowing her, she probably won’t. I quickly exit the room, grabbing my go-bag so I can head to the jet with everyone else. Yep, definitely going to be a long day. 

The case we were briefed on started off normally enough, this one in California. Three victims were drowned, and one was missing. By the time we were on the jet headed to our destination, the missing man was found dead. Reid and I went to the ME’s office to see what we could discover. The ME was able to provide us with some interesting leads, though the topic of CPR and multiple resuscitations seemed to affect Reid. In reality, those topics bother me as well; though I didn’t let on they had any effect on me. I really don’t want anyone to realize that I have any connection to the topic of requiring CPR. We all know what happened with Reid and Tobias Hankel because we all had to witness it. No one needs to know anything about what has happened to me over the years. 

Unfortunately, my intention of keeping everything to myself didn’t work out the way I planned. I slipped up and crossed the line. I let my walls down a little too low and opened up one of my hidden compartments. My team couldn’t understand what our UnSub wanted to learn from his victims, by talking to them after bringing them back to life. I understood his motivations a little too well. 

I hadn’t planned on saying anything to them. At least anything that would be too personal; anything that would lead them to believe I had anything other than a passing knowledge or theory as to why our UnSub was behaving in the manner he was. Unfortunately, sometimes, your brain overrides your better judgment and you say things out loud that you normally wouldn’t. I screwed up and said too much.  
The conversation started off normally enough, but quickly got out of hand. 

Morgan stated, disbelievingly, “Come on, guys.  
Gentle lights, shadowy figures?  
Those are the lights in the emergency room and the doctors hovering over the patients.  
We all know that.  
No one actually sees the afterlife.” 

Reid shook his head in disagreement. “I did.  
Before Tobias Hankel resuscitated me, I had that exact experience.  
And I wasn't in an emergency room.  
I was in a shed.” 

“Reid, you never told me that.” Morgan replied, surprised by Reid’s admission. 

Reid quickly explained, “I'm a man of science.  
I didn't know how to deal with it.  
There's no quantifiable proof that God exists, and yet, in that moment I was faced with something that I couldn't explain.  
I still can't.” 

Realizing that I could relate to Reid’s experience, I completely understood what he was trying to tell everyone, especially Morgan, who didn’t seem to fully comprehend the explanation. I tried to expand on Reid’s explanation by adding what I thought the UnSub was trying to accomplish. 

“He wanted to see if he had the same experience as before.” I added, without giving too much away, regarding how I came to this understanding. 

“Once isn't enough?” JJ looked to me, inquiring. 

I glanced over to JJ, then back down at my hands, quietly answering her question in my head. 

It wasn’t for me. Even with more than one experience of my own, I still have no idea what the afterlife really has in store for me. I can only guess at this point. If our UnSubs’ experiences are anything like mine, he’s probably just as curious as I am. The only difference is that he’s killing people to find out the answer to his question. I’m just plagued by nightmares about my experiences and lingering questions. 

Realizing that everyone had been looking at me for a reply, I quickly continued “Not if the victim didn't see the same thing the UnSub did. He wants to know if the experience can change. I can relate to that. But...” I stopped speaking immediately as I glanced up, noticing everyone’s shocked expression. I should have never said I can relate, but they just weren’t getting it. I couldn’t tell them what I had been thinking earlier, but telling them that I could relate to the UnSub obviously wasn’t much better. Now the problem was that I had said too much. They’re going to expect more details, based on the looks I’m getting. 

Ahhh…Fuck it…guess I don’t have a choice now…“Reid felt a warmth and saw a light.  
When I coded in the ambulance, all I felt was cold and darkness.  
And I would like to think that there's a different future waiting for me.” I quickly explain as I glance around the table. Damn it. I didn’t want to tell them all of that, but they didn’t understand what I was trying to say. I hate the way they are all looking at me with those looks of pity, sadness, and something else I can’t quite figure out. I can’t stand looking weak. Please…someone change the subject. 

Opening up about one of my own experiences wasn’t part of my plan. I realized as soon as I did, they understood Chase’s motivation. But, they also looked at me differently as well. Once I finished my explanation, I knew they had caught a glimpse behind some of my walls, and inside some of those compartments, that I usually had hidden from everyone. I used to be so much better at hiding that side of myself. Clearly, I had lost some of my ability to compartmentalize somewhere along the way. 

Seeing my team look at me with pity was something I never wanted. I tried to slam those compartments closed again…lock them back up tight and put the walls back up, but it was too late. They already saw what I never wanted to show anyone. Thankfully, the subject was changed before anyone could ask too many questions. The only one to have a chance to ask anything was Reid. 

“You actually died?” Reid quietly asked. Shit. He looks so sad. 

I think he knew the answer though by the look on my face. I think they all did. But, I deflected and avoided a direct answer. 

Morgan, sensing my discomfort, stepped in and stated “All right, but resuscitation is hit or miss. He can't guarantee that he can actually bring anyone back, let alone that anyone will remember what happened in their moment so-called death.

“Reid, what's the best way to make sure his victims had an experience?” Hotch asked. 

“Keep them dead longer.” Reid replied, still looking at me for my reply to his earlier question. 

I wish I were dead or at least invisible at this point. I just hope he lets the subject drop. I can’t take that sad look on his face, or anyone else’s right now. 

I look up and see Rossi in one of the offices. The look on his face tells me that something else is going on. I step away to speak with him. That takes the focus away from me and this awkward conversation. Plus, I can see that Rossi needs to talk. 

“I take it that phone call wasn’t good news?” I quietly ask. 

“It was Caroline. She has ALS” Rossi sadly whispers. 

“Rossi, I'm-- what do you need?” I stutter my response. I wasn’t expecting that, though that explains why he was so distracted the other morning. I hate to see him so upset. I know he was hoping for another chance with her. Now that’s been taken from him. 

“It's not what I need, Emily. It's what she's asking me to do. The disease is acting quickly. Caroline is already suffering, and she doesn't want to go out that way. She wants to die on her own terms. And when this case is over and we get back... She asked if I would help her do it” Rossi quietly states. 

I know how Caroline must feel. I have felt the same way, though under completely different circumstances. I didn’t want to die in a hospital either. That’s why I asked Derek, in that warehouse, to just let me go. When it’s time for me to die, I would want the exact same thing. I would want it to be on my terms, not because someone else or something else took the choice away from me. Maybe that’s because I’m a control freak, who knows. Either way, I can’t imagine what Rossi must be feeling. Even if I made the same decision that Caroline did, I don’t think I could ever ask someone else to be involved. 

My sad reply “What are you gonna do?” 

“I don't have a choice” Rossi quietly whispers his reply. 

As much as it breaks his heart, Rossi is so understanding and empathic, he simply can’t let Caroline die alone. I admire that about him. I’m not sure I would be able to be that strong. I couldn’t ask someone to be there when I die, knowing how much pain that would cause them. Nor do I think I could be strong enough to hold someone I loved so deeply slip away. And people wonder why I have so many walls built up around my heart. It is to protect myself from getting hurt, just like Rossi will end up getting hurt, yet again.


	3. Unanswered Questions

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“Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.” ~ Voltaire  
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Chapter 3

When we saved the final two victims and revived Chase, I had the urge to ask him what he saw. My own morbid curiosity seeking the answers to the same questions that Chase had been searching for. I too was curious if past experiences could change. For my own sake, based on what I saw, I really hoped they did. But, Reid was standing right next to me, and the rest of my team was within earshot of us as well. I didn’t want them to ask any more questions, so I just walked away. 

I chanced a glance towards the others and noticed JJ watching me with concern evident in her expression. She started walking towards me, but Hotch called for her to join him and Rossi and head back to the station. I could tell she was disappointed, but I was a little relieved. I didn’t have the strength to handle a conversation with anyone at that point, especially not one with JJ. I watched as she turned, walking back towards the black SUV, glancing over her shoulder at me once more before climbing inside. 

Morgan drove Reid and me back to the hotel to change while the rest of the team finished up at the station, since both of us were soaking wet from jumping in the lake. We needed to shower and change so we could be ready to fly back home later that afternoon. The answers to my own questions, regarding the afterlife, would just have to wait for another time and place. 

The drive back to the hotel was basically quiet, although I could tell both Reid and Morgan were stealing glances in my direction. They made small talk between themselves while I just stared out the window. 

Morgan finally broke the silence with me when he asked “You doin’ okay Prentiss?” 

“Yeah. I’m okay. I’ll be better once I shower and change into some dry clothes though.” 

Morgan just nodded, though I could tell by his expression, as well as Reid’s, that neither really believed me. Thankfully, neither one asked any more questions. We finally reached the hotel and made our way up to our rooms. 

As I was reaching for my hotel room door, I heard Morgan say “I’ll meet you both downstairs in an hour.” 

Reid gave me a quick glance, and nodded to Morgan, as he made his way into his room. 

As I nodded to Morgan and started inside my own room, I heard him ask “are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine Morgan. Really. I’ll see you both downstairs in an hour.” 

With that, I finished walking into my room and closed the door. I finally had a moment to myself. My thoughts had been racing since this I walked into the station Monday morning. I kept replaying everything that happened with Lucas, this case, and everything that happened at the station earlier that day. I’d managed to keep it altogether until earlier in the day, when I let my guard down a little too much and saw the looks I got from everyone on my team. Pity, sadness, and something else I can’t really describe. None of which I wanted or really knew how to process. I love my team and I know that Morgan and Reid were both worried. The rest of the team probably was too. 

I knew by the look on JJ’s face that she’d been upset. But, I’d purposely avoided her after that awkward conversation at the station, about Chase and the afterlife. I just didn’t have the strength to deal with a serious conversation with her yet. I hadn’t had the time to build my walls back up. I was still too raw and she’d always been able to get too close and read me a little too well. It was just too risky for me to be too close to her right now. 

Yet another reason I was relieved that Hotch had asked her to go to the station with him. If he hadn’t, she would have insisted on coming back to the hotel with me to make sure I was okay. Based on the look I saw in her eyes at the station, and at the lake, I’m sure she wanted me to console her as well. No matter what the current situation was, or what it had been in the past, I loved and supported JJ; even if it broke my heart to do so. I just wish it was the same for her, because whether by choice or consequence, JJ hadn’t always done the same for me. 

As for everything else, the situation with Lucas and his parole, the team’s obvious concern for me, the case itself, all of the secrets I was still trying to keep hidden, along with trying to figure out a way to build my internal walls back up and reinforce my compartments, my mind began to race. I stripped off all of my wet clothes. I realized that I didn’t even want to bother taking them back with me, so I just threw them away. Traveling with wet clothes just seemed like too much trouble and effort; plus I could always replace them. I checked my phone to make sure I hadn’t missed any calls or messages, and then set it, along with my badge and gun on the table, and walked towards my go-bag sitting on the bed. Hopefully, a nice hot shower would help clear my mind.


	4. JJ's Thoughts

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“Life is a dangerous thing. Insecurity is the price of living.” ~ Alija Izetbegovic

"Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.” ~ Anne Roiphe  
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Chapter 4

We really didn’t have much to do at the station, as the local police generally handled everything after a suspect was caught or killed. We just had basic paperwork that needed to be completed. Once that was taken care of, Hotch, Rossi, and I headed back to the hotel to pick up all of our belongings, so we could make our way back home. With Hotch driving as usual, I was able to contact the flight crew on my way back to the hotel, letting them know when we would be arriving at the jet. 

I spoke with the hotel manager, letting him know we would all be checking out, and provided him with the details of where to send his invoices for payment. I thanked him for the wonderful service we all received, as I normally do on cases, and made my way to my room. I thought briefly of going to check on Emily, but I could tell by the look she gave me earlier that she wanted some space. Besides, I planned on talking to her once she was on the jet. She had been avoiding me for weeks, and I knew, deep down, something was wrong. 

Then I saw her talking to Hotch and Garcia on Monday in the conference room. Garcia gave her a hug, and when she turned around and saw me, she had averted her eyes. I tried to ask Garcia about it before we left on our case, but Garcia said everything was fine. Garcia could never lie to me, or anyone else for that matter, so I knew she was lying. But she wouldn’t tell me what was going on. Whatever was going on with Emily, that was causing her to be so distant, Garcia and Hotch knew at least part of the reason. I had tried countless times to talk to Emily, to find out what was wrong, but always got the same basic response. Everything was fine. I knew better. Seeing her talking to Garcia and Hotch just confirmed it. She was shutting me out. 

I quickly threw all of my things in my go-bag and made my way back downstairs to the lobby. Hotch and Rossi were already there waiting for me. We loaded all of our things up in the SUV and made our way to the jet. Before long, the three of us were on the jet, awaiting Morgan, Reid, and Emily’s arrival, so that we could return home. I informed the pilot that we would be leaving once they arrived and I made sure that we had everything in order for our flight. I made some coffee, as I know that everyone on our team inhales it as if it were air. After pouring myself a cup, I sat back in one of the oversized seats with a blanket wrapped around myself, and waited for Emily to arrive. While I waited, I thought about what I wanted to say to Emily once she was on the jet. I knew she’d try and tell me she was fine or simply shut me out entirely, but I wasn’t going to let her do that this time. I couldn’t; I needed her in my life too much to give up now. 

Hearing her talking today about the UnSub and the afterlife. Hearing her say that she coded in the ambulance. That all she felt was cold and darkness, I realized that even though she is alive, I still almost lost her. She really did die the night she fought Ian, even though they were able to bring her back. The thought of losing her again terrifies me. 

I desperately need to talk to her. I have something I need to tell her. Something I should have told her years ago. If I would have, things may have turned out so differently. I know she’s kept secrets from me and our team, but I have kept a few of my own from everyone. Maybe once she finds out one of the major ones, she’ll finally let some of those walls down and let me in. I lost her once, and that nearly killed me. I can’t lose her again. 

I glance down at my watch again. She should be getting here with Morgan and Reid any minute. Once she’s here, I’m going to sit down and talk to her. I’m going to tell her that I won’t let her avoid me any longer. I’m going to follow her back to her place and we’re going to talk. I have to tell her what I should have told her all of those years ago. Maybe once I do, things might get better between us. At least then I’ll know. I just know that I can’t keep wondering and hiding. She means too much to me. I have to at least try. I just hope she still wants to try after all this time too. 

I wish I could say that it all started when she came back, the distance between us, but I know that it started way before then, and I know that I am partially, if not completely, to blame. I knew from the moment I first saw her that my life would never be the same again, and I was right. I just never imagined exactly how much my life would change. 

At first, I didn’t understand my feelings for her. I knew that I felt closer to her than anyone else in my life before. She made me feel safe and loved. I mistook that for a deep friendship at first. Then things went a little too far and we kissed. I didn’t handle it very well and I knew that hurt her deeply. I just didn’t understand what it was that I was feeling at the time. I panicked. I wanted to be close to her, so badly, but at the same time, I was scared. Not of her, but of my own feelings. I would let my guard down, or need to feel safe in her arms, or loved as only she could do. But then my fear would come back, and I would run from her. I’d never been attracted to a woman before, so my feelings for her just didn’t make any sense to me. But, there was just something about her that kept pulling me towards her, like some kind of hidden magnet. 

Then, to make matters even more complicated, we picked up a case down in New Orleans. I got paired up with a detective that, while cute and sweet, decided that after flirting with Emily wasn’t getting him anywhere, he would take a shot at flirting with me. Apparently, there weren’t that many attractive women in his orbit, so when two showed up at once, he didn’t know what to do with himself. After Emily quickly shot him down, he focused all of his efforts and attention on me. I can’t say I wasn’t flattered. Besides, I was still so confused about my feelings for Emily. By that time, Emily and I had kissed a couple of times, and I always felt safe with her, drawn to her, but I didn’t think I was supposed to feel that way. Will was the kind of person that I was supposed to be attracted to, right? I wasn’t supposed to be attracted to someone like Emily. Not only because she was a woman, but because she was so far out of my class it was ridiculous. Will wasn’t like that. He was just an average guy. I didn’t have to worry about being good enough for him, or losing my job or family if I decided to date him. He was safe; Emily wasn’t. 

I gave him my card when the case was over and we struck up a long-distance relationship. We started off just talking on the phone, but then he started flying up to see me when he wasn’t working and I wasn’t on a case. Then we picked up a case that involved Emily’s mom, the Ambassador, and I was even more sure that Emily was out of my league. Watching how the two of them interacted, how powerful her mother was, the way her mother was completely dismissive of nearly everyone except Emily, Hotch, and Strauss, just reinforced my belief I would never fit in to her world. 

Then there was the case where Garcia got shot, and everything changed. Emily and I were both affected by it. After I shot and killed Battle, and I knew Garcia was safe, I was still on edge. I showed up at Emily’s place, needing to see her. I needed to feel safe and protected, and only she could do that for me. I may have been with Will, but he didn’t make me feel the way Emily did. I cared about him, but he couldn’t take away the pain I felt. He didn’t seem to know what I needed like Emily did. He couldn’t make me feel safe, loved, and protected. Just seeing Emily, being near her, was all I really needed to feel all of those things. It’s not that Will didn’t try, but we just didn’t seem to have the same deep connection that I had with Emily. 

After nearly losing Garcia, I needed that connection. I think in a lot of ways, Emily did too. Emily and I talked about a lot of things that night over wine. We both let our guards down and needed to feel something other than fear or pain. We needed to feel that connection with one another. The wine probably assisted with that process. But, I can’t blame it all on the wine, since I knew exactly what I was doing, and what I wanted. We both did. We made love that night. That was our first and last night together. I just hope that once she knows the truth, about what I have been keeping from her and everyone else, she’ll let me back into her life. I just need her to listen to me, to hear me out. Hopefully, after she finally learns what I’ve been keeping from everyone, that night won’t be our last night together.


	5. Losing Track of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In this chapter, violence towards primary character is briefly mentioned. 
> 
> A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“I can feel the hurt. There's something good about it. Mostly it makes me stop remembering.”   
~ Albert Borris

“She can paint a lovely picture, but this story has a twist. Her paintbrush is a razor, and her canvas is her wrist.” ~ Amy Efaw  
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Chapter 5

 

As I made my way towards my go-bag, my intention had been to get my dry clothes and everything I needed for my shower. Unfortunately, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I reached for the items I needed, and couldn’t help but stop and stare. I didn’t even recognize my own reflection in the mirror. I saw so many scars. I looked horrible. I literally couldn’t find one thing in that reflection I actually liked. I never did think I was attractive, even when I was younger. But, looking at my reflection now, I couldn’t see how anyone would ever want to look at me. Hell, I couldn’t stand to look at me. I had dark circles under my eyes, a brand on my chest, a wound from the stake Ian drove into me, scars from various self-inflicted wounds, plus so many others flaws and problems…each with their own story. Looking at all of them, thinking back to where each one came from, was overwhelming. That overwhelming feeling, combined with all of the thoughts from a few minutes earlier, caused my mind to start racing even more. I couldn’t even focus. 

Then, everything changed, and I started working as if I were on auto-pilot. I really had no idea what I was grabbing from my go-bag or what I was even doing. I just started moving through the room and walking towards the bathroom. My thoughts were a blur and my body started to move as if being directed by some other force. I didn’t even realize that one of the things I had picked up from my bag was a razor, until I felt the cold, sharp blade sliding down my arm. I watched the bright, red liquid flow down my arm, and drip into the sink, completely mesmerized by the patterns it was making on my arm and hand. The pain temporarily snapped me out of it. The racing thoughts in my head stopped for a short time. 

I grabbed the items for my shower and stepped under the spray of water. The hot water and stinging feeling hitting my arm kept me grounded long enough for me to finish the shower. When I turned the water off and grabbed the towel, I realized my arm was still bleeding. I may have went a little too deep this time. But, I wasn’t about to say anything to anyone about this. I had learned how to treat these kinds of wounds years ago…even those that probably needed professional medical treatment. This was one secret I was definitely going to keep from everyone. The last thing I needed or wanted was more pity…or worse, losing my job because I was thought to be too unstable to be in the field. I found my first aid kit in my go-bag and set to work on bandaging up my arm. 

I heard a knock on my door. It was Morgan. “Hey Prentiss. You okay in there?” He yelled through the door. 

“Yeah. Why?” I questioned. 

“You were supposed to be downstairs 20 minutes ago” was Morgan’s worried reply. 

I glanced over at the clock and I realized I had been in the bathroom for over an hour. Apparently I had lost track of time. I tried to keep my voice calm so as not to cause him more concern. “Sorry about that. I didn’t realize how long I had been. I tried to clean my clothes up before my shower. Just give me like 20 minutes, and I’ll be down.” 

“Okay. Everyone else is already on the jet. Reid and I will just wait for you downstairs.” He sounded worried, but didn’t say anything else. 

“Damn.” I quietly muttered to myself. I really need to start getting a handle on whatever is going on in my head. I can’t keep losing track of time like this, or everyone is going to know something more is going on with me. 

I went back to the bathroom and finished bandaging up my arm. I had to throw away the first bandages I started to use, because the blood had already soaked through them. But, at least it wasn’t as bad as it was a few minutes earlier. The bleeding seemed to have slowed down. I re-wrapped the wounds and pulled some extra supplies out in case I need them on the jet. Hopefully that wouldn’t be the case, but I don’t need to be digging through my bags on the jet if I do. I threw on my clothes that I had already set out and quickly dried my hair and put on some makeup to hide the dark circles under my eyes.

I threw the rest of my stuff in my go-bag, grabbed my badge, gun, and phone. I glance around the room, noticing the clock. Twenty minutes had passed. I know I need to get going or Morgan will be heading back up again, and he’ll insist on coming inside this time. I look around one last time, making sure I haven’t left anything behind and head downstairs. I see Reid and Morgan in the Lobby and make my way towards them. 

“You guys ready?” I casually ask. 

Morgan glances at me, and I can tell by the look on his face that he knows something is wrong. He doesn’t say anything, but judging by the look he gives me, he’ll want to talk once we are on the jet. “Yeah. Let’s head out.”

We get everything loaded in the SUV and start heading to the jet. Reid asks “Were you able to get your clothes cleaned up?”

“No. I finally gave up and just threw them away” I calmly reply. 

“Really? Mine weren’t that dirty...just wet. I just rinsed them off and put them in a plastic bag” Reid replied. 

“I tried that too, but then noticed they were dry clean only; So, I had to just throw them away.”

Morgan kept glancing between Reid and me during our conversation. I know he was trying to determine if there was something I was leaving out of my story, and how honest I was being. Hopefully he bought it. Though being the skilled profiler he is, I doubt he bought it entirely. 

We finally arrived at the jet. We all grabbed our bags and boarded. Receiving questioning looks from everyone, Morgan simply stated “sorry. We ran into a little traffic on the way.” 

Reid looked as if he were going to say something, but stopped short as Morgan shot him a warning look. With that, Reid just sat down and started reading. I found a seat in the corner, away from everyone else. 

Morgan came and sat across from me. He waited until I made eye contact with him and quietly said “Emily, I know something is going on with you. Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

“I’m fine Morgan, really. Just thinking about the case is all” was my equally quiet reply. 

“I know there’s more to it than that. But, I also know you. So, just know that I’ll be here for you whenever you’re ready to talk about it.”

I reached over and squeezed Morgan’s hand as I quickly glanced up into his understanding dark eyes. “Thanks.”

With that, he got up and went to sit at the other end of the plane. I turned my head to look out the window again as we took off. Once in the air, I started watching the clouds float by the window. 

I was hoping that I could use the time, flying back home, to sort through some of the thoughts that were still racing around in my head. My hope was that if I could do that, I could put some of the feelings and emotions back into one of my secret vaults where I could deal with them later, or not at all; Then I could go back to pretending everything was fine, and everyone would stop looking at me like I’d fall apart at any second. Or, like there was something wrong with me. Because right now, I had a tenuous grasp on holding everything inside; all of those feelings and emotions were threatening to spill out like a barely contained dam that was threatening to break at any second. 

I just really needed some time to put everything I was feeling back into the nice orderly compartments where they once resided, and start putting my walls back in place. However, I’m beginning to wonder if the part of me that I held on to so tightly, the one that was so good at compartmentalizing everything, still works. Maybe it never did, or maybe I just broke it along the way somewhere. Since it seems like it’s getting harder and harder to lock those feelings and emotions away every time they break free. 

The locks on some of those compartments, much like my heart, have been broken so many times, that even if I wanted to try and put them back together, I would discover large pieces were missing. The same could be said for my mind. I’ve locked away so many memories and secrets that it really doesn’t leave much room for anything else. Trying to lock away thoughts or memories into something that’s broken doesn’t always work out. 

I realize that there are only so many places within my mind and heart to hide things. Once those are filled, things start to spill into other compartments and affect other parts of my life, whether I want it to or not. It seems like all of my compartments have begun to overflow, break down, and completely disintegrate, and I have no idea how to repair that damage. I’ve put up extra walls around my heart and mind to reinforce those compartments. To keep others out and those hiding places safe, but even those extra walls will break down or fall apart eventually too. Who knows what will happen then. 

As I contemplate that thought, I sense someone sit down across from me. I don’t need to look over to know who it is. I could always sense whenever she’s near. 

“Hey. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine” I reply, still looking out the window. I am the opposite of fine, but it isn’t your concern. 

“We need to talk.”

“About?” Not sure I really want to know the answer that. 

“You’ve been avoiding me…pushing me away. You wouldn’t even look at me after we left the station today. Then at the lake, you looked relieved when Hotch asked me to go back to the station. I know something’s wrong, and I’m worried about you Em,” concern lacing her voice. 

“Everything’s fine JJ. We just got busy with the case, that’s all.” I try and deflect her concern. I really just need some time alone. I have to have time to build my walls back up before I spend any time with you. If I don’t, I risk you breaking down more of my walls, and breaking what’s left of my heart. I can’t handle that right now. 

“There is more to it than that, and you know it. You have been avoiding me for weeks. I know everything has been crazy since you came back, but we haven’t had one minute alone. You are intentionally avoiding me…shutting me out. I’m not going to keep letting you do that. When we get back tonight, I am coming over to your place.” She whispered. 

“Don’t worry about me. Just go home to Will and Henry.” I replied quietly. Please just go home. Maybe I can convince you that I’ll meet up with you later on. At least that would give me a little time to build some of my walls back up. 

“Henry is with my parents and Will is out of town for a few days. I’m not taking no for an answer. We’re going to sit down and talk about everything that’s happened. I lost you once and I’m not about to lose you again.” JJ stated, determination lacing her voice.


	6. Choices & Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: Reviews and Kudos are appreciated!!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“It has always seemed that a fear of judgment is the mark of guilt and the burden of insecurity.”   
~ Criss Jami

“There's no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another.”   
~ E.B. White  
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Chapter 6 

I realize that she has no intention of talking to me right now, but I can’t help but worry about her. I knew something was wrong before, and now, I know I’m right. She looks so pale, and she just keeps staring out of the window. I saw Morgan try to talk with her, but it didn’t look like he got very far with her either. I don’t care what she says; I’m coming back to her place tonight. I need to know she’s okay. In the meantime though, since she obviously is going to avoid talking to me for the time being, I will just have to settle for sitting close to her and trying to decide what I want to say to her once I finally have some time alone with her later tonight. I screwed up so badly before, I may only have one chance at it, so I don’t intend on wasting it. 

Looking back on the night I spent with Emily, our first and last night together, I wish so badly I could change how I reacted. My damn fear came roaring back, and when I looked over at her, sleeping peacefully, I didn’t see the positive things that I should have. Instead, I couldn’t help but see every worst possible scenarios playing out in my head. My family finding out and disowning me, even though I never talked to them about it. The team finding out about it and hating both of us, firing both of us, or making one or both of us change our jobs. Complete strangers hating both of us for being together. And then there were my own insecurities. Emily was rich, powerful, beautiful, sophisticated, and elegant. What in the world could she ever see in someone like me? I was a poor farm girl from the country. I would never be good enough for her, not to mention her ridiculously powerful family. She would eventually realize that and leave. Then I would have to deal with the fallout of being in a relationship with a woman, having everyone else find out, and still end up alone. I had been trying to start up a long-distance relationship with Will, but if I got into a relationship with Emily, that would be over. What I had with Will was safe. Could I really jeopardize that for something so risky with Emily? I let all of those fears overpower my feelings for Emily and I ran. I snuck out in the middle of the night, while she was asleep. I left a note for her and told her I was sorry. I knew it would hurt her, but I never dreamed how badly things would spin out of control from there. 

After that, she just completely shut down. She would barely look at me, and unless it was related to a case, she wouldn’t talk to me. She barely talked to anyone on the team outside of work. It was as if some light inside of her just shut off. The walls that I had been able to break down came back up and even more were there to reinforce them. The team noticed and tried to help, but she just told everyone she was fine. Eventually, she started acting like her old self again, around everyone except for me. She was a little friendlier, at least on the surface, but it was still an act. She just didn’t want to answer difficult questions about what was going on between the two of us. The problem was that it was just an act. It wasn’t real. She just pretended so they wouldn’t know anything was wrong and wouldn’t keep asking her about it.   
A few weeks later, we ended up in Miami on a case that brought Will back into the team’s orbit again. I saw the look on Emily’s face. Even though she had been pretending to be okay, I know she was still hurting. I was scared that my tenuous grasp on our friendship would end if she had to face him, knowing that we were in a relationship. I tried to pretend we were just colleagues, but it just upset Will, and worse, no one on the team believed me anyway. Will thought I was ashamed of him, which I guess in a way I was. I cared about him, but not as much as I should have, especially for having been in a relationship for as long as we had been. 

On top of that, I didn’t want him showing up and ruining my chance of salvaging my friendship with Emily. Whenever he was near me, or touched me, I shrugged him off of me. I wanted it to be Emily that was standing near me, or that was lightly touching my back or arm, not him. I missed having her in my life, being close like we were before I screwed everything up. Having him there just reminded me of that with each passing minute. I tried to sneak out of the station, in the hopes that I could talk with Emily alone, but instead I ran into Will. We argued and he asked if I wanted to break up with him. I told him that I thought I might. I wanted, no actually needed, to talk to Emily, to see if she really did want to be in a relationship with me. Or, if we could at least try and repair the damage I did by leaving that stupid note. After I ran into Will in the parking lot, I left and went to find Emily. I knocked on the door to her hotel, asking for her to let me in so we could talk. She said she wasn’t up to talking. I told her that it was really important. She just said she would see me tomorrow at the station, effectively ending the conversation, before it ever started. 

The next day at the station, Emily shocked me by telling me to go for it with Will. She said she thought we would make a cute couple. She said that because she wanted to make sure I understood that whatever our relationship had been, it was over. We were just friends, if even that. Her comment hurt me more than I thought it would. The previous night, I broke up with Will, and tried to talk to her about repairing our relationship. I had hoped I could start something more than a friendship with her, which terrified me beyond belief. Now she was dismissing me like I was just someone she used to know. I wanted to hurt her back for being so cold to me. So, I ran to him and told him that I didn’t want to break up. Just for affect, I kissed him, knowing Emily would see it. She did, and watched for a minute, before Morgan and Reid joined her. I could hear them talking briefly, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. 

I ended up flying back separately, so that I could spend a little time with Will in Miami. I told Hotch that I was going to stay to help Will with some final arrangements for his friend. I felt like with all of the back and forth that I had done with Will’s emotions, I owed him some time, just the two of us. Besides, I didn’t really feel like being stuck on a plane with Emily for several hours. I felt like a coward. I took the easy way out, again. 

The next few weeks were definitely awkward, and the fragile state of my friendship with Emily was becoming more and more apparent. Then I got some news that I never expected. I was pregnant. That definitely wasn’t what I expected to hear. I had always wanted kids, but in all honesty, I wasn’t in love with Will. I cared about him, but I’d actually been planning on breaking up with him after I returned from Miami. I didn’t think it was fair to keep stringing him along, but now that I was pregnant, things got a lot more complicated. I called and told him, and he was ecstatic. He immediately started talking about getting married and me moving down to New Orleans. I told him that I wasn’t going to quit my job or move down there. He said that we could figure out all of the details later, but that he still wanted to get married right away. I told him that I didn’t want to get married either. That seemed to confuse him. He was old-fashioned in that sense. He thought that children shouldn’t be born out of wedlock, but I told him that since we weren’t living in the 1950s anymore, we should be fine. 

I kept in touch with him by phone, but managed to keep him from showing up in DC. He called to tell me that he was coming up to see me. He missed me since he hadn’t seen me since I left Miami. Luckily, we caught a case in New York, so I thought I had bought myself some more time, but he ended up showing up at our hotel. I had yet to tell anyone on our team that I was pregnant, but Will spilled the beans. He even mentioned something to everyone about us getting married. I stopped his rambling, but not before I saw the sadness in Emily’s eyes. She quickly covered, slamming even more walls down before quickly hugging me with an overly awkward, overly happy congratulation. I could tell it was completely faked for everyone else’s benefit. Once she finished hugging me, she quickly made her way to the elevator. I wanted to follow her and talk to her about everything, but I was bombarded by the rest of the team. 

The case was difficult and my heart nearly stopped a couple of times while we were there. The first time was when Emily and her partner Cooper were shot at. I initially thought that she may have been the one that was hit, but my nerves were calmed slightly when I realized it was her partner that was hit instead. Then later, one of our SUVs exploded, and I was unable to reach Emily on her cell phone. Due to spotty cell service, the calls weren’t going through, so my heart stopped until I finally confirmed that she was okay. I also noticed the relief in her eyes, and heard it in her voice, when she saw me. I knew that as mad as she was at me, she still cared. I hadn’t seen that look in her eyes from her in weeks. I was so happy to finally see her walls down, long enough to confirm that we still had a chance to get our relationship back, even if it were just as friends. For those brief moments I thought I lost her in New York, my heart stopped. I realized that I hadn’t been thinking about Will or anyone else. My sole focus was Emily and how much I needed her in my life. I knew I needed to find a way to get her back in my life, no matter what. 

Will ended up quitting his job in New Orleans and moving to DC to work as a Detective, to be closer to me and our son. I told him that we weren’t going to get married, but that I did want him to be a part of our son’s life. We found a home that was close to his work, and to the BAU, and got ready for our son’s birth. The cases that we did pick up at the BAU were pretty light and Will seemed to pick up right where he left off in New Orleans. Though, he found out that drinking on the job really was a New Orleans thing, so what drinking he did do, he had to save for after work. 

Things between Emily and I were still rocky, but at least we were able to be somewhat friendly with each other. Morgan and Garcia helped a lot with that. They had noticed that we weren’t on the best of terms, and they intervened as much as possible. Garcia especially tried her best to set up girls’ nights so that the three of us could spend time together. Emily always tried to back out of them, but Garcia was very persuasive. Morgan also tried to get Emily to open up, and was mildly successful. 

The addition of Rossi to the team brought with it an added bonus. He seemed to click with Emily. They formed an odd bond that no one else could really figure out. It was almost as if Rossi was a pseudo-father figure for her, and he made a point to look out for her, as much, or more so, than Morgan did on occasion. 

Then the case at the compound happened and my heart stopped again. Reid and Emily were held by a religious cult leader and Emily, being the ultra-protective person she is, stepped up when Cyrus demanded to know which one of the two of them was the FBI agent. She feared that Reid would be hurt, so she stepped in to protect him. She always looked at Reid like a little brother, and felt overly protective of him. Unfortunately, that left her in a very dangerous situation. We all heard her getting beaten, and then radio silence for several hours. Rossi was able to get into the compound to check on both of them. He confirmed that Emily and Reid were still alive. But, Emily never spoke of what happened during her time in the compound where no sound was picked up. I often wonder what really happened to her during those hours. I’ve asked her, and so has the rest of the team, but she just says nothing happened and quickly changes the subject. I don’t really believe her, and I wish she would open up to me, but that is a conversation for another day. 

I had my beautiful son Henry a few weeks after the case at the compound. Emily showed up at the hospital and looked genuinely happy to see me and Henry, but she didn’t stay long. I had hoped that she would stop by to visit me while I was on leave. But, when she didn’t, I stopped by the BAU with Henry to visit everyone. I really just wanted to see Emily. I couldn’t bring myself to stay away from her any longer. I needed to see her. Plus, Garcia insisted on seeing her godson, so I had a valid reason for my visit. 

When I finally returned from my maternity leave, Garcia mentioned the ring that I was wearing. I realize it looked like an engagement ring, but it was just a birthstone ring. Will had gotten it for me to remind me of Henry while I was at work. Looking at that ring was a way for me to remember that good things in life still exist, even when I’m surrounded by things that are often so horrible. He had one made for himself as well, considering he works in such a similar field. Emily saw it and took the ring the wrong way. She thought Will and I were engaged, and I really didn’t have a chance to explain the significance. I finally found a little time before we were pulled into the briefing room, before our next case. I explained meaning behind the ring. She just said it was fine and I didn’t have to explain anything to her. She was happy for me, Will, and Henry. She said all she ever wanted was for me to be happy. She seemed sincere, but at the same time, I could see the sadness in her eyes when she said it. I was about ask her what was really going on, but the briefing for the case was about to start, so I didn’t have the chance. It seemed like circumstances kept preventing us from spending any time alone with each other. 

I shake my head clear of my thought momentarily and glance over at Emily. She’s still staring out of the window…lost in thought as well. I won’t let anything else keep us apart this time. We are going to be alone tonight so we can finally talk. Too much has already happened in both of our lives, too much time has already been wasted.


	7. Complicated Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In this chapter, violence towards primary character is briefly mentioned.
> 
> A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“In the cellars of the night, when the mind starts moving around old trunks of bad times, the pain of this and the shame of that, the memory of a small boldness is a hand to hold.” ~ John Leonard

“I no longer want reminders of what was, what got broken, what got lost, what got wasted.” ~ Joan Didion  
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Chapter 7

I know some part of you got scared when you thought I died, but if things got serious again, you’d run right back to Will. I can’t handle that again. It nearly killed me last time. You say you lost me once, but you can’t lose what you don’t have. You’re with Will now. I’m not going to break up your family. Besides, you made it clear a long time ago that you weren’t interested in being with me…at least not in an actual relationship. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have run to Will in the first place. 

I was okay if you wanted someone to hold you at night when you were scared, to comfort you when no one else understood what you were going through, someone to flirt with or make out with to take your mind off whatever was bothering you, but nothing more serious than that; except for that one time, and after that, you completely freaked out and ended up pregnant with Henry not long after. You really think I am strong enough now to go through all of that again? 

I love you, but I don’t believe you feel the same way about me. How could you? You never did before, and that was before I was completely broken. I’m a complete disaster now. I can’t even look at myself in a mirror. How could I expect someone like you to care about me? To love me? Even if I thought we had a chance before, we don’t anymore. I’m too broken to love now. I can’t even be there for the people that I should be there for. I’m too broken to be any good to any of them either. I’m too broken to be any good to anyone. They are better off without me, and so are you. 

If you insist on coming back to my place, then I guess that’s your choice. I’ll just have to figure out a way to make you see that I’m just not worth it. Really though, it shouldn’t take much for you to realize that. I still want to be your friend, but I can’t be anything more. Besides, if you ever figured out everything else I am keeping from you, and the rest of the team, you wouldn’t even want to be my friend. I can’t risk getting hurt again, not by you. I’ve been hurt too many times before. Secrets and lies have a way of doing that. You may not realize it now, but you are better off without me. In truth, I am just trying to protect all of you. 

I realize that I have been lost in thought as JJ reaches over and squeezes my hand, but I can’t seem to find the words to say right now. I glance up and meet her eyes for just a minute. That may have been a mistake. I always get lost in her beautiful blue eyes. They’re so expressive. I give her a sad smile and squeeze her hand back before turning away to look back out the window. I know if I keep looking into her eyes, I’ll get lost in them. 

I fell for her the moment I laid eyes on her, but those feelings were just another thing I had to keep locked in one of my hidden compartments. I know she felt something too, but I was never sure exactly what it was, or how deep those feelings actually went. But, something inside of her was scared of whatever her feelings for me were, so instead of dealing with them, she ran from them. My heart broke when she did.  
I tried to be supportive of her life with Will, but that didn’t turn out well. She would show up at my door after a rough case, looking for solace. She would leave with a little bit of the comfort she needed, whether it was from me simply holding her while she cried, a long conversation, passionately kissing and touching one another, or the one time that we both got carried away. But every time, she left before the sun rose, and I was left with nothing but loneliness and more feelings to lock away. 

Each time she left, I tried to rebuild those walls that she seemed to knock down. After a while, I realized that I had to keep her at a distance. She had already gotten too close and she would never leave Will for me. She had made her choice and I had to live with that, and so did she. I just couldn’t risk letting her get too close anymore. It just hurt too much. So, I went back to being her friend and co-worker and distanced myself as much as I could. I reinforced the walls around my heart. I locked the secrets away that I had been so close to sharing with her. I had so many problems that she came so close to finding out about…so many secrets. 

Secrets are like poison, but I learned from an early age how to keep them. Maybe that is why I started to self-injure. It was easier to hurt myself than to reveal secrets that could hurt others. Hurting others was never something I could do very well. Some secrets I found out by accident. Some are my own. Others would be ones that someone else would share with me. They’d ask me to keep their secrets for them. I always did, but at a cost to myself and oftentimes, someone else I cared for. Instead of sharing them and causing pain to others, I turned that pain towards myself. I tended to make poor decisions. It was as if I lived my life constantly pressing some hidden self-destruct button. 

Those secrets caused more problems than I could fix in a lifetime, so I just learned to keep them to myself. Many of them are still hidden away in one of my compartments somewhere. Some have been discovered over the years, but never because they were divulged by me. I have found that those particular secrets become quite confusing to keep, as you end up still keeping them from certain people or groups, since not everyone is privy to every secret. Problems then compound as secrets lead to more secrets. It truly is exhausting; mentally, emotionally, and even physically. 

Kind of like the situation with Lucas. Now Garcia, Hotch, and Rossi all know, at least part of the story, but the others don’t. 

Damn him. I didn’t think I would ever see him again. All I had wanted to do was to go for a walk that night to clear my head. After losing Matthew and all of the memories that case had brought up, I needed to clear my head. Rossi had offered to drive me home. Why didn’t I just let him? But no, I had to go for a damn walk in the snow. Ending up walking through the park that night was never part of my plan, and neither was Lucas finding me after all that time. I guess he had been watching me for a while. I just didn’t know it then. What kind of profiler does that make me if I don’t even realize someone is stalking me?   
Detective Jackson realized pretty quickly that I had a connection with Lucas, but I didn’t share what I knew with him right away. I was too shocked by everything that happened to say anything. Besides, I had to make sure that what I did share with Detective Jackson wouldn’t impact anyone else. When I finally told him I knew who Lucas was, they found him and arrested him. Lucas was surprised I knew it was him. He thought I was unconscious the whole time, but I remember him calling me by a name only he used to say…Mia. No one but Lucas ever called me Mia. I heard the person who attacked me call me that name that night, so I knew it was him. 

I was just grateful that no one, including Lucas, realized I was hiding something else. I just shared enough detail with Detective Jackson in order to put Lucas in prison and thought everything was resolved. I should have known better. Now I have to worry about him being free again. I also have to worry about him and everyone on my team finding out what I kept hidden that night. They all thought that my time with Ian was my only big secret. If they only knew; I have so many secrets and my time with Ian was just the tip of the iceberg. Plus, they still don’t know everything about that situation either. They just thought they found out everything. Again, complicated secrets that start to become confusing to keep. But, in each situation, I’m keeping those secrets to protect everyone else. Damn it. Why couldn’t I have just had a normal life? But, I guess that was just never going to happen. Not in my life or in my family. 

I guess when you grow up learning how to keep secrets, for various reasons, or because you have to throughout your life, sharing them with others seems unnatural. Besides, I’m doing it to protect the people I love. Well, mostly for that reason. There are a few that aren’t for that reason, but those are for self-preservation and because I really am horrible at sharing my feelings. I just never learned that skill when I was younger. 

I think that was probably why it was easier, or at least less complicated, to act like everything was fine after Lucas found me in the park that night. I put that night away in one of my compartments. I didn’t tell Detective Jackson or anyone else everything that happened. Only the doctor knew exactly what occurred, and I insisted they not release any specific details. Once I was physically able to be released to work, Hotch insisted I pass a Psych Eval. It was sweet of him to be concerned, but the Evaluation was completely useless. I have been able to fake my way through those for years. I plastered on a fake smile and gave the therapist the answers I knew they were looking for and passed without any problems. Good thing they aren’t around my condo at night. They would have witnessed the never-ending nightmares that plagued my sleep, and still do most nights. Those I can’t seem to find a way to make them stop. I have had them for years, but after that night in the park, they came back, full force, once again. 

I absent-mindedly rub my head, in the exact spot that I was hit that night. I remember feeling that sharp pain in my head, staring into his evil, icy, grey eyes. Most everything was a blur except his eyes, and hearing him whisper “I’ve missed you Mia”, since the pain emanating from my head was so overpowering. I tried to struggle free from his grasp, but he was just so strong. I tried to scream, but his hand covered my mouth…

I am momentarily shaken from my thoughts as the plane hits some turbulence. JJ reaches out and squeezes my hand and I briefly flinch and pull my hand away. I glance up and see the hurt in her eyes and realize what I have done. 

“Sorry. You startled me.” I quickly whisper an apology. Okay…just breathe. You are on the BAU jet…not in that damn park with Lucas. Take some deep breathes and get it together Prentiss. 

“What were you thinking about? You looked like you were a million miles away just then.” JJ asks, worry lacing her voice. 

“Nothing. Just looking at the clouds.” I quietly reply. Funny how easily I can lie about secrets or keep secrets about lies…especially when I am thinking about all of the secrets I am keeping. 

“But just then…when I touched your hand…you looked…scared. You flinched and pulled your hand away. You’ve never done that before. If you don’t want to talk now, that’s fine. But we’re going to talk about it when we get back to your place. I can’t stand to see you scared or in pain, Em.” JJ stated sadly. 

“You just startled me. That’s all. Really, I’m fine JJ.” I quietly reply and look away. 

I glance down at my arm, noticing that as we began our impromptu conversation, my arm had begun to sting a little. Apparently I jostled something loose when I jerked my arm away, and judging by how my arm’s feeling, I could tell I needed to change my bandages again. 

“I’m going to go splash some water on my face. I’ll be back in just a sec.” I stated as I got up and made my way to the bathroom on the jet, careful to tuck the necessary supplies into my pocket as I went. 

As I closed the door to the bathroom, I unbuttoned my shirt and pulled my arm out of the sleeve. I noticed fairly quickly the bright red bandage. I was amazed that the blood hadn’t seeped through onto my shirt. I guess it was a good thing I grabbed a black shirt today instead of another color. I quickly removed the old bandage, cleaned and re-wrapped the wound, and slipped my arm back into my shirt. I re-buttoned the shirt and flushed the old bandages away. Once finished, I cleaned up the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. I took a look at my reflection once again in the mirror. 

God, I look like shit. I’m much paler than normal, and considering how pale I normally am, it’s no wonder that Morgan and JJ kept asking me if I was okay. I look like I am half-dead. Great. If I don’t pull myself together and fast, the whole damn team is going to be hovering around me or worse, taking me to the damn hospital thinking I’m sick or something. That’s the last thing I need right now. 

I glance down at my watch and see that we still have a few hours left on our flight. 

Maybe if I can just rest until we get back home I can keep everyone off my case long enough to get back to my condo. Well, everyone that is except JJ. Then I just have to figure out a way to get her to leave. Based on past experiences, the best way to get her to leave quickly is to make out with her, or have sex with her. But, given my current physical state, neither one of those is happening anytime soon. So, I guess I’ll have to figure something else out. Besides, I have some other things I need to take care of when I get home, especially given Lucas is out on parole. Things that I can’t let her find out about. More secrets…but I guess that’s the one thing that I am good at…keeping secrets. 

I make my way back out of the bathroom and towards my seat. 

JJ, apparently worried that I had been taking too long, had started to head towards the bathroom to check on me, and bumped into me. Seeing that I started to fall when she bumped into me, she reached out and grabbed my arms to help steady me, trying to guide me to me seat. 

“Thanks.” I whisper, but notice a surprised look on her face. 

“What?” I ask quietly, seeing the look on JJ’s face. 

“Em…” JJ whispers, as she slowly reaches for my injured arm. 

I start to pull my arm away, but she reaches it before I can get it away from her grasp. 

She softly holds my arm, right where my bandages are located, and asks in a whispered voice “What’s… going on? What happened to your arm?”

I knew I had to come up with something believable, and quick. The lake. Yeah, that would make sense. “It’s fine, JJ. It’s just a scratch. I just caught it on something in the lake. There was a bunch junk in there.” I quietly reply as calmly as possible. 

“Did you tell anyone else about it? Hotch, Reid, Morgan, Rossi?” JJ inquires. 

“No need to say anything. It isn’t that serious.” I calmly reply. 

“You look really pale Em. If it was something from the lake, you could get an infection. We should tell Hotch. You may need to go to the hospital to have them look at it. You could need stitches or a tetanus shot.” JJ’s concerned response. 

“It’s not serious enough for stitches, so I’m not going to the hospital. And, I just had a tetanus shot a little while back, so, I don’t need another one. So, please don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” I whisper. 

“Em, I’ll always worry about you. Haven’t you figured that out by now? But, I’ll let it go…for now. We can just talk about that, along with everything else, once we get back to your place tonight.” JJ firmly stated. 

Ohhh Great. Yet another topic for discussion in a conversation that I’m not looking forward to at all. Just my luck, she’ll want to examine my “lake injury”. At least it isn’t the worst cover story I’ve had over my years of trying to hide my self-injury. Thankfully, at least on the surface, everyone has believed what I have told them, so far. 

For now, I’ll just go back to looking out the window and try to avoid the concerned look that JJ is currently giving me. I’m still trying to put my walls back up and lock all of the secrets away in my compartments. Unfortunately, I have just added another secret to that growing list.


	8. Overheard Conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In this chapter, violence towards primary character is briefly mentioned.
> 
> A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: Just to let you all know, the first several chapters are to provide you all with the backstory for these lovely ladies. Since the story begins midway through season 7, I want to make sure that I give you as much information as possible about what has happened in the five years they have known each other as possible, so that when the story kicks into high-gear and previous interactions or situations are mentioned, including the introduction of new characters and storylines that were not part of the original show, upcoming chapters will be make more sense.   
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“More compassionate mind, more sense of concern for other's well-being, is source of happiness.”   
~ Dalai Lama

“Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom  
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Chapter 8

Okay, now I’m definitely worried. I’ve never seen Emily jerk away from me before. Plus, she looked scared when she did it too. And what really happened to her arm? Did she really injure it when she went into the lake? I don’t remember seeing any injury on her arm when she came out of the water. This reminds me of a few times before the whole Ian thing when she would end up with some random injury. But, she always had some reason for those when they happened too. Something just feels off now, just like it did then. I wonder if whatever was causing her to be jumpy had something to do with her meeting earlier with Hotch and Garcia? 

Still, being jumpy like that doesn’t explain the injury to her arm, does it? She didn’t seem that jumpy back at the station earlier. I’m going to have to insist on looking at her arm for myself. If it really isn’t anything to worry about, she shouldn’t mind. If it is something more serious, then maybe I can help. Either way, I’m too concerned to let it go this time. I told her I would let it go for now, but that’s just because I don’t want to try and pressure her into a conversation like that with everyone else around. She’d shut me out for sure then. So for now, I’ll just go back to trying to figure out what I’m going to say to her, and try to put the pieces together about what else is going on. Maybe I can figure out what Hotch and Garcia were meeting with her about. It seems like I’m missing some vital information, or just catching bits and pieces that would help me figure out what is going on. Just like that meeting I overheard between Hotch and Rossi a few years back. Now that I think about it, that was really the only other time she was ever skittish or jumpy like she is right now. I wonder if that has anything to do with what is going on with her now?

When that happened, we had ended up on back to back cases after I came back from maternity leave, right up until the case involving her friend Matthew. When I showed up in the briefing room and didn’t see Emily, I immediately asked if she was okay. Hotch said he didn’t know, which worried me. Emily was normally able to put up enough walls so that even if she were having a hard time, people around her couldn’t tell anything was wrong. If Hotch noticed something was wrong and was concerned, I knew something had to be really wrong. I wanted to talk to her about it, but she kept avoiding me. 

Hotch and I spoke with Matthew’s family and were shocked when we were basically thrown out after mentioning Emily’s name. We asked her about it, but she just said they thought she was a bad influence when she was younger. I knew there was more to the story. I also knew something was off with her friend John, but I could never get her alone to ask what was really going on. 

I noticed that Rossi was being very over protective during the case, and at one point, they both disappeared. When they came back, they seemed to have a pretty good idea of who was behind the murders. Unfortunately, he had diplomatic immunity. Hotch said his hands were tied, but Rossi argued with him about it. Hotch seemed determined not to intervene, but I could tell by Rossi’s demeanor that he wasn’t going to let it drop. I watched as him and Emily left together, knowing they were going to work outside of the system to try and prevent any more murders. 

In the end, Rossi and Emily did stop Father Silvano, Morgan stepped up to help, and Hotch called in some favors to have the immunity revoked. Everything seemed to fall into place. I saw Hotch and Morgan return to the office, but heard them mention to Reid and Garcia that Rossi and Emily wouldn’t be back until the next morning. Apparently Rossi had something to take care of and Emily had wanted to be alone for a little while and go for a walk when they left the last scene. I was disappointed because I wanted to see for myself that she was okay. I still had a lot of cases to look over, but decided I would just come in early the next morning to take care of them. That way, I would be there when she came in. I knew she wouldn’t want my company on her walk given the state of our relationship, but I still needed to know she was okay. So, I left for the evening, heading home to check on Henry. 

The next morning, I arrived exceptionally early, knowing I had a lot of files to look over, and I hoped I could catch Emily in case she decided to come in early and leave before the rest of the team arrived. I noticed most the Bullpen was empty, with the exception of the light coming from Hotch’s office. Considering how early I arrived, I decided to stop in to see if we had an urgent case, only to stop short as I heard Rossi and Hotch talking inside. 

“Where is she now?” Hotch asked worriedly. 

“Georgetown Hospital. I am on my back way there now to pick her up.” Rossi quickly replied. 

“Did she get a look at who did this?” Hotch replied. 

“She didn’t get a good look, from what I could tell. Sounds like a blitz attack. She may remember more later, once the shock wears off. She’s already talked to the Detective in charge, a Detective Jackson. He talked to her last night before I got there. When I left earlier this morning, they were getting everything ready so they could release her in a few hours. They just wouldn’t release her without having someone drive her.” Rossi answered. “Also, she said that her gun, badge, and credentials are missing, along with her purse and keys. She has an extra set of keys in her desk, which is why I came back over here this morning. I’ve been there most of the night, but she said she needed her spare keys, so I offered to come in and get them for her. I’m going to grab those on my way out so she can get into her condo. Can you look into getting the replacement gun, badge, and credentials she’ll need?” 

“Yeah, I can request those. Hopefully they will turn up though. I don’t like thought of someone having those just wandering around the city. Especially someone with all of her personal information as well. Did she say anything else? What about her injuries? How bad are they?” Hotch worriedly asked. 

“No. She didn’t tell me much else other than she was out walking through the park and got jumped. She said she didn’t see who it was; that she blacked out for a while. Some people walking through the park found her and called the local PD and an ambulance. She was in and out of consciousness until late last night. She woke up long enough to call me once she realized her gun and badge were missing, but asked me not to tell anyone else on the team. She’s pretty roughed up. I get the feeling that she didn’t tell me everything, but the doctor wouldn’t release any of her medical information to me. The only thing I know for sure is that she has a bad concussion, some bruised ribs, and she needed some stitches, but beyond that, the doctor and her both kept pretty quiet. I finally convinced her that I would need to tell you. She argued with me at first. But, considering she would need to take some time off for her injuries if she didn’t want anyone else to know what happened, and would need to get replacements for her gun, badge, and credentials, she finally agreed. But, she insisted that neither one of us say anything to the rest of the team.” Rossi said. 

“You think she is hiding something?” Hotch inquired.

“About it just being a robbery or something more, I’m not sure. Given her injuries, it’s possible it was just a robbery, but it could be more serious too. She’s not really good about sharing things Aaron. You and I both know that. We both know that she still hasn’t told us everything about what happened at the compound with Cyrus. She probably never will. As far as her injuries and what she actually remembers; your guess is as good as mine at this point. It’s possible she does remember more. But, given her concussion, she may not remember right now. The problem is, she seemed skittish…almost scared. You and I both know that isn’t like her.” Rossi replied. 

“Get me the contact info for Detective Jackson and I’ll call him. I need to know if this is something the local PD can handle or if this is something we should be dealing with here. I want this bastard caught.” Hotch angrily stated. 

“I know you do Aaron. So do I. But she doesn’t want the team involved.” Rossi quietly replied. 

“Why? We’re her family? If I don’t think Detective Jackson or the Local PD are capable of finding whoever did this, I’ll make damn sure that we do.” Hotch quickly responded. 

“I’ll try to explain that to her. But for now at least, let’s just keep this to ourselves. She’s been through enough the past few days, between losing her friend and now this. See what Detective Jackson has to say. Maybe he’s capable of handling this and then the rest of the team won’t have to be involved. That way, we can respect her wishes.” Rossi pleaded. 

“I’ll see what he has to say, but I’m not making any promises. Still, even if they Local PD can handle this, what are we supposed to tell the others about her being gone?” Hotch questioned. 

“Just tell them that she wanted to take some personal time after the last case. They all know it took a toll on her. They wouldn’t be surprised that she wanted to take some personal time after that. No one needs to know that anything else happened.” Rossi replied. 

“Yeah, I guess. I know that was stressful for her, and I didn’t exactly make it any easier. But for now, we need to know just how bad her injuries really are, and if there are going to need to be any restrictions for her to return to work. Given what you said, about her acting scared and being skittish and maybe even hiding something about what happened to her last night, it may be best for her to have a Psych Eval before she returns. Hopefully, even if the doctor isn’t completely forthcoming about her specific injuries, they’ll have the common sense to set her up with therapy if she needs that. Find out if the doctor thinks that’s something that would be beneficial, if you can.” Hotch replied. 

“Okay. I’m going to grab the keys from her desk and head to the hospital. They should be finished with her shortly. I’ll call you once I get her settled at home.” Rossi said. 

I heard Rossi walk towards the door, so I hurried back towards my office. I didn’t want to look like I had been eavesdropping. I made it back to my door and was holding the doorknob as he exited Hotch’s office. Thankfully, he didn’t look my direction. He quickly walked towards Emily’s desk, grabbing her spare keys and made his way towards the elevator. I slowly started walking towards Hotch’s office. I didn’t know what had happened exactly, but I knew it was bad. Emily had obviously been attacked at some point during her walk the night before. And based on what I piece together from their conversation, someone had hurt her. I tried to calm my nerves and my racing heart before knocking on Hotch’s door. 

“Come in.” was Hotch’s quick reply as he glances up in my direction. 

“I saw you were in early this morning. Do we have a case?” I said as I look at him. I notice that he quickly diverted his eyes away from me. 

“No. I just had some paperwork to finish up.” Hotch quickly replied, never looking back up at me. 

“Hotch?” I ask. 

“Yeah, JJ?” His answer. 

“I overheard part of your conversation with Rossi before I came in. What happened to Emily? Is she okay?” I quickly ask, trying to calm my racing heart. 

“That was a private conversation, JJ. For now, I can’t discuss anything about it with you.” Hotch quietly replied. 

“I know that Hotch, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to invade your private conversation. But, when I heard you and Rossi say that Emily was at the hospital…well, I’m…it’s just…is she…I’m worried about her. Please, just tell me that she’s okay. Please.” I pleaded. 

“JJ. I wish I could. Really. But, unless Emily tells me that it is okay to discuss this situation, you are just going to have to wait until she feels comfortable discussing it with you herself. I’m sorry.” Hotch stated, a hint of sadness lacing his voice.

“Okay. Thanks Hotch.” I quietly reply. 

I couldn’t help but worry. I was also jealous that Emily turned to Rossi when she needed help. I know that I shouldn’t have felt that way, but I did. I knew that our friendship was rocky at best, and that was because of me. I just never dreamed that in a situation like this, where she really needed someone, that she would turn to someone else, even someone like Rossi that she seemed to have grown close with recently, instead of me. I really screwed up and I had to figure out a way to fix it. I needed her in my life, but after hearing this conversation, I now realized that I needed her to need me in her life too. 

I never did find out exactly what happened after that case. Emily ended up taking a few weeks off. Hotch told everyone that Emily needed some personal time after the case, and everyone believed him. I knew differently, given the conversation I overheard. When she finally came back, she was so distant. Everyone else thought she was still dealing with some residual feelings from losing her friend, and that may have been part of it. But, I knew that the majority of it had to do with whatever happened to her on her walk after the case. She seemed jumpy and on edge for weeks after. Her, Hotch, and Rossi were in closed meetings several times after she returned and she took several days off at one point. Hotch said it was some kind of family emergency, but something just felt off about the whole situation. After she came back, she seemed a little better and the secretive meetings between the three of them seemed to taper off and then stop almost entirely. 

She eventually calmed down a little, but that distance and sadness in her eyes never really left. She tried to pretend everything was fine, and for the most part I think everyone else seemed to believe her, but I knew she was struggling. I tried to help, to get her to open up to me, but she just kept shutting me out. 

Then we had to deal with the Reaper, and losing Hayley, and Emily seemed to come out of her shell a little bit. It was like she knew she needed to be strong for Hotch and the rest of the team after seeing how badly losing Hayley affected everyone. I could tell she was still struggling, but at least she was making an effort. I know everyone appreciated having her back to normal, or what appeared to be normal. Everyone had missed the old Emily that had been such a huge part of all of our lives. No one else seemed to notice that something still seemed off, or if they did, they just didn’t say anything. I think we were all just grateful for the brief respite from whatever was pulling her under. She seemed to stay in a relatively good place for a while, at least on the outside. But, since she was always so good at putting up walls and hiding what she truly thinking and feeling, none of us could really know for sure.


	9. The Ambassador's Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Also, please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“It would be impossible to estimate how much time and energy we invest in trying to fix, change and deny our emotions - especially the ones that shake us at our very core, like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage and grief” ~ Debbie Ford

“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets” ~ Paul Tournier  
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Chapter 9

I chance a glance over at JJ and notice that she is watching me intently. Damn it. Now that she witnessed my mini-breakdown earlier, and managed to grab my arm in just the wrong place, she is on high alert. Great. I had hoped that I could convince her to go home once we landed, but I highly doubt that’s going to happen now. So much for keeping things compartmentalized today. 

It’s just this damn thing with Lucas caught me off guard and I haven’t had time to sort it all out yet in my mind. Yet more secrets and more compartments. I had all of that neatly stored away and in one conversation, everything from that compartment came spilling out. I haven’t had time to store it all away again. 

I wonder if all of those secrets and hidden compartments will one day be the death of me, or if it will be my inner demons that I am constantly fighting. My mother was worried when I went into law enforcement that some criminal would kill me. But, as it turns out, I’m much more of a danger to myself, and I always have been, than any other person could ever be. 

I’ve self-injured for years. It’s my own inner demon; a monster that in some ways saved my life, but in others, kept me a prisoner. I kept it hidden from everyone, but then once certain family secrets were discovered, I found the strength to stop for a short time. I found other things to focus on instead of that particular self-destructive habit. Though I knew that particular monster was always lying in wait, just waiting for me to slip and fall. One too many problems to handle was all it took, and that monster came back into my life again. 

I could try and lie to myself. I could say that the monster reappeared in my life…that my problems got too much for me...when Ian Doyle showed up back in my life again. But in reality, it started way before then. And really, Ian never left my life entirely. He was always hiding in one of those compartments, right alongside Lucas, just waiting to sneak out and attack, like so many of the things I have stored away in one of those compartments. I have tried so hard to keep those secrets and memories locked away, buried so deep that I almost forget they’re even there. Almost. 

But then someone will mention something, or I’ll hear a song, or smell a fragrance, or any number of a dozen other things and I can feel one of those locks on those compartments start to rattle...a memory trying to break free. I try everything I can to silence that memory...to hurry and slam that compartment shut again if the lock has been broken...because there is a reason why those thoughts and memories are locked away tight. I can’t face them...I can’t deal with them. I can’t function with them at the forefront of my conscious. They invade my thoughts so pervasively as if to consume me, as if I was standing on a shore, consumed by a tidal wave...drowned from the inside.

I thought coming back to my team after not seeing them for so long would still the swirling thoughts inside my head. Instead, I found that the same thoughts remained, and more were just added to the mix. I tried to cover the confusing mix of thoughts by jumping right back into work. I tried to heal the damage my absence had caused. 

I know they were all hurt by my “death”, and though it had not been my choice to leave in that manner, I had gone along with it once I awoke in Paris. My mother convinced me that I had no other choice. The Ambassador has always been good at convincing anyone to do whatever she wanted, and I understand she did what she felt was right. She protected me and our family, my team, and even my career, though she was never thrilled with my choice of occupations. 

Telling only Hotch and Strauss, and letting JJ and the rest of my team believe I died had been my mother’s idea. She believed if any of Ian’s contacts showed up at my “funeral”, or were watching from the sidelines, it would be more believable to see true grief from those that cared about me. Grief is hard to fake. I should know. I’ve had my fair share. Though I would never wish grief upon anyone else, especially not those I care so much about. I wasn’t happy that they had to go through the grieving process, though I understood the reason behind my mother’s decision. 

I wanted to tell JJ that I was alive as soon as I woke up and found out she thought I’d died, but she was unreachable. Even given the strain of our relationship, if you could call it that, I still loved her. I probably always will. Poor choice of words in that thought I now realize, but Will is always there too. Back to my original train of thought though, Strauss said something about JJ being on a classified mission. I’d thought her job at the State Department was less dangerous would allow her to be home more. Something felt off about Strauss’ explanation. Why would JJ be on a classified mission? Strauss wouldn’t elaborate and I really wasn’t in a position to push for more information. 

Hotch was unreachable well. He apparently was in the Middle East on some special assignment. I guess the stress of having to keep my secret was too much for him, so he was hiding from the team overseas. Even in “death”, I was still causing pain and damage to my friends. I was left in a state of limbo. I couldn’t reach out to anyone on my team at the BAU, and Strauss had been left out of the loop regarding my team tracking down Ian. They didn’t trust her and so they left her out and pursued leads on their own. 

I had very little contact with my mother, Strauss, or anyone else that I knew from my previous life, for my safety as well as theirs, and that left basically me alone in Paris. And though I was quite used to being by myself, this somehow seemed different. I had always pretended to be someone else. I had done it my entire life. I had learned to become whoever the person or group I was around expected or needed me to be at the time. But this time, I was alone, and though I was under a different name, I had no one to pretend for, no mask I needed wear constantly, and no idea how to just be myself. 

I’d never really been myself, since I had only ever pretended to be someone else. Even as a child, I had been the Ambassador’s daughter and not just Emily. I had no idea how to be just me, and honestly, that was more frightening than seeing Lucas again…facing Ian...or even facing my own death. I realized that I had pretended to be someone else for so long, that all that was left of the real me was just a shell of a person, a storage container for all of those secrets and compartments I was holding on to so tightly. I soon realized that living alone, with only those secrets and compartments rattling around, trying to break free, was dangerous to my health, or at least my sanity. My mind raced constantly and I couldn’t stop the whirlwind of thoughts, voices, memories, and feelings that kept me awake...night after night...for days on end. 

I could find only two ways to stop my mind from racing. One was to drink, to numb my mind to those thoughts, but that only helped for a short time, and usually left me sick, with a headache, or both. The other was a cold, sharp, metal blade that I would slowly trail across my skin from time to time...causing enough pain to quell the thoughts in my head...giving me something else to focus on for a while. I had always been really good at hiding that particular secret. Yet another compartment with another secret locked away.


	10. Similarities?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: The first several chapters are to provide you all with the backstory for these lovely ladies. Since the story begins midway through season 7, I want to make sure that I give you as much information as possible about what has happened in the five years they have known each other as possible, so that when the story kicks into high-gear and previous interactions or situations are mentioned, including the introduction of new characters and storylines that were not part of the original show, upcoming chapters will be make more sense.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“Consciously or not, we are all on a quest for answers, trying to learn the lessons of life. We grapple with fear and guilt. We search for meaning, love, and power. We try to understand fear, loss, and time. We seek to discover who we are and how we can become truly happy.” ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

“Everything that happens today is like something in the past, but it's also unlike things in the past. We never know until an event happens if it's the similarities or differences that matter more.” ~ H. W. Brands  
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Chapter 10

I realize that I have been staring at Emily for the past few minutes, but she doesn’t seem to have noticed. She’s pulled a blanket up around herself, as if she’s trying to shield herself from everyone’s view. It looks, from here, like she’s absent-mindedly holding her injured arm. I’m not entirely sure if that’s to shield it from view or because it’s hurting. I’ve seen her act this way before. Rosalyn used to do the same thing once in a while. Seeing Emily behave in a similar way just heightens my concern. I remember being concerned about Emily before, when she reminded me of Rosalyn for one reason or another. But, every time that happened, she always deflected or something came up and the subject was changed, so I was never able to figure out what was going on. This time, I’m going to find out. 

I remember when I first started to make the connection between Rosalyn and Emily and their similar behaviors. We got a case in Wyoming. As soon as they contacted me I knew that I would struggle with it. I just never thought that I would find myself thinking of Emily in relation to the case as well. I hadn’t really talked about my sister to anyone, other than Garcia, before that case. She knew, but never told anyone else, or brought up my sister to me either. Garcia was there to listen if I needed to talk, but otherwise, she just never mentioned it. Talking or even thinking about my sister was just too painful. 

I had thought about talking to Emily about Rosalyn over the years, but the timing just never felt right. Besides, it’s not exactly easy just randomly discussing suicide. What was I supposed to say? How was your weekend? Oh, did I ever mention that my sister killed herself when I was 11 and I was the one that found her? It’s haunted me for years since. Hey, could you pass the Splenda. Yeah, that would have been an interesting conversation in the breakroom. Especially considering how complicated our relationship was the past few years. That all changed with this case. 

I had to convince Hotch to take the case in the beginning. I had a gut feeling something was wrong. Call it intuition or just a weird case of déjà vu. Something inside told me that the kids in this case weren’t killing themselves, even if it looked that way to everyone else. I unfortunately knew a lot of the warning signs for suicide, and in this case, the kids just didn’t seem to have them. 

“4 successful suicides in the same rural county in a week? That's, uh, way above the national average.” Hotch quietly stated. 

“I know. These kids don't fit the pattern. No drug or alcohol abuse, no antidepressants, No prior arrests. These are just plain good kids who decided to hang themselves at approximately the same time on a Friday night. When someone feels trapped in what feels like a hopeless situation, pulling the trigger or swallowing pills or hanging yourself seems like the only way out. None of that seems to exist here. Something's really wrong. Hotch, I can feel it.” I implored. 

Hotch agreed to look into the case and I felt a small sense of relief. It wasn’t until we were on the plane and discussing the details that I started feeling a sense of dread again. It wasn’t about the kids from the case, but because I was remembering Rosalyn and all of the signs she had before her suicide. I had noticed some of them, and some our family had simply missed. The most glaring was the necklace that I still wore on some cases. I played with the necklace while my team discussed the case. I hadn’t meant to speak up, but I was too familiar with the topic to not share the information I thought could help. 

“Let's talk about victimology.” Hotch starts. 

“Ok. All 4 kids were decent students, from different neighboring towns, but the same school and the same county” Rossi began. 

“Active in sports and community” Morgan continued. 

“Intact families, no mental disorders, no precipitating events” Emily added her thoughts. 

“These are just average good kids. There has to be some underlying issue” Morgan continued. 

“Besides relative proximity, there's no obvious connection between any of them” Reid spoke up. 

“It seems to rule out an overt suicide pact” Hotch noted. 

“The first few days leading up to a teenager's suicide are usually very telling. Their behavior is transparent. There's a multitude of indicators.” Reid continues. 

“Yeah, but the most common don't exist here. There's no prior attempts, no period of deep depression, no withdrawal from family members, no spontaneous proclamations of love.” I interject. Given how much Reid normally likes to list everything, I had hoped he would in this case. It would have saved me from having to speak up. 

“Spontaneous proclamations of love?” Emily questioned, glancing back in my direction. 

“Sometimes a suicidal person, in the days leading up to the act, will just blurt out ‘I love you’ to family, sort of like a goodbye.” I add, diverting my gaze away from everyone. Just like Rosalyn did with me. 

I could tell by the looks I was getting from everyone that they were wondering where I came up with that random bit of information, especially given that I wasn’t trained as a profiler. I tried to avoid everyone’s inquiring gaze, and went to grab a bottle of water from the back of the jet. I took a moment to gather my thoughts and when I turned back around, Emily was standing right in front of me. I don’t know how long she had been standing there watching me, but she gave me a knowing look and asked “are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Em.” I quietly replied. 

“Are you sure? The conversation earlier seemed personal to you. I know we haven’t been on the best of terms recently, but if you need to talk, I’m here JJ.” Emily softly replied. 

“I really appreciate that Em. Really, I do.” I pulled her into a quick hug before she realized what I was doing and felt her respond in kind. As I pulled back, still maintaining my connection to her by holding her hands, I looked into her dark, understanding eyes and whispered “I’ll explain everything later.” 

With our hands still intertwined, remnants of the hug from just moments ago, I quickly leaned in and kissed her cheek, before walking back to the main part of the jet. 

Later that night at the hotel, I finally told Emily the story about Rosalyn. She was very supportive and understanding. After breaking down several times during my story, I was emotionally exhausted. I asked her to stay with me that night, and she agreed, though I could tell she did so reluctantly. She held me most of the night while I slept, staving off the nightmares that I was sure to have had, if not for her safe, protective embrace. 

I awoke the next morning to a note from Emily. She’d left a short time earlier stating she needed to go to her own room to get ready and she’d meet me at the station. She had been much kinder in her note to me, than I had been in my note to her. Then again, out of the two of us, I had always been the one that was the coward. I wished, even then, that I had the strength to tell her the truth about everything, but I had been so emotionally drained after telling her about Rosalyn, I thought I’d just talk to her after the case about everything else. 

Once I arrived at the station, Emily offered me a sad, understanding smile, but something seemed a little off. We continued to work the case and it was eventually resolved. Emily continued to offer her quiet, comforting support, but she’d become more distant again. The others noticed a change as well and asked if I knew what happened. I realized later that though I really needed her support that night, I pushed her too far, too fast, in asking her to stay the night. She ended up putting up more walls again, effectively closing me off from her emotionally. While she genuinely seemed to try, it was as if the more she tried to help me, the more she ended up hurting herself. 

On the ride back to DC on the jet, I sat across from her in the hopes we could talk, but by that time, she had almost completely disengaged. I watched her intently as she stared out the window. She occasionally pulled at her sleeves, and wrapped her arms around herself as if to find comfort somewhere within herself. She had a blanket covering her lap and after noticing I was watching her, she pulled the blanket up further around herself as if she were trying to hide herself from my gaze. 

I sat back and turned away slightly, giving her a little more privacy, but kept an eye on her through my periphery. I thought back over the times that I had been around her and realized that she really was shielding herself from my view, and it wasn’t the first time she had done the exact same thing. That got me wondering exactly what she was trying to hide. 

I found myself remembering Rosalyn doing something very similar, only to discover that she had been injuring herself. I had threatened to tell our parents, but she had made me promise not to say anything to anyone. Being a child, and Rosalyn being someone I looked up to, I had believed her when she said that it wasn’t anything to be concerned about. Seeing similar traits in Emily, I began to become concerned that Emily was possibly doing the same thing that Rosalyn did when I was a kid. 

Was Emily hurting herself physically? I tried to steal a glance at her arms, but they were completely covered. I began to think back over the times that I had been around her and realized that I rarely, if ever, saw her in sleeveless or short-sleeved shirts. I did when she first started at the BAU, but after she started to become withdrawn from me and our team, I couldn’t recall any time that she had worn anything other than long sleeve shirts, sweaters, or jackets. 

My concern started to grow, though given the case we had just been on, I couldn’t be certain if it was just my overactive imagination or if I had a reason to be concerned. I decided that whether Emily wanted me to or not, I was going to start watching her, her behavior, and her wardrobe much more carefully in the future. I was not about to take the chance and miss the signs with her the same way I did with my sister. Emily meant too much for me to take a chance of losing her too. 

I spent the next few weeks and months keeping a much closer eye on her. I noticed that she never wore short sleeve shirts. At first, I could attribute that to the fact that it was cold outside. However, once it started to become warmer weather, it became more and more obvious there were other reasons for her choice of wardrobe. I also noticed that she constantly tugged on her sleeves, ensuring they never rode up to reveal anything past her wrist. In fact, she wore shirts that would fall below her wrists in many cases. She tried to avoid sharing rooms with me if at all possible. And on the rare occasion that we would end up sharing a room during a case, she wouldn’t come back to the room until I was asleep. That, or she would completely disengage from any conversation I would try to have with her and she would still be awake when I fell asleep. In either case, she would be awake and dressed before I woke up. I often wondered if she even slept those nights. 

I attempted to confront her about it a few times, but she always had an excuse ready for whatever she thought I saw, or might have noticed. The excuses she gave me were believable enough, and I never had any proof she wasn’t being honest with me, so I never had any reason to involve anyone else. All I had were my suspicions. I had thought about involving the others on the team, but if I were wrong, then I would destroy any chance we had at repairing our relationship. I decided to just keep a close eye on her until I had more definitive proof one way or the other. 

Realizing that Emily is doing the same thing now as she did after that case in Wyoming, I have to wonder if she really did injure her arm in the lake, or did she intentionally injure herself? This time, I’m going to find out. Looking down at my watch, I realize we should be landing soon. We’ll be back at her condo tonight and I won’t let her deflect or change the subject. One way or the other, I will find out what it is she’s been trying so hard to hide. If it is the same thing as Rosalyn…if she is hurting herself…I’ll figure out a way to help her…I won’t let her keep pushing me away. 

I let Rosalyn lie to me and I believed her…she pushed me away too…she hid her secret from me too long. That cost me my sister’s life. I chance a quick glance over at Emily…still quietly looking out the window…lost in her own thoughts. I won’t make the same mistake again.


	11. My Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: The first several chapters are to provide you all with the backstory for these lovely ladies. Since the story begins midway through season 7, I want to make sure that I give you as much information as possible about what has happened in the five years they have known each other as possible, so that when the story kicks into high-gear and previous interactions or situations are mentioned, including the introduction of new characters and storylines that were not part of the original show, upcoming chapters will be make more sense. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“The blade sings to me. Faintly, so soft against my ears, its voice calms my worries and tells me that one touch will take it all away. It tells me that I just need to slide a long horizontal cut, and make a clean slice. It tells me the words that I have been begging to hear: this will make it ok.” ~ Amanda Steele

“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” ~ Stephen King  
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Chapter 11

I chance a quick glance over to JJ and realize that she is lost in thought. Good. Maybe she’s forgotten about what happened a little while ago. Hopefully she’s moved on and is worrying about something else other than me now. Maybe she’s just thinking about Henry and making plans for when he gets home. I wonder why he’s staying at her parent’s place instead of with Will? I know she said he’s out of town for a few days, but still. Why didn’t Will just take Henry with him? I wonder where he had to go that he couldn’t take Henry? Guess that’s not really my concern though. 

I hear the pilot come over the intercom to say that we will be landing shortly. It’s enough to shake JJ from her thoughts. Damn it. I quickly look back out the window again. Hopefully she won’t notice that I had been staring at her for a few minutes. That’s the last thing I need; for her to start thinking about me again and my damn “lake injury”. God. I just hope she believed me. I really don’t want to have to deal with having to explain that whole situation to someone. I have a hard enough time trying to figure it all out myself. How can you begin to explain something like that to someone else when you can’t really wrap your mind around it yourself? 

Still, I start to wonder about it all. I try to remember back to when and why it all started again. When I started at the BAU, I hadn’t self-harmed in years, and honestly, I hadn’t thought about for quite some time. But something happened once I started working there. I’m not sure if it was the stress from all of the emotions I was trying to keep contained, seeing all of the criminals and what they did to their victims, or something else. 

I just knew I needed to prove to everyone that I belonged there. I had to prove that I could be professional and strong. I wasn’t there because of my mother or some other political reason, but because I was qualified. In fact, I was over-qualified, given my Interpol and CIA background, but they weren’t aware of that then. I needed to show everyone, myself included, that the BAU was where I meant to be. 

Plus, I didn’t want to go back to the CIA. I knew I couldn’t handle another undercover assignment; especially not with how everything ended with Ian. That left me with a lifetime of secrets to try and hide. I already had more than a lifetime stashed away in my hidden compartments before that assignment; that just added more secrets and lies for me to try and figure out a way to “contain”. Plus, I had other important reasons that I needed to remain in DC. Reasons that I couldn’t let anyone else know about. 

I was fine during the first few cases at the BAU, but then everything started to change. I’m really not sure when that happened, or why. Then again, maybe I am. All of my carefully constructed walls and compartments, the ones I thought were so well hidden from everyone else, had been noticed. JJ called me out about my lack of emotion on a case, and I realized that I wasn’t reacting like I should in that kind of situation. I’d thought I was being professional, but apparently I came off as cold and unfeeling instead. I was a little taken back by her comment, and a little hurt if I’m truly honest. 

From the moment I first saw JJ, I was drawn to her. I knew it was a bad idea to get close to her. I could tell by the look in her soft blue eyes, that she had the ability to break down my carefully constructed walls, if I wasn’t extremely careful. But I didn’t listen to that voice inside my head that was warning me to proceed with caution. So, when she called me out about not being affected, not flinching at what I was saw, I realized that I’d been too cold, in an effort to reinforce my walls protecting my mind and heart. 

I knew I was walking a fine line to let my guard down a little. I needed to show some emotion, without showing too much, especially around her, or my team would never trust me. I wanted to fit in, be accepted, and trusted by all of them. I realized in that moment, to be accepted and trusted by my team, required showing some level of emotion, even if I had to fake it. Dealing with emotions, and especially sharing my own, was never a skill I was very proficient at. I bottled up the hurt that her comment caused, locked it away in yet another compartment, and moved on. Looking back though, that may have been part of what led me down the slippery slope I ended up on. 

As the cases went on, I tried to show more emotion, even if it wasn’t always completely real. By doing this, I began to earn my team’s acceptance and trust. I started spending time with the team outside of work more often. JJ and I also spent a great deal of time together. We became much closer than either of us ever dreamed. However, this ended up being both a blessing and a curse. 

My mind started to race at night with the cases I saw, the criminals and their victims, my genuine concern for my team’s safety, as well as my feelings for JJ. I’d never really been close with anyone other than my family before I started at the BAU. After working on several cases together, and spending all of the time I did with my team, especially JJ, I was beginning to see them as my family as well. To add to my confusion and racing thoughts, I saw JJ as someone that could potentially be more than just a friend. 

However, mixed up emotions and feelings, really bad timing, insecurities we both faced, all of the secrets that I had to keep, and still do, Cyrus, losing Matthew, Lucas, Ian, plus whatever it was that was happening in JJ’s life that caused her to continually show up at my door, only to run away every time, plus a dozen other reasons and excuses, ended our chance before we ever had one. 

One of the problems was that I was close with my team; I still am. But, I was constantly worried that my tenuous grasp on happiness would be shattered at any moment. That was proven correct time and time again. I started to panic, at least on the inside, wondering when the next terrible thing would happen, because something always happened. I was constantly waiting for the rug would be pulled out from under me. My happiness just never seemed to last. 

After a bad case and some issues in my relationship, if it could’ve even been called that, with JJ, my mind was racing and I couldn’t get it to stop. I knew I needed to put some walls back up around my mind and heart or the rest of my team would see how weak I really was. I wasn’t about to let that happen. I tried reading, watching TV, listening to music, but my mind kept racing. 

My thoughts were so scattered when it happened, I really have no idea what propelled me to pick up a blade again, other than shear panic, or where I even found the blade. But, when I saw that blood trickling down my arm something triggered in my head...I felt much calmer. I remembered that feeling from years before and it was a combination of fear and peace. Fear that I had resorted to doing this again and fear that I had no idea how it even happened. Peace that my scattered thoughts were stilled and peace that the panic I had just been trapped in moments earlier had subsided. Such a confusing combination to feel, but then again, the thoughts swirling around in my head are often confusing as well.

It’s strange...The inner voice I thought had been silenced so many years ago...the one that called out to me to reach for that razor blade had returned. Apparently the lock to that compartment had been knocked loose and I hadn’t noticed. It’s really amazing how quickly I fell back into that habit after so long of not doing it. Almost like a reunion between long-lost friends. My monster had returned and I had no willpower left to fight it. 

I managed to keep it hidden from everyone, for the most part. If someone did notice an injury or mark here and there, I would deflect or quickly come up with a believable cover story. I think everyone bought it. If they didn’t, they never called me out on it. Then the situation with Ian happened. The doctors assumed that all of the scars were from injuries he inflicted, and I never denied it. Cop out I realize, but it’s much easier to deflect the blame than to acknowledge the truth behind the new scars and those that had already faded. Being alone in Paris just gave me more time to try and fight my inner demons, which led to more scars, inside and out. Once my monster came back, he never left my side. 

Once I physically recovered enough, I decided that I was going to find Ian and return to my old life...or die trying. Everyone, including Ian, already thought I was dead. What did I have to lose? Being alone in Paris, just me and inner demons, I felt like I was slowly going insane. At least back in D.C., back at the BAU, I could go back to pretending to be a stable FBI agent, a BAU profiler, someone that hunted criminals, not someone that was being hunted by one. In Paris, I was just a shell of a person, a hermit, cold and alone, with too many thoughts swirling in my head. 

While I was trying to decide when to make my return to D.C., my mind started to race even more. Would I involve Hotch and Strauss? Should I attempt to locate Ian alone again? It worked out so well the last time. What should I do? How would I keep those I still cared about safe? I decided that I at least needed to contact Hotch. He would be able to let me know if the team had discovered any new information about Ian while I was away. He could pass that information on to me, and even if I wasn’t back at the BAU, I could use that information to track down Ian on my own. 

When I was finally able to get in touch with Hotch, he told me that Morgan had been working covertly on tracking Ian down. I had him let JJ know I was alive, though the rest of the team still had to be kept in the dark for the time being. I still wasn’t able to see JJ, but we spoke briefly on the phone. That quick phone call was the first time since my fight with Ian, which resulted in my “death”, that I felt some connection to my previous life. She told me that she had just started back at the BAU and Hotch had caught her up on what Morgan had been working on... tracking down Ian. 

I could tell by the tone in her voice that something was off...as if something else had happened while I was away being “dead”, but I didn’t mention it. There simply wasn’t time. I apologized for her being kept in the dark for so long about my “death” and she said it didn’t matter…she was just grateful I was alive. She told me that she loved me…and I could tell by the way she said it that she meant it as more than just as my friend. I was caught off guard by her admission. I didn’t know how to respond, other than with the truth. I did love her; I never stopped, but that didn’t fix anything. I tried to change the subject quickly. We didn’t have time for an in-depth discussion at that point, and really, what would it have solved in the end? I was just so grateful to hear her soft, soothing voice after so long. She promised she would do whatever was necessary to bring me back. 

Not long after that phone call, everything the team had been working on finally panned out, but not before Declan was taken. When Hotch called to tell me that Declan was in danger, I told him I was on my way back to D.C. He wanted me to stay put...to not put my life in jeopardy, but when it came to Declan’s life, I was more than willing to risk mine. I told Hotch I was returning and to let the team know. He did, and for lack of a better phrase, they were shocked. Things were icy at first, especially with Reid and Morgan, but they eventually came around. 

Reid was even upset with JJ at first for not telling him I was alive. I explained to him, and the rest of the team, that JJ only found out I was alive a short time before they did. I wasn’t happy about how things turned out any more than they were, but it was for their safety even more so than mine. I wasn’t about to risk Ian using one of them against me. I’ve always been willing to risk my own life for others, but I’ve never, and would never, endanger someone else, especially not for my life. I’ve never felt as though my life was worth the risk. That was true before Ian showed back up in my life, and it’s even truer today.


	12. Understanding Rosalyn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: The first several chapters are to provide you all with the backstory for these lovely ladies. Since the story begins midway through season 7, I want to make sure that I give you as much information as possible about what has happened in the five years they have known each other as possible, so that when the story kicks into high-gear and previous interactions or situations are mentioned, including the introduction of new characters and storylines that were not part of the original show, upcoming chapters will be make more sense. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.” ~ Khalil Gibran

“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” ~ Khalil Gibran  
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Chapter 12 

I hear the pilot say that we will be landing shortly, and glance over in time to notice that Emily had been watching me. I guess I had been thinking so intently, I hadn’t noticed. Unfortunately, as soon as I did, she averted her eyes and started staring out of the window again. Damn…I wish she would stop shutting me out like that. I wonder what she is thinking about now? I can’t help but remember when everything changed for us so dramatically. 

It wasn’t long after that case in Wyoming, I was called into a meeting with Strauss. She told me that I was going to be assigned to a special task force, though I wouldn’t be given specific details until I arrived at my location, as it was a classified mission. The team would be told that I was being transferred to the State Department. I told her I wasn’t interested, but she advised me that it wasn’t up for discussion. 

She told me that she would give me some time to make whatever arrangements I would need with regards to the BAU and my family, and that the “transfer” would only be temporary, though my team would be told it was permanent, with the exception of Hotch. He would hold my position, given the unique circumstances, but assign a replacement to fill my role. The replacement would only be temporary, until I returned, though everyone except Hotch would believe it was permanent. 

Because I wasn’t told any of the details regarding where I was going, or what my classified mission entailed, the only thing I was able to let Will know was that I would be gone for an unspecified amount of time, and that if there were any emergency, he could contact Strauss or Hotch at the BAU and they would find a way to reach me. 

I tried to get time with Emily alone, to explain what I could about what was going on, but she was still so closed off…distant. I did tell her that I didn’t want to leave her. She thought I meant the team, but I told her that while I would miss the team, I was talking about her specifically. I didn’t want to spring my secret on her then, given that I was going to some unknown location, for an unknown amount of time. I knew it wasn’t fair to her to drop a huge secret like the one I had been keeping on her at that point and then leave. I couldn’t explain everything then, but I promised her we figure would figure everything out together later. I know my conversation with her probably confused her even more, given her understanding of my relationship with Will, and what she thought was just a normal transfer to the State Department. I just couldn’t explain it all to her then, considering the classified nature of my mission. 

I said my goodbyes to my team, wishing I could tell them I would return to them, and the BAU, soon, and made my way to my unknown location. Once I arrived in the Middle East, my life turned upside down once again. 

It wasn’t until I was there that I realized that it was only Henry and Emily that I missed, not Will. The mission kept me busy, and after receiving an urgent call about Emily, I returned home to help. I never thought twice about the reason for my return or that I would have to return again to a war zone once I finished helping Emily. All I needed to know was that Emily needed me. Little did I know that returning home would shatter my heart. 

I used the contacts I’d made at the State Department because of my classified mission to help with the Ian Doyle disaster. In the end, Emily ran off to face Ian alone. By the time we found her, she was badly injured and pleading with Morgan to let her die. Morgan didn’t realize that his mic was still on when he radioed for a medic. I’ll never forget hearing Emily plead with Morgan to let her go. Hearing her say that haunted me for months. It still does even now. 

The Ambassador and Strauss showed up at the hospital while Emily was in surgery. Hotch kept going back and forth between the waiting room our team was in and the room where the Ambassador and Strauss were waiting. We all assumed he was acting as a mediator, since none of us really felt comfortable with Emily’s mother or Strauss. 

After what felt like an eternity, Hotch emerged from the other waiting room and motioned for me to join him. He knew that even though we had been estranged for a while, I had a special bond with Emily. He wanted to tell me separately that Emily didn’t survive the surgery. I walked back in to the waiting room, shock fully setting in. Hotch’s words echoing in my brain. “She never made it off the table…” was all I could say. I literally felt the air being sucked out of my lungs and my heart shatter into a million pieces. I’d always thought there would be more time to fix our relationship and get things back on track, but with those six little words, I felt like my life came to a screeching stop. 

I walked around the next few days in a fog. I spent time with Will and Henry and I attended Emily’s funeral. I laid a red rose on her coffin, feeling like a part of me somehow died along side of her. I loved seeing my son and spending time with him, but once the case was over, I had to return to finish my mission. Upon my return to the Middle East, what little bit of sanity and life I had been able to grasp onto at home, looking into my son’s eyes, was gone. I wanted to give up completely and be with Emily. 

I’d never really understood the choice Rosalyn made when I was a kid. When I thought Emily had died, I finally understood. Had it not been for Henry, I likely would have made a similar choice. The thought of my life without Emily in it was something that I couldn’t handle. Instead making the same decision Rosalyn made, I made other terrible choices while I was still in the Middle East. Those decisions now haunt me, and have left me with secrets that I still keep. When my mission was over and I was finally able to return home, I received a phone call that changed everything once again. 

Hotch called me and told me that Emily was alive. I nearly dropped the phone. He said that the Ambassador and Strauss had made the decision at the hospital to fake her death in order to keep her safe from Ian. She hadn’t been aware of that decision until after I had returned to my classified location and she wanted to let me know she was alive as soon as she had woke up, but given the unusual circumstances of my location and the temporary transfer he was on, it wasn’t possible. 

He wanted to let me know about Emily, as soon as he could safely do so, but I couldn’t let the others on the team know. He knew that I would be returning to the BAU and that Morgan was still working on tracking Ian down. He had heard from Emily and she was thinking about going out on her own again to track down Ian. Hotch hoped that if I could find out what Morgan knew and then speak to Emily, that would prevent her from tracking down Ian on her own. Emily was safer remaining in hiding at that point. Hotch said that he would have Emily call me shortly to discuss everything and that he was sorry for putting me through everything. 

When I got that phone call, I finally felt like I could breathe again. Every night since I was told she had died, I prayed that I was in some nightmare and that I would wake up and find out it was all a mistake. It turned out it was and she was alive. She apologized to me and I told her that it didn’t matter. All that mattered to me was that she was alive and that I finally had a chance to tell her that I loved her. She was silent for a little while before telling me that she loved me too. She quickly changed the subject though and asked what Morgan had been able to find out about Ian. 

I told her what I had found out and between Hotch and I, we were able to keep Emily in the loop on all of the information. It wasn’t until Emily realized Declan was in danger that she made the decision to come out of hiding. Part of me was worried for her safety, but the bigger part of me was so excited to see her. I wanted to run to her and throw my arms around her. I wanted to kiss her and never let her go. I was able to hug her briefly when I saw her, but too many people were around that needed to hug her, to see for themselves she was alive, and the case demanded everyone’s immediate attention. 

After the case wrapped up, she seemed to disappear whenever I was around or she would intentionally avoid being alone with me. I tried several times to get her to go out after work so we could talk, or to pull her into my old office so we could at least have a private conversation, but she always came up with an excuse so she didn’t have to be alone with me. She seemed almost scared to be alone with me when she came back, which confused me. I know we had our issues before I left, but something felt off. 

I’m shaken from my thoughts once more as I realize that we have finally landed. I look over at Emily and notice that she has put away her blanket and grabbed her go-bag in preparation to disembark from the plane. I stand, putting away my blanket and grab my go-bag as well. Everyone else has already made their way off of the jet. Knowing she will probably try to come up with a reason to avoid our conversation tonight, I preemptively stop that conversation before she has a chance. 

“Do you want to ride together to your place, or did you want me to follow you?” I ask, showing that I have no intention of forgetting about our upcoming conversation.


	13. Driven to Distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“If somebody is gracious enough to give me a second chance, I won't need a third.” ~ Pete Rose

“People need to be made more aware of the need to work at learning how to live because life is so quick and sometimes it goes away too quickly.” ~ Andy Warhol  
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Chapter 13

“Can’t run off in the middle of the night if you don’t have your own car.” Emily quietly mutters. 

Ouch. Guess I should’ve seen that one coming. I knew I hurt her by running off like I did before…I’ll just have to work that much harder to prove to her that I’m not going to do that again. 

“Uhh…sorry…I guess you can just follow me” she says a little louder.

“No…it’s fine…” I reply. “I…uh…”

The sound of Emily’s stomach growling loudly interrupts our conversation.

“Emily…when’s the last time you ate something?” I inquire. 

“Uhhh…I…ummm…ohh….yeah, I grabbed a bagel with my coffee this morning on the way to the station.” Emily responds. 

“EMILY! That wasn’t today…that was yesterday. I walked out right behind you on the way to the station yesterday and today. You seemed like you were in a hurry this morning and never even stopped for coffee until we got to the station, remember? Have you eaten anything else sense the bagel yesterday?” my concerned reply. 

“Well…we’ve been kinda busy with the case. It’s fine.” Emily replies dismissively. 

“No wonder you look so pale. You have to eat more than that. Between only eating a bagel yesterday and however you injured your arm, I’m surprised you haven’t passed out by now.“ I reply. 

I thought she looked like she’d lost some weight…which she really didn’t need to lose. God…Rosalyn and I both had a problem with that…though my problems didn’t happen until Rosalyn was gone. With Ros…we didn’t realize she had a problem until she passed out at school. I was able to hide my issues a lot better…probably since I learned from her mistakes. Plus, I was away from home and I was older when my problems started. But, I know the damage it can cause if you don’t get a handle on it. 

I just hope this is just a one-time thing with Emily, like she said, and she just got too focused on the case. Not that I have much room to talk when it comes to this particular issue…but I do have control over it now, so it’s fine. It’s just that it makes it easier for me to recognize in other people now. Plus, I understand some of the reasons behind it too. 

Why is it that every time I turn around Emily is reminding me of my sister…and not in a good way? The thought of something happening to Emily, the way it did with Ros, terrifies me. Especially given how she’s been acting and with what she said happened with her arm…it just makes me wonder what’s really going on with her. It’s like she’s slowly or even purposely trying to…No…no…I’m not going to think like that…or let that happen.

“Look….you need to eat something…So…do you have food at your place, that you can fix, or do you want to order in something when we get there? That or we can stop somewhere on the way?” I follow up. 

“I haven’t had time to go to the store for groceries…” Emily quietly replies “but…I’m not really hungry…so…”

Yeah…not hungry…that sounds familiar. I used to say the same thing…so did Ros.

“Well…you need to eat. So, do you want to order in or stop somewhere on the way?” I interject.

“If you want to order something when we get there…that’s fine.” Emily replies. 

“Good. We’ll figure out something that you’ll like, and we can worry about getting you some groceries tomorrow.” I calmly state. 

“Tomorrow?” Emily questions. 

“Yeah…tomorrow. I’m not running away from you this time Emily.” I firmly reply as I grab both of our go-bags and turn to start walking off of the jet. “Are you coming?” I glance back over my shoulder to look at Emily before stepping off of the jet. 

“Yeah” I hear Emily mutter behind me. 

*************************************************************************************

I watch as JJ walks with purpose towards the two remaining vehicles in the lot. She stops at her SUV first to drop off her go-bag and I dig through my pockets to retrieve the key to my own SUV and hit the unlock button. Hearing the familiar click and seeing the lights flash, signifying the SUV is now unlocked, JJ heads over to my SUV and opens the back door, sliding the go-bag inside. 

“All set.” She states. “I’ll just follow you.”

I nod in response and slide in the driver’s side. I pull out of the lot with JJ directly behind me. Knowing I need to concentrate on the drive, I try to focus on the road instead of our upcoming conversation. 

However, I can’t help but wonder what I have gotten myself in to this time. 

I really didn’t mean to say anything about her running off in the middle of the night…out loud. I really need to learn to filter what I say…or at least learn to control what I say out loud a little better. I’m not sure when I lost control of that particular ability, but I seem to be having more and more trouble with saying what I’m thinking, instead of just keeping it to myself these days. 

Now on top of everything else, JJ seems to be worried about how much I’m eating…or not eating as it were. Granted…I’ve been a little pre-occupied and probably haven’t been eating as much as I should. But, I really haven’t been hungry. That being said, I really didn’t need to add to the growing list of things for her to worry about. I’m going to have a hard enough time trying to get her to not focus on my damn arm. Now, on top of that, she is talking about helping me with grocery shopping tomorrow. I seriously doubt she’ll still be here tomorrow. She tends to run away when things get to serious or when I fall asleep. Even if by some miracle she is still there in the morning, I have things to do tomorrow that she can’t know about, or be a part of. 

***BBEEEEEEEPPPP***

Aaahhhh…SHIT!!! I slam on my brakes and skid to a stop just in time to avoid a nasty collision with a very large truck. Wow! I slowly turn and look out my driver’s side window and notice that I’m close enough to see the grill on the truck up close….Holy Shit! That’s not good. I try and catch my breath and look around…noticing I have enough room to back my SUV up. I put it in reverse and back out of his way. He drives around me…shouting a variety of obscenities and waving with a couple of not so nice hand gestures…which I completely deserve. God…I’m such an idiot! At least I’m now out of the way of oncoming traffic. 

The truck had been going through the intersection that I started to go through and had the right-of-way. I just wasn’t paying attention and hadn’t noticed the bright red light that signified I was supposed to stop. Had the truck driver not blasted his horn, and slammed on his brakes as well, I would’ve been hit…driver’s side…right in front of JJ. I still managed to get close enough to his truck that I wouldn’t have been able to slide a piece of paper between my door and his front bumper. Good Lord…That was way to close! 

What the Hell is wrong with me! I’m still trying to catch my breath…realizing I haven’t been paying as much attention as I should’ve been while I was driving; so much for my earlier pet talk with myself about paying attention driving home. I look in the rearview mirror and notice the horrified look on JJ’s face…she realizes that I was nearly T-Boned in the intersection directly in front of her. Great…more for her to worry about. I just can’t seem to catch a break right now. 

Okay…green means go. Focus on driving dumbass; at least make it back to your condo without something else catastrophic happening. The last thing you need is for something else to happen before you ever make it home. Thankfully, the condo isn’t that much further, so you just turn on the radio and try to focus on the music and the drive the rest of the way. Thankfully, the music helps to calm my breathing and the rest of the drive is fairly relaxing. 

I manage to make the rest of the way to my condo without further incident and pull into the lot. I didn’t see where JJ parked, but I’m sure it’s somewhere close to where I parked. I unlock the door and slowly step out of my SUV. I just need to get my go-bag and figure out where JJ is so we can make our way inside. I turn to open my back door, but am caught off guard as JJ slams into me…hugging me with enough speed and force she nearly knocks me off of my feet. 

“Oh my God Emily…that truck…it almost hit you…I thought…oh God…I can’t lose you…not again.” JJ is frantically crying.

I knew she saw what happened with the truck…but her response surprises me. I can’t help but hug her back…pulling her tighter into me. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve missed the feeling of having JJ in my arms. I also hate to see her upset. 

JJ pulls back from the hug just slightly and looks into my eyes…Damn…those beautiful blue eyes that I get lost in every time. I see the fear them that I saw in the rearview mirror…but it’s mixed with something else that I can’t quite figure out. 

Before I have time to process what it is I’m seeing behind that ocean of blue, she does something that catches me completely by surprise. She quickly leans forward, pressing her lips to mine, in a kiss that is startling in its ferocity. I find myself too shocked to respond at first, but within a second or two, I find myself kissing her back. It doesn’t take long to turn into a hungry, passionate kiss. I feel JJ’s tongue sliding across my bottom lip and I softly gasp in response. She takes advantage of my surprise and slides her tongue into my mouth. My hands have started a dance of their own, moving gracefully up and down her back. One of hers is sliding up and down my side, while the other has found itself on the back of my head, guiding me closer to her…deepening our kiss. 

“Wait, JJ,” I finally say, breathlessly…as I place my flattened hands against JJ’s shoulders, pushing her back. 

“Stop.” The logical part of my brain finally kicks in and overrides my heart and hormones as I pull back to look into her eyes. 

“JJ….wh…why….what…” I can’t seem to find the right words. 

“I thought I lost you…again. I can’t lose you again, Emily. I won’t. I love you damnit. I’ve been in love with you from the moment I first met you. I just didn’t realize what it was that I felt at first. I didn’t realize how much I needed you until I thought I lost you. We have another chance now. I’ve wanted…no needed…to do that ever since you came back. Then I saw that truck nearly hit you tonight and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to waste any more time. You’ve been pushing me away since you’ve been back. You were doing even before you left, but I won’t let you keep doing that...not anymore.” JJ quickly replied. 

“I’ve missed you too JJ. Really, I have. But…” I start to reply.

But too much has happened…I still have too many things that you don’t know…too many things I can’t tell you. If you found out all of those things…I’m sure you wouldn’t feel the same way you do now. Besides, you’re still with Will…and you have Henry to think about. I won’t mess that up.

“No…no buts…you’re not going to push me away this time.” JJ states firmly…tears still shining in her eyes. 

“What about Will, JJ? Are you planning on leaving him for me?” I angrily ask, knowing this has always been one of our major issues. That should end this conversation pretty quickly. 

“That’s one of the things I wanted to talk to you about, Emily. Will and I aren’t together.” JJ quietly responds.

“What? Since when?” I ask, unable to hide my shock. 

“Can we just go up to your condo and order some food. You need to eat, and I’m sure we need to take a look at your arm again by now. Plus, the thing with Will is kind of a long story. That way we can just sit down, eat, have some wine or whatever, and talk about everything? I think once I explain it all to you, you’ll understand everything more, and hopefully, you’ll stop pushing me away so much. Please. ” JJ pleaded. 

“Okay.” I reply. 

What else could I have said? No…I don’t want to know or I don’t care? That would’ve been a lie. I do care…unfortunately. Now, I really need some answers. I’m not sure if it will change anything, especially given everything that has happened between us already, and all of the secrets that I’m still keeping from her, but I still want to know. When did this happen? Is this why she said Will was out of town or why he didn’t take Henry with him wherever he went? I don’t remember her ever saying about them having problems or anything else. 

I grab my go-bag from the SUV and we make our way upstairs to my condo. As we make our way inside, I can’t help but wonder exactly what the next few hours have in store


	14. Waiting to Exhale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story…and please review…Now on with the show!!!

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“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.” ~ Audre Lorde  
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Chapter 14

As we make our way inside the condo, Emily drops her bag at the foot of the stairs. We continue walking into the condo, making our way into the living room to stand near the couch. At this point, Emily is acting like she doesn’t know whether she wants to sit down or bolt from the room right now. She might still be in shock from our kiss a few minutes ago, or the news that I’m not with Will, since she hasn’t said much since then. When she finally does turn around to look at me, I can tell she’s trying to decide what to ask first. 

“So…you aren’t with Will now? When did this happen?” Emily finally asks. 

“Why don’t I order some food and you can get us something to drink. It’s a long story and you need to eat something before you pass out. Once the food is on the way, we can sit down and I can try to explain everything to you. What do you want me to order?” I reply. 

She needs to eat and if I get started with this story, we’ll get distracted and forget to order the food. I need to make sure that she has something to eat…especially considering how little she’s had in the last couple of days. 

“I’m not really hungry…and you said you wanted to talk and explain what was going on, so…” Emily starts. 

“I know…but you need to eat something. I’m worried about you, Em. Please.” I quietly interrupt. 

“Okay, fine.” Emily replies. 

“Good. I promise, I’ll explain everything. I just want to get the food ordered so we can get that out of the way. Does that Italian place you like still deliver?” I ask. 

“Yeah, I think so. The menus are in the drawer in the kitchen. Just order whatever you want. I’m going to go freshen up. I’ll get our drinks when I’m done and meet you back here.” Emily answers as she turns and walks out of the living room. 

I watch as she grabs her go-bag and makes her way upstairs. I know that she’s really going to go take care of her arm. But for now, I realize I’m just going to have to deal with one problem at a time. I’ll worry about getting her something to eat first, and then I can tackle the possibility of her injuring herself later. I know if I try and push her and ask her about what really happened to her arm, she’ll shut me out. She has to know my secret first…at least one of them…especially if I hope to get her to open up and realize she can trust me enough to talk to me about one of her secrets. 

I make my way into the kitchen and find the menu for that Italian place she likes and I call in our order. Emily hasn’t come back downstairs yet, so I decide that I’ll go ahead and get the glasses ready for our drinks. I start opening up the cupboards looking for the glasses, only to find most are completely empty. I finally find two glasses, but in my search, I realize that she definitely wasn’t kidding about not having anything here to eat. 

My curiosity gets the better of me and I check the fridge to see if she has an open bottle of wine, and to see what she has in there for food, only to find it completely empty as well, save a few bottles of water and the ingredients for mixed drinks. I turn around in time to hear Emily clearing her throat. 

“Uhhh…sorry. I was just looking for a bottle of wine. I found the glasses though.” I reply…a little too quickly…holding the glasses up. 

“In the wine fridge…under the island.” She responds, tilting her head towards the location of the wine refrigerator. “Just head on back to the living room. I’ll get the wine.” She finishes. 

“Uhhh…okay.” I reply, moving past her on my way back into the living room. “The food will be here in about 45 minutes.” I mention on my way past her. 

“That’s fine. “ She replies. 

I make my way into the living room, sitting down on the couch. She follows behind me, carrying two glasses of wine and the bottle in wine bucket. She hands me a glass and takes one for herself, before sitting on the opposite end of the couch. She turns to face me as if waiting for me to start my conversation. “Food is on the way…so now you can tell me what is going on.” She concludes. 

I take a big sip of wine before I start, glancing up to look at her. “I’m trying to decide where to start. I’ve wanted to have this conversation with you for so long, but never really thought I’d finally get the chance.” I begin. 

Taking another sip of wine, I quietly begin to let Emily in on my long held secret. “I guess I should probably just start at the beginning…I guess that would make more sense.” I continue, glancing up to see Emily staring intently in my direction. “Just bear with me while I try to explain all of this...okay?”

I see Emily nod. 

“Okay. Well, you know that we all first met Will with that case down in New Orleans, right?” I ask rhetorically. “And he started off hitting on you, but you just ignored him, so he started hitting on me. I didn’t realize in the beginning that he’d been hitting on you first, and so I was flattered when he started hitting on me. I just thought he was sweet. I know that we’d been spending a lot of time together before then, and that case is where things kind of went off the rails for us.” I glance back up at Emily and notice she’s looking thoughtfully at me, though I see a hint of sadness in her eyes. 

“I know the two of us had gotten a lot closer before we all met Will, and part of me was terrified by what that meant. You terrified me.” I continue, looking down at my hands. “It wasn’t you specifically, I guess, but my feelings for you. I wasn’t sure what they were exactly, or how to process them. The way I felt about you was something completely new to me. Not just because you were a woman, but they were just so intense.” I continued, quickly glancing back up at Emily, before continuing on. 

“I’d never been the kind of person to ever get attached to someone else. Guys would get attached to me, but I just never felt a connection to them, so it wasn’t a big deal to walk away. I was never interested in any kind of commitment…ever. I was even like that with friends. I had some good friends, but nothing like best friends or anything like that either. I guess losing Rosalyn caused me to put up walls and keep people at an arm’s length…it kept me from getting really attached to anyone. If I wasn’t close to them, I didn’t have to worry about getting hurt if I lost them. Then you came along…and all of a sudden…I felt this weird attachment to you that I didn’t understand. Plus, I had always considered myself straight, so my feelings for you just didn’t make any sense to me. I just thought you were a really good friend…maybe even something like a best friend, which was new for me. I didn’t have anything to relate that kind of attachment, or feeling connected to someone else like I did with you, from my past, so that’s what made sense to me at the time.” I look back up at Emily again. She is still watching me intently, though she’s not showing any indication of a reaction one way or another, so I just continue on with my explanation. 

“So when Will asked me out, I gave him my business card. I never really thought much about it. I just figured we’d talk on the phone, or maybe go out as friends. It really never occurred to me that things would progress any further…especially considering how far apart we lived from each other. But, he started flying up here and I realized that I actually enjoyed his company…at least as a friend. Then I met your family, and realized that even as a friend, you were so far out of my league…it wasn’t even funny.” I try to explain.

“What do you mean…out of your league?” Emily interjects. 

“That was part of the problem…or at least what I saw as a problem. You and your family were rich, powerful, sophisticated…everything that I wasn’t. I’d never fit in to a world like that…even as a friend. I just felt inferior around all of you. Seeing you with your mom just reinforced how much better you were than me.” I try to explain. 

“That’s ridiculous JJ.” Emily argues. “Money doesn’t equal class. It certainly doesn’t entitle someone to something or mean someone is better than someone else. You’re beautiful, talented, sophisticated, intelligent, and just as powerful, in your own right, as anyone that travels in those wealthy circles my family frequents.” Emily argues. 

“But I didn’t see it that way, Em. I just thought that whether we were friends or something more, that you would eventually realize I wasn’t good enough for you and you’d leave me. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I left you before you could leave me. You’ll never know how sorry I am for that damn note I left you. If I could take that back…change things…I would. But that night after we were together, I kept envisioning all of these worst case scenarios in my head…instead of all of the good things that we could have had together, could have been together. I kept seeing you leaving me when you realized I wasn’t good enough for you and your family…what my family would think if they found out I was with a woman…even though I never talked to them about it. It’s a stupid excuse, I know. But, it’s how I felt then…I just got scared. You’ve said several times how you hate politics. That’s how I feel about small towns. That’s part of the reason I hate going back home. Everyone has to know everything about your life. I didn’t want to be front page news in that stupid town…especially when I thought you’d just end up leaving me in the end anyways. So…I took the easy way out and left. I’m so…so…sorry about that.” I softly sobbed, glancing up at Emily again, noticing unshed tears in her eyes. 

“I realized after I left that stupid note the damage I caused when you showed up at work the next day. It was like some light inside of you was shut off…or broken.” I try to continue. 

“It’s because you broke my heart, JJ.” Emily softly whispered as she looked away from me. She’s picking at some invisible lint on a pillow she has in front of her chest which she’s enveloped in her arms, using it as makeshift shield. 

“I know…and I’ll do everything in my power to repair that damage, Em…I will.” I respond, scooting closer to her on the couch. I try to reach out to hold one of her hands, but she pulls them away, instead squeezing the pillow she’s holding like it’s a lifeline. 

“I wanted to fix everything as soon as I realized the damage that I did, but you shut me out completely. I thought if I gave it a little time…gave you a little time…I could fix things between us. In the meantime, we got that case down in Miami and Will was back around us all again. I knew you wanted nothing to do with him. In all honesty, I didn’t want to be around him either. I broke up with him while I was down there and went to talk to you…but you said you didn’t feel like talking. The next day you acted like you wanted nothing to do with me and said that I should go for it with Will. You were just so cold to me that day. The way you treated me hurt me so badly…I just wanted to hurt you back. Stupid I know…but I wasn’t thinking. So, I ran to Will and told him I changed my mind. I knew you were watching so I kissed him…I just did it to hurt you. I didn’t really want to get back together with him. I really wanted to be with you.” I look back up at Emily…seeing recognition in her eyes. 

“You broke up with him that night? That’s what you wanted to talk to me about?” Emily inquires. 

“Yeah. But you said you didn’t feel like talking. You said you’d talk to me the next day…but then you were so mean…so cold. You acted like you couldn’t care less what I did or who I was with so I just wanted to hurt you back…” I answered “so I did…” I whispered, looking away. 

“I stayed behind to help Will…and I didn’t want to face you after putting on such a show at the station. When I got back, I decided that I was going to go ahead and break things off with Will, but then I found out that I was pregnant. It happened down in Miami. I’d felt bad for all of the back and forth I did with Will and his emotions…saying I was going to break up with him…then I didn’t want to break up…I felt like I owed him something. I knew sleeping with him was a mistake, but I didn’t think that one mistake would end up with me getting pregnant.” I nervously explain…looking down at my hands.

I took another long sip of my wine before continuing. “I was able to avoid him after that until he showed up in New York. I tried to keep him from showing up there too, but since I hadn’t seen him since I’d left Miami, and only called him once to tell him I was pregnant, he was starting to get nervous about me avoiding him, so he flew up to see me. I had no idea that he would tell everyone about me being pregnant, and I definitely didn’t know he’d tell everyone we were planning on getting married...which we weren’t. I’d already told him that wasn’t gonna happen. He just didn’t seem to want to take no for an answer. I wanted to talk to you that night and explain that he was wrong…that what he announced in front of everyone was wrong. But, the rest of the team was so excited, and I needed to make sure he knew where we stood, with regards to our future together, so nothing like that would happen again. I had to clear things up with him first. You offered your congratulations but then you shut me out again. I was so angry at Will for just showing up like that…it felt like he ruined my chance to work things out with you…again.” 

Taking the bottle of wine from the bucket, I refill my glass and return the bottle, before continuing on. 

“I thought I might finally have a chance to explain everything to you right after that happened. You finally seemed to be letting some of your walls down around me when we came back from that case…but then you and Reid were held in the compound with Cyrus. Once that happened, you shut me out…again. But that time, it wasn’t just me…you shut everyone out. I know something happened to you there, Em. I hope one day you can talk to me about it…but I understand if you don’t feel like talking to me about it now.”

I glance up at Emily and watch as she shakes her head. I can see that she’s fighting back tears as I finish talking about Cyrus. I reach out for her hand again and this time, she doesn’t pull away from me. I squeeze her hand and feel her squeeze mine back. Finally…I’m making some progress at breaking down some of her walls. 

Still holding her hand, I continued on, “It doesn’t have to be now…but one day Em. I want to help you deal with whatever it was that happened. I’ll be there whenever you are ready to talk about it; whether it’s today, a week from now, or a year from now.”

Emily nods slightly. 

Taking another sip from my glass, I offer a small smile and squeeze her hand before continuing on with my explanation. 

“Whatever the reason though, it just seemed like we would take one step forward on repairing the damage in our relationship, and then we would end up taking two steps back. At the same time all of that was happening, Will transferred up here from the New Orleans Police Department. He did it to help me out when I was pregnant, and to be closer to me before Henry was born. He didn’t want to miss Henry’s birth. When he moved here, we got the house we’re living in now. It’s close to both of our jobs and he’s able to be there for Henry when I’m at work or away on a case.” I stop, taking another big sip of wine before continuing. 

“The part I haven’t mentioned to anyone, is that when Will moved here, even though I know a part of him was hoping we could be a real family, is that he moved up here just for Henry. We haven’t been a couple since before Henry was born.” I finish the main part of my explanation, looking to Emily to see that she understands what I am trying to explain. 

“What do you mean? You’ve been living together for years.” Emily questions. 

“Yeah, we have. But as roommates, Em. Not as a couple. We’ve always had separate bedrooms. We live together as co-parents and friends, nothing more. He helps with Henry when I’m away on a case, and he lives there so he can be close to Henry, but we’re not together. We were only together that one time…in Miami. I realized it was a mistake as soon as it happened. I felt like I was cheating on you that night and I could never bring myself to do it again. Will’s known for years how I felt about you. In fact, he’s spending the weekend right now with his long-time girlfriend. You remember Ashley Seaver, right?” I ask. 

“The one that worked at the BAU? Will’s dating her?” Emily’s shocked question.

“Yeah. She transferred to another division in the FBI. They started dating a while back. Will met her when he brought Henry in to see Garcia. I’m actually fine with it. And to be honest, Will’s been pushing me to talk to you for a while now. He knows who my heart has belonged to for years. When I thought I lost you…after your fight with Ian…it nearly killed me, Em. If it wasn’t for Henry…I don’t think I’d be here right now. I’m just hoping you’ll say that it isn’t too late for us. I love you, Em. I always have, and I always will. Nothing will ever change that. Can you forgive me for everything that’s happened in the past…all of the stupid mistakes I made? Can we start over again together and put the past behind us…Please?” I implore…looking up at Emily…grasping her hands tightly in mine. 

I realize I’m holding my breath, waiting for her to respond, but Emily remains silent…taking everything in that I’ve just told her. 

She finally looks like she’s getting ready to respond, but the doorbell rings, signifying our food has arrived. “I’ll go get our food. Why don’t you just grab the wine and bring it to the table.” Emily quietly states, as she stands and walks towards the front door. 

I nod in reply, realizing I still haven’t released the breath I’ve been holding. 

God…I hope she forgives me and we can start over again. I need her too much for her to give up on us now.


	15. I'll Do Anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> Sorry for the delay in posting this…I hadn’t gotten many reviews on the story and the ones I did get weren’t very flattering. So…my muse took a break…or a nap. I debated on continuing with the story for a while, but decided to keep going for a while. I had planned for this to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it’s positive!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster.” ~ William Throsby Bridges

“Control what you can control. Don't lose sleep worrying about things that you don't have control over because, at the end of the day, you still won't have any control over them.” ~ Cam Newton  
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Chapter 15

As I take the food that was delivered towards the dining room, I realize that the thoughts inside my head are swirling around, much like a Category 5 Hurricane or an EF5 Tornado. What’s that saying, be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it…but there’s always a catch. I’m faced with what looks like an easy choice, but it isn’t. In reality, it’s my dream coming true. Unfortunately, it’s just a little too late. The woman of my dreams…the woman I will love, probably for the rest of my miserable life, telling me what I’ve wanted to hear for years. Too bad it’s too late to make any difference now. I just wish I would’ve know how she felt sooner, before I was a wounded, scarred, broken shell of a person. Then at least I would’ve had a chance of being able, capable, and worthy of returning the love she apparently has had for me all along. Now…not so much. 

I would love nothing more than to tell JJ that everything’s fine, the past is in the past, and we can move forward together in the future…but that’s just not realistic. There’s a big part of me that wants to believe her…wants to believe that she wouldn’t leave again. But, there’s still this part of me that can’t help but wonder when she’ll change her mind again and run away. Not that it really matters in the end anyway.   
Considering all of the secrets that I’m keeping; if she finds out about all of them, I’m sure she’d run away anyway. I find it so ironic that she was so worried about not being good enough for me. This whole time, it’s been me that wasn’t good enough for her, and that was in the beginning. Now that I’m completely broken, I’m definitely not good enough for her, or anyone else for that matter. I just don’t know how to explain that to her without saying something stupid like “it’s not you…it’s me” or something equally as lame. Even though that statement is entirely accurate, it just doesn’t seem to encompass everything that I would want, or need, to say. I don’t want to hurt her, but she deserves so much more than I could ever provide. 

My thoughts are interrupted by JJ, grasping my hands, which are still holding on to the bags of food. “Emily? Are you okay?” JJ asks, concern lacing her voice. 

“Uhhh…yeah, why?” I reply calmly. 

“You’ve been holding the food the guy delivered for a few minutes, just staring off into space. I’ve been trying to get your attention, but you acted like you didn’t even hear me.” JJ replied. 

“Oh….sorry. I was just thinking about something. Here…” I offer her the food “I’m not sure what you ordered, so I’ll let you sort it out” I reply. 

“Okay.” JJ quietly responds, taking the bags and sorting out the food onto two plates. “You’re sure you’re okay?” JJ continues, handing me a plate of food. 

“Yeah” I reply, taking the food and sitting down at the table. I watch as JJ hands me a glass of wine before taking her food and wine and sitting down next to me at the table. 

We sit for a while in silence, sipping wine, while I try to figure out a way to answer the questions JJ asked before the guy delivered our food. 

“You need to actually eat something Em, not just push the food around on your plate.” JJ quietly says. 

“What?” I reply, somewhat distractedly. 

“You haven’t eaten anything Em…you’ve just been moving the food around on your plate. You need to actually eat something…please. It’s not good for you to go so long with nothing to eat.” JJ states worriedly. 

“Oh…sorry. I’m just not hungry…that’s all.” I reply, trying to play off the worry in her voice. 

“Please…just a few bites. I don’t want you to get sick or pass out…please…for me.” JJ’s concern rising. 

Seeing the worry in her eyes, I slowly start eating some of the food in front of me…nausea setting in after the first few bites, so I stop. “Better? I ate a little bit.”

I see JJ give me a small nod, though the worry is still showing in her eyes. I’m sure she was hoping I would eat more, but she doesn’t say anything else about it. 

I continue to try and figure out what I’m going to say to JJ as she finishes her dinner. I watch as she starts to clean up the dishes and I try to stop her “I can get those JJ…you don’t need to do that.”

“It’s fine, Em. You can clean up the ones tomorrow, if you want.” JJ states firmly. 

“Tomorrow?” I ask, confusion lacing my voice. 

“I told you, Em. I’m not running away this time. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that to you.” JJ says with determination. “Can we go back in and sit on the couch. Finish our talk from earlier? You never did answer my questions before.”

“Yeah, I guess we should finish our conversation.” I reply, standing and taking the wine and glasses in with me as I go, sitting in the spot on the couch where I’d been earlier, with JJ sitting right beside me. 

“Have you thought about what I said to you earlier? What I asked you? Can you forgive me for the mistakes I made before? Can we just move past those and start over again?” JJ asked in rapid succession. 

I take a long sip of wine before turning to look at JJ, getting lost in that ocean of blue as her eyes lock with mine. God…I can’t help but think about how beautiful JJ really is…inside and out…and how much I truly love her. But, I know she’ll be so much better without me. Trying to fight back tears, struggling to keep the walls up around my heart that still remain somewhat intact, I try to focus on what I need to say. 

“I guess I’m having the same problem you were having earlier…trying to figure out where to start.” I glance up at JJ before looking down at the wine glass in my hands. “I know the answers to all of your questions should be easy for me…but they really aren’t. Everything is just so complicated.” 

I see JJ nod out of the corner of my eye. “I know…and I’m so sorry about that Em…I’m so sorry about so many things…” JJ quietly states. 

“It’s not just the stuff with you and Will…though I wish you would’ve told me about that a long time ago…or even all of those times that you came over here and then disappeared before the sun came up. Although…I have to admit…part of me can’t shake the feeling that regardless of what you’ve said tonight…you’ll still change your mind and run away again…” I start to explain my fear that she’ll leave, but she interrupts me. 

“I told you Em…I know what I did before hurt you…a lot…but I won’t run away from you again…ever. I’ll do anything you want or need me to do to prove that to you.” JJ implores. “And I mean anything…” 

“Hell…you can even tie me to the bed…or handcuff me to you…if that’ll prove I’m not going anywhere.” JJ finishes by turning over her wrists and thrusting them towards me with a seductive wink. “Really…I wouldn’t mind.” 

Good lord! This conversation definitely took an unexpected detour. I’m lucky I didn’t choke on my wine. Guess I better set my glass down before she says something else like that or she notices my hands shaking at her startling admission. At this point…she might end up giving me a heart attack! How am I supposed to concentrate on what I need to say with images like those in my head! I’d better come up with a response pretty quick before she says something else like that and I spontaneously combust…or my brain shuts down completely from all of those vivid thoughts and images. 

“You really shouldn’t promise something you have no intention on following through with, JJ.” I reply…trying to keep my blushing cheeks from turning a darker shade of red. 

“Oh….I mean it.” JJ calmly replies…with a seductive grin playing at the corners of her mouth. 

“Jesus JJ…how much wine have you had to drink tonight?” I ask. 

I’ve never seen her act like this before. Not that I necessarily mind some of the thoughts rolling around in my head at the moment…but still. I have to wonder if she’s drunk…or just trying to mess with me for some reason. Whatever the case…it makes focusing on what I’m trying to talk to her about that much more difficult. Maybe that was her plan all along. Distract me so I’ll forget about the serious conversation we were having. 

“You can blame it on the wine if you’d like, Em…but I’m not drunk. I’m completely serious. I could be wrong…but it seems to me that you feel like you’ve lost control over a lot of things in your life…not just with me. I controlled almost every aspect of our relationship…with how far things went…when things happened…or if they happened at all…and you just let me. I want to try and give you back some of the control I took away from you…some of the choices I never let you make. I’m completely serious about wanting to be with you no matter what…and doing whatever it takes to prove that to you.” JJ explains with a faint smile…placing her wrists in my lap…still pressed together to make her point. 

“Uhhh…okay…if you’re sure you’re not drunk…I guess I’ll have to take your word on that. As for thinking I’ve lost some of my control in my life…I guess maybe I do feel that way sometimes. You trying to give me control over something else instead…I’m not sure it really works that way.” I reply, placing my hands over her wrists in my lap. 

“About this” I say…squeezing her wrists together between my hands. “I didn’t realize you were into being tied up…or handcuffed…or anything else like that. But I guess I’ll keep that in mind…you know…just in case.” 

“You do that” JJ replies with another seductive wink.

I squeeze her wrists together once more, before leaning in to whisper in her ear “You really should be careful what you promise…because I’m no angel. Once you give me control…I may not want to give it back.” I finish by softly kissing her neck just below her ear…hearing a low moan escape her throat. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to be an angel, Em. In fact…I was counting on that. Besides…you look great in red.” JJ replied, slowly turning to face me…a seductive smile on her face and a playful glint in her beautiful blue eyes. She locked eyes with me briefly before slowly leaning in and pressing her soft lips to mine.


	16. Not the Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it’s positive!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“No one can possibly know what is about to happen: it is happening, each time, for the first time, for the only time.” ~ James Baldwin

“True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does.” ~ Torquato Tasso  
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Chapter 16

Okay…so playing along with her little seductress game might’ve been a bad idea. I guess that saying about hindsight being 20/20 would probably be applicable here. I just can’t seem to control myself whenever I’m around JJ or when I look into her eyes. It’s like all of my logic and rational thinking gets sucked into those beautiful blue orbs and I’m helpless to stop it. 

I’m finally able to pull back from our heated kiss, and I look into JJ’s eyes once again, noticing they are filled with desire. I know if we keep this up…this flirtatious little game we started to play…our conversation will never get finished. While my hormones are screaming at me to keep going, my mind is telling me to stop and finish our conversation. In my heart, I know that I love JJ, but my mind keeps reminding me that I have too many secrets. Once JJ finds out about them…she’ll run away from me again…for good this time. Besides…if things keep going, I’d have to show her all of my new wounds and old scars. Not only would have killed the mood, but it would completely derail the conversation we were having before. I have to stop things now…and put a little distance between us. I have to step back from the situation a little bit…before things go too far…and I’m not able to stop myself from getting lost in the moment. 

“I’m sorry JJ. I can’t do this right now.” I gently push JJ back, standing up from the couch to walk over to the large picture window overlooking the city. Staring at the lights on the city beneath me, I wonder if anyone going about their evening is having as much trouble focusing their thoughts as I am. I try to focus on the Washington Monument, as if by finding something to focus on out there will help me to focus the thoughts inside of me. 

I’m still staring out the window, but I feel JJ walk up behind me. “I’m sorry Em. I didn’t mean to rush you. This isn’t like all of the times before…when I came over…wanting to be with you, only to leave once you were asleep. I know you have no reason to trust me. I’m just hoping you will…just one more time. But I don’t want you to think I was joking either, because I meant what I said earlier. I’ll do anything you want or need me to do to prove to you that I’m not going anywhere.” 

“To be honest JJ…I don’t know what to say at this point…what to think…or even what to believe. But as for what we were talking about before…I don’t want to have to restrain you to keep you here. Whether you meant it as a joke or if you were being serious. You should want to stay here…all on your own. One of the problems is that you’re right. I don’t know if I can really trust you. I have no way of knowing if that’s really what you want…or if that’s just what you’re saying you want.” I glance up at JJ’s reflection in the window, but continue before she can interrupt. 

“And maybe that’s what you think you want…right now. But, what’s to say that something won’t change later…and then you run off then? I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to open my heart back up to you again. You broke it once before…I doubt I could survive you running away again.” I finish…whispering the last part. 

“Oh…Em. I know how badly I hurt you before…and if I could change that…I would. I just need you to trust me…one more time. I promise…I won’t let you down again. I won’t run away again. I know that I’m asking a lot from you…especially given how many times I let you down before…but things are different now. You say that you don’t think you’d survive me running away again. Well…I know I won’t survive losing you again.” JJ looks at my reflection in the window…holding my gaze. 

“When I thought you died…I realized how much I needed you in my life…and how much I loved you. I had time to reflect on all of those times I ran away from you…instead of staying here where I should have been all along…and I regretted every single one of those moments. I didn’t think I’d get the chance to have those kinds of moments with you again. When I realized you were alive…the only thought that kept running through my head was that I had a second chance to make up for all of the mistakes I had made with you. I don’t plan on making the same mistakes twice. I want to spend the rest of my life making up for all the time we lost together…both before I realized what I had to lose…and during that time I thought I had lost you forever.” JJ finished…tears brimming in the corners of her eyes. 

I turn to face JJ, reaching out to hold JJ’s hands…feeling her squeeze mine in return. “I’m sorry I put you through all of that. I had no idea what my mother had done until after I woke up in Paris…a few weeks later. By the time I realized that you all had been told I had died…it was too late to do anything about it. I know she thought she was making the best decision for everyone involved…and I suppose she probably did. She kept me safe…and she kept all of you safe as well. I just wish it hadn’t all turned out the way that it did.” I pull one hand free of JJ’s and absent-mindedly rub the brand over my chest as I finish talking. 

“All that matters to me is that you’re alive, Em. Nothing else matters.” JJ replies…looking at where I had been rubbing the brand on my chest. 

I quickly move my hand…walking over to pick up my glass of wine. I take a long, slow sip before glancing back at JJ. She moves to stand in front of me, and looks at the location where Ian left the brand on my chest, as if she knows it’s there. As far as I’m aware…the only scar JJ should know about is where Ian shoved the broken table leg through my stomach…which was bound to leave some kind of scar.

“You said a few minutes ago that things are different now…that things have changed. That’s part of the problem JJ…part of what makes this whole thing so complicated. Things are different now.” I move to sit on the couch and watch as JJ sits down right beside me. 

“I know things are different Em, but…” JJ starts, but I interrupt. I take one of JJ’s hands in mine…”Let me finish…please.”

I watch as JJ nods as her reply. 

“Even if I truly believed that you were here to stay…that you wouldn’t run away…I’m not sure it would make much difference.” I glance back up as I feel JJ’s hand start to tremble slightly. She looks as if she is going to say something…but I quickly interject. 

“I’m not the same person I was when I first started at the BAU…or even the same person I was before Ian came back…a lot of things have happened in my life…even before we met. Things just got more complicated once I started at the BAU. Even more stuff happened after we met…after I started working there. I tend to keep things to myself…not just because I don’t want you to know about it…or because I don’t think you’d understand…but because I don’t want to drag you into the middle of the mess my life has become. You said before how you thought in the beginning that you weren’t good enough for me…you were worried that I’d leave you because of it. Well…the truth is…you had it backwards. I was the one that wasn’t good enough for you…and I knew once you realized that…you’d leave me. I just figured that was why you were always running away…that part of you realized that from the beginning…even if it was on a subconscious level. That’s why I never tried to stop you…why I never said anything about it or tried to fight to get you back. I knew I wasn’t good enough for you in the first place.” I stop to take a breath…and another long sip of wine. 

I feel JJ squeeze my hand…so I glance up to meet her eyes. I see a tear roll down her cheek as she responds. “Em…your life is not a mess…no matter what’s happened in your past…and regardless of what you might be thinking…I’m not going anywhere. As for me thinking you weren’t good enough…even subconsciously…that’s absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea why you would think that…even for a second. I treated you horribly in the past, but you were always there for me…no matter what. I know there are things that you haven’t told me about. I also know that you’ll talk to me…when you’re ready. But…I need you to understand something…and it’s important. No matter what’s happened in your past…what you may have done…or what secrets you are keeping…nothing…and I mean nothing you tell me will scare me away from you. Ever.” JJ states firmly. 

“JJ…you don’t understand. There are so many things I haven’t told you…so many things I’ve kept from you…and the rest of the team. Plus…after everything that’s happened…I’m just not the same anymore.” I reply. 

“Neither am I, Em. And besides…what makes you so sure I wouldn’t understand?” JJ softly replies. 

“I’m not saying that you wouldn’t try…but…I’m…I’m broken” I whisper. 

“Em…we both are…maybe not in the same exact way, but I understand more than you realize. Besides, I can put you back together again.” JJ squeezes my hand tightly. 

“No…you can’t.” I whisper again. “Besides…you deserve so much better than someone like me.”

“Yes Em…I can…and I will. Besides…you’re the only one I want…or need. As far as you feeling broken or feeling like you aren’t the same person you once were…I feel the same way. Maybe not for the same reasons, but…I do understand feeling lost and broken. I’ve been through a lot in the last year or so too. I have a few of my own secrets. Some of them I can’t talk about right now…but I will later. Just know that I probably understand what you’re going through better than you think I would. I know all about going through stuff and then having to keep it from everyone else.” JJ responds. 

Secrets? What kind of secrets? I thought the thing with Will was the only thing she was keeping from me. What else has she kept from me? Not that I have any room to talk given everything that I’m keeping from her…but still. What else could she be hiding from me?


	17. Time Will Tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it’s positive!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

“We sleep, but the loom of life never stops, and the pattern which was weaving when the sun went down is weaving when it comes up in the morning.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher  
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Chapter 17

“What do you mean? What secrets are you talking about? What happened to you?” I gently inquire.

“Let me ask you a question first, Em.” JJ replies. 

I nod in response. 

“Do you think I’m pretty?” JJ asks. 

“What? Why would you ask me that?” I reply. 

“Just answer the question, Em…please.” JJ replies. 

“Of course you are…you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. Now will you tell me why you asked me a question like that?” I reply. 

“Would you still think I was pretty…if…if I had scars?” JJ asks meekly.

Oh God…I don’t think I like where this conversation is going. Either my “lake injury” story wasn’t good enough and she figured out what I’ve been doing…or something bad happened to her. I hate the thought of her being hurt…but I don’t want her to know about me either…damn it…now what am I going to say?

“What do you mean…if you had scars?” I inquire.

“I mean…if I had scars, would you still think I was pretty…or to use your words…the most beautiful woman you’d ever met?” JJ replies. 

“Of course I would. You’re beautiful because of what’s on the inside just as much…if not more…than what’s on the outside. Why are you asking me these questions?” I ask again. 

Why do I feel like I’m being set up?

“For a couple of reasons. The first one is because one of the secrets I kept from you was that I was in an explosion while you were in Paris…and it left me with several scars.” 

“An explosion! What? Where did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me? Were you seriously hurt? You seem okay now…did you end up with any permanent medical issues?” I fire off in rapid succession. 

Oh God…she was hurt…why the Hell didn’t she tell me? I was so wrapped up in my own stuff she probably didn’t think she could. Damn it. I should’ve been there for her. How stupid could I have been? Not everything is about me after all. 

“It’s a long story…and I’ll tell you all about it later. The short version is that I was hurt in an explosion while you were in Paris. I didn’t tell you about it because we really haven’t had much time to talk since you’ve been back. For the most part, I am fine now. I do have a few medical issues that I still have to deal with, but it’s nothing major. I promise I’ll explain it all later, but that wasn’t why I brought it up. I brought it up for a specific reason, Em.” JJ explains. 

“But you’re okay now? You said you’ve got scars from the explosion. You look the same to me.” I inquire. 

“The scars are in places that aren’t easily seen. I don’t intentionally hide them, but I don’t intentionally show them off either.” JJ replies. 

JJ sees that I’m going to interrupt, but keeps going. “Let me finish, Em…please.” 

I nod…allowing her to continue. 

“You asked why I had started asking you those questions in the first place…the first was because I wanted you to understand that I know what it’s like to hide secrets…and scars…from people around you. The second reason…it goes back to what you were saying earlier about not being the same…about being broken. I know that you’ve been hurting yourself…and that’s left you with some of your own scars that you’re afraid I’ll see…” 

Panic starts to rise up in my chest…God…those questions she asked were about me too. Now what am I going to do? I knew it…that stupid cover story I came up with about getting hurt in the lake wasn’t good enough…she saw through it. Damn it! She’ll probably tell Hotch…and then he’ll want a Psych Eval…or he’ll fire me since I’m obviously unstable…just great! 

JJ gently squeezes my hand to bring me out of my panic….”Em…don’t panic…please…I didn’t say that to scare you. I wanted you to realize that you’re not alone…that you don’t have to hide that secret from me or make up some story to cover up what’s going on. I want to help you if I can…and you’re not going to scare me away because of it or your scars. I recognized the signs a long time ago…but didn’t want to say anything before…I was worried I was wrong. But today…on the plane…something clicked and I realized everything was pointing to you hurting yourself. My sister used to do the same thing. I can’t say I completely understand it…or that I didn’t wish you would find a better way to handle your emotional pain. I just want to help you…with that and everything else. Just please don’t shut me out….Please.”

I briefly consider denying it…but I realize now that it’s pointless. JJ’s figured it out. As long as she doesn’t say anything to anyone else…I guess I can deal with that, for now. But if she does try to bring it up to someone else, I’ll have to figure out some way to deal with it…probably another lie or cover story. I’ll just have to come up with one that is better than the “lake injury” one that I used with her…since that one obviously wasn’t good enough. 

As my panic starts to settle…slightly…and I try to focus on what JJ is saying…”So you aren’t going to say anything to Hotch…or anyone else?” I timidly ask. 

I watch as JJ moves to the floor directly in front of me, taking both of my hands in hers. Facing me, she firmly, but softly responds to my timid question. “That was the other reason I asked you all of those questions. I wanted you to realize that we both have secrets and scars that we’re afraid to share with each other…things we’ve kept from one another. I know I didn’t handle things the right way in the past, but I’m determined to make things right with you now and in the future. Just like you told me earlier…I think you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met…not just because of what’s on the outside…but because of what’s on the inside. Nothing you could say to me…no secret you are keeping…will ever make me change my mind. You could be a serial killer for all I care. As much as I love you…at this point…I’d just help you hide the bodies and evade the police.” JJ offers a crooked smile. 

“I don’t know JJ…I love you…but…” I start to reply. 

“No buts…what do we have to lose? You think you’re broken…I know part of me is too. I know if we work together…in time…we can put all of the pieces back together. You just have to give me a chance. I know that I can’t go another day without having you in my life…in my arms. You’re already in my heart.” JJ quietly says. 

“You’re already in my heart too.” I quietly acknowledge. “You never left. I just don’t know where we go from here…what we do now. I have so many things you still don’t know about…that I’m not sure I can talk about right now…or find the words to explain.”

“I know you’ll tell me about all of those things when you’re ready. You’ll show me all of your scars…the ones on the inside…and on the outside…when you’re ready…just like I will with you. In the meantime…why don’t we start with this. ” JJ says softly as she leans in and softly presses her lips against mine. I feel myself responding to her instantly. The kiss is soft, warm, and tender. It’s more than just a simple kiss…it’s a promise by both of us to one another…to try and forge ahead with a relationship we’d both thought would never happen. 

I watch as JJ stands, taking both of my hands in hers, and leads me towards the staircase. “It’s getting late. Why don’t we continue this conversation in the morning?” JJ says. 

I glance down at my watch, realizing it is well past midnight. “You’re right. I had no idea how late it was.” I respond. 

I watch as JJ walks over to the front door, picking up her go-bag from near the front entrance. 

I hadn’t noticed she had brought it inside, but I guess it worked out for the best that she decided to bring it inside with her. 

We make our way up the stairs and reach the door leading to my bedroom. “Did you want me to stay in the guest room, or here with you?” JJ softly asks.

“Honestly…I’m not sure JJ.” I answer. 

“Why don’t I go change in the guest room while you get ready in here. Then I can just come back here and we can just get some sleep. Would that be okay?” JJ softly asks.

“Yeah…I guess that’s okay.” I reply as I watch JJ retreat to the guest bedroom.

I make my way into my own bedroom, quickly grabbing some clothes to sleep in and head to the master bathroom. I change the bandages once more, finish my nightly routine, and change into my dark grey sweatpants and a loose-fitting, light grey, long-sleeve t-shirt. 

I know JJ said she knew I was self-injuring and that she was okay with my scars…but saying it and seeing it are two completely different things. I hear the bedroom door open and the light on the nightstand click on. I make my way back into my bedroom and see JJ seated on the edge of the bed. She’s wearing black sweatpants and a white t-shirt, and she looks even more beautiful than she did earlier. 

If you would have told me this morning that I would be standing here…in my own bedroom…looking at JJ sitting in my bed…and that I would be happy…and nervous about it…I would’ve said you were crazy. I just hope I’m not making a mistake…that I won’t wake up in the morning and find cold sheets and an empty condo again. Nervously… I make my way to the bed. She scoots further into the bed, pulling the covers back for me. I sit on the edge of the bed, scooting back in next to her. 

“I want to do this right, Em.” JJ says, as she takes my hand in hers. “I know you’re wondering if you can trust this…trust me. But I promise I’ll still be here in the morning. We don’t need to rush anything. I just want to be near you…maybe hold you tonight…if that’s okay?” 

I look over, locking eyes with her. I used to be harder to read…guess I either need to learn to school my features a little better…or JJ has knocked down some of my walls again. That or I’m not as hard to read as I thought I was. Whatever the case may be…she knew exactly what I was thinking…which scares the hell out of me. Afraid she’ll be able to read even more of my thoughts, I simply nod in response. 

I watch as JJ leans over, softly pressing her lips to mine once again, before sliding down into the bed…holding the blankets up for me to be able to slide down beside her. I easily slide down next to her and feel her arms wrap around me tightly. I feel her nestle her face into the back of my neck as her arms squeeze my waist. She presses another soft kiss to the back of my head before whispering “Good night, Em…I love you…see you in the morning.”

“Good night JJ” I reply and squeeze her arms that are wrapped around my waist in response. 

I guess I’ll have to wait and see if I really will see her in the morning. Only time will tell.


	18. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the kudos and reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…kudos, reviews, and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they are positive!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Of all the things you choose in life, you don't get to choose what your nightmares are. You don't pick them; they pick you.” ~ John Irving

“The shock of any trauma, I think changes your life. It's more acute in the beginning and after a little time you settle back to what you were. However it leaves an indelible mark on your psyche.” ~ Alex Lifeson  
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Chapter 18

I’m momentarily disoriented as I rub my sleepy eyes and try to open them. What just woke me up? It doesn’t seem to be my cell phone…unless it stopped ringing. I finally open my eyes to a mostly darkened room and look around for the cause of my disrupted sleep. 

I smile as I realize I’m not home, or in yet another random hotel room on a case, but still asleep next to Emily. I turn to look at her and she seems to still be asleep, so whatever woke me must not have been too loud. 

I glance over her shoulder and look at the clock…bright red numbers informing me the time is close to 5:00am. I wonder again what could’ve caused me to wake up as the last remnants of sleep leave me. 

Then I remember that Emily woke me several times previously during the night…she had been making noises or struggling…seemingly caught in some kind of a nightmare before…and that seems to be the case again. I hear her whimper softly and see her twitch and realize that was what woke me from my restless sleep. 

At some point during the night she turned over, and she’s facing me now. I lightly brush the hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear as I place a gentle kiss against her forehead and pull her closer to me…rubbing her arm…whispering to her that she’s okay…that she’s safe and no one is going to hurt her. She seems to calm down somewhat but she continues to softly whimper. 

She pulls me closer to her…with her arms wrapped tightly around my waist. She presses her face right above my chest…her ear right over my heart. Maybe listening to the sound of my heartbeat will lull her back to sleep.

I gently stroke her hair and continue to whisper to her that she’s safe and that no one is going to hurt her and she calms down further…only whimpering slightly every so often. 

I think back to the earlier nightmares and wonder…was that why she never slept in front of me, on those rare times that we shared a room, when we were away on a case? Was she afraid I’d see her having a nightmare…or does she even realize she has them? 

In either case…if she has them very often, it would explain why she seems so tired all of the time. She’s had several tonight and she can’t be resting very well if she’s constantly fighting some unseen monster in her sleep all the time. 

We all get nightmares from time to time…it’s just part of the job I suppose. If you deal with the worst part of society…some of that is bound to seep into your dreams and haunt you while you sleep. Emily has held me a few times and helped me fight off some of my own nightmares. Some were related to cases we were on…some weren’t. She never let me do that for her. 

I was never sure if that was because she was afraid of being seen as weak to me…or if it really was what she always told me…that she just wanted me to be able to get enough rest. 

In those first few years, I wouldn’t have been much support for her anyway, and she probably knew that. Looking back on it…she must’ve been worried about appearing weak…she always tried to be strong for everyone else. I guess it’s not a surprise she’d do the same thing when she was asleep too. Besides, everyone knew that once I fell asleep, it was nearly impossible to wake me, so I wouldn’t have been much help to her. 

I used to be able to sleep through just about anything. Hotch used to joke that he had to call at least three times before I’d answer him…and that was with my ringer on as loud as possible. He just got used to hanging up and calling right back again several times…knowing I wouldn’t answer until he called over and over again. Then, once when I finally did answer…I’d still be half-asleep. 

That all changed when I had Henry. I guess my mothering instinct really did kick in because the slightest sound would wake me. I was always on high alert for any noise and would wake up immediately to rush in and make sure he was okay. Since he was born, I doubt I’ve had more than a handful of nights where I slept more than 4 or 5 hours…unless I was away on a case and we actually managed to get back to the hotel early. I’ve learned to get by with limited or disrupted sleep. I just never imagined that my new found skill of hearing every little sound…or southing someone back to sleep…would apply to Emily. 

I’ll do whatever it takes to help her…I’m just glad I didn’t sleep through her nightmares like I’m sure I would’ve done before I had Henry. It breaks my heart to see her struggling. I just hope me being here provides her some comfort…and when she realizes that I’m still here when she wakes up…that I didn’t run off in the middle of the night…like I did so many times in the past…she’ll see I’m really not going to run away this time. 

The first time she woke me with a nightmare she really startled me…she was mumbling and fighting against someone and it took me a while to calm her down. The next few times she wasn’t as bad…but in each case…she seemed to be fighting someone…or some thing. I heard her say a few names a couple of times…or a few words. In those cases…I knew or could assume what she was dreaming about…and it broke my heart. 

I heard her mention Cyrus…and she kept crying and pleading with him to stop. She never told any of us what really happened to her in that compound when the radio didn’t pick up any sound…but hearing her tonight confirmed my worst fears. Now I just have to figure out a way to get her to open up to me when she’s awake…maybe then she won’t have to fight him in her nightmares. 

The next time she mentioned her friend from that case we had a while back…Matthew. That time she kept saying she was sorry. She couldn’t have prevented Matthew’s death…so I have no idea what she thought she needed to apologize for…but something about Matthew or that case still troubles her. 

Another time she mentioned Ian and Declan…but she also mentioned two other names I had never heard her say before...Logan and Kasey. I assume they were part of her undercover assignment. In that dream…she kept fighting Ian and seemed to be trying to protect the others. I knew Ian and the fallout from that would probably still haunt her…it still haunts me and I didn’t have to face him. I just had to deal with thinking Emily was killed and hearing her plead with Morgan to let her die. I know that I wake myself up with nightmares about that or that Emily really did die that night. I can only imagine the kind of nightmares she probably has about Ian.

The one that confused me was when she mentioned something about someone named Lucas…and then she said something about Summer…though I’m not sure if she was talking about the time of year…or if that was a person. That time…just like with Cyrus…she was pleading with him to stop. The difference was she seemed more scared. It took me a long time to calm her down from that nightmare. 

I’m just so grateful she gave me another chance to prove to her that I won’t run away. I just hope now she’ll let some of her walls down and let me help her fight whatever inner demons she’s trying to fight in her sleep. 

I hear her mumble again and glance down to look at her. I wish she could’ve had a restful night sleep. I look over at the clock again and it is just barely 5:30. I gently run my fingers through her hair as she continues to softly mumble into my chest. I can only just make out some of what she’s saying. 

“Too many secrets.” She could be talking about either one of us with that comment. 

“Can’t let her see my scars.” Oh sweetheart…You’re worried about me seeing your scars. Maybe if I show you mine first you’ll believe me when I tell you that they really don’t matter. All that I care about is you. 

“Ugly…disgusting.” Oh sweetie…you’re not ugly or disgusting…How could you ever think that? You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. You literally take my breath away every time I look at you. 

“Just run away again.” I know it’s going to take time for you to trust me…but I’ll find a way to prove to you that I’m not going anywhere. 

“Could never love me.” Oh God Em…how could you possibly think that? I already do love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I can’t imagine my life without you…I wouldn’t even want to try. 

I swipe at the tears that are flowing down my cheeks. I’ll find a way to fix this Em…fix us. I promise.

“Hate myself…wish I was dead.” I gasp at hearing this. Oh My God…She can’t possibly mean that! I can’t lose her. I won’t let her give up on herself…or us…not now. 

My gasp wakes Emily from her restless sleep and she looks up at me with sleep-filled eyes. “You’re still here?” The vulnerability in her voice is truly heartbreaking. She really did think I’d run off while she was asleep again. 

I pull her close to me in an effort to hide my tears and surprise at her last sleep induced comments. How could she hate herself? And even worse…did she really mean it when she said she wishes she were dead? 

I swipe at my tears again as I reply “of course I am beautiful. Where else would I be?”

She looks up at me again and realizes I’ve been crying “JJ! What’s wrong? Why are you crying? What happened?”

“Nothing, sweetheart. They’re happy tears.” 

Emily sits up, switching on the bedside lamp, and turns back to me. “Those are not ‘happy tears’. Please tell me what’s wrong. If you’re having second thoughts about staying or something…just tell me now.” Emily finishes as she looks down at her hands that are folded in her lap. 

I immediately grasp her hands and pull them to my chest. “I’m not having second thoughts about you or staying here. I’m so grateful that you gave me the chance to prove to you I wouldn’t run away again. I loved waking up next to you…I just wish I would’ve done it years ago. I just realized how much time we’ve missed because of my stupid insecurities.” 

I lock eyes with her and ghost my hand down her cheek. “I love you Em…nothing will ever change that. I’ll always want to wake up next to you.” 

“If that’s true…then why were you crying?” Emily questions. 

If I tell her she was talking in her sleep or what she said exactly…she might put up more walls and shut me out…but if I don’t say something…she’ll think I’m hiding something from her. “It’s just…well…you were talking a little bit in your sleep. Something you said surprised me…that’s all.” 

I watch as Emily’s face reddens as she replies “what did I say?” 

“Does it matter? We all say crazy things while we’re asleep. Henry dreamed he was a flying elephant the other night.” I try and deflect. 

“JJ.” Emily replies with a slightly warning tone. “What did I say that made you cry?” 

“I’ll tell you Em…but…but only if you promise to answer a couple of questions for me when I do. Okay?”

“If I can.”

“Okay…well…first…you said you didn’t think I could ever love you. Do you really believe that?” I quietly ask. 

“Uhhhmm…honestly. I’m not sure, JJ.” Emily replies as she looks away again. 

I tilt her head towards me with my hand so she is looking directly at me when I respond “I know it’s going to take some time for you to trust me…trust this. But I hope you know that I already do love you. I’ve loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you and that’s never changed. I may not have handled it the best in the past…but just like I told you last night…I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I AM NOT going ANYWHERE. EVER. Nothing you could ever say or do will change that or make me love you less.” 

I lean in and gently press my lips to hers…trying to convey just how much I love her. I pull back and lock eyes with her, still grazing her cheek with my fingertips. “No scars…no secrets…nothing…will change how I feel about you or how I see you. You’re beautiful and amazing and I don’t know what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as you in my life…but I’m not about to question it now.” 

“All of that sounds great…and even after everything you said last night, I’ll admit…I was still a little surprised you were still here this morning. Not that I wasn’t happy about it…I guess it’ll just take some time for me to trust you when you tell me all of those things. I’ve wanted to hear them for so long…but I can’t help but wonder when the other shoe’s going to drop…or when you’re going to change your mind. Besides, I get the feeling that you are saying at least part of that to soften the blow for whatever else it was I said while I was asleep….right?” 

“I meant every word of it Em…and I’m not going to change my mind. You’re the only one I want or need and I’ll keep telling you all of those things forever because they’re true…and one day you’ll believe me.” 

“But there’s more…isn’t there?”

“Uhhh…yeah, there’s something else. But when I tell you what it is…I need you to be honest with me and tell me if you really meant it. You won’t scare me away even if you did…I just want to be here to help…but you have to be honest with me…okay?” 

“What did I say, JJ?”

“You said that you hated yourself…and that you wished you were dead.” I finished the last few words on a whisper. “Do you really feel that way Em? Do you really hate yourself…or wish that…that…you…you were…” tears start to form in my eyes again and I’m unable to finish. 

I look up in time to see Emily look away from me. “Em? Please…just tell me.”

God…please…tell me she didn’t mean it…”Em? Please….talk to me.”


	19. Scars Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it’s positive!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

“We sleep, but the loom of life never stops, and the pattern which was weaving when the sun went down is weaving when it comes up in the morning.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher  
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Chapter 19

I watch as Emily throws the covers off of the bed and swings her legs over the side, as she sits on the edge of the bed…facing away from me. Her head is in her hands as she takes a deep breath. I quickly make my way out of the bed and make my way to the floor directly in front of her…propping myself up on my knees with my hands on her arms. “Talk to me, Em.”

“What do you want me to say, JJ?” Emily sighs in defeat. 

“The truth, Em.” 

“I told you the truth last night…I’m broken. So…yeah…I do hate myself most of the time…I can’t stand to even look at myself in the mirror. Why would I make someone else look at me? You’re stunning…incredible…and you deserve so much more than a shell of a person. That’s all I am now. How could I think you would ever love me? Ever want to look at me or be with me? I destroy everything I touch. I don’t want to hurt you too. Giving up and letting you move on with your life…with someone else…well…that just seems like a better option. Everyone would be better off without me.” 

“Please don’t say that. No one would be better off without you. You’re not just a shell of a person, Em. I know you feel broken, but that’s just the pain your feeling that’s blocking out the good things our future can and will be. I promise you…I will find a way to help you. You just have to let me inside…let down some of those walls you keep putting up inside yourself. I know you do it to keep yourself from getting hurt…but you’re keeping all of that pain locked inside too. If you let those walls down…you’ll let that pain out and let me in. I can help you find your way out from all of that pain…I promise.” I scoot closer to her and pull her into a hug…slowly stroking her back. 

“As for you thinking I would never be able to love you or look at you. I already told you…I already do love you…with all of my heart…I could never stop loving you…you’re the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. And you may not be able to see it…but everyone else can…you are stunning…inside and out. You may have a few scars…everyone does. I don’t care about them any more than you care about my scars. And the only way you could ever hurt me is if you gave up on yourself…on me…or on our future now. I would be lost without you.” I pull back to look into her dark, sad eyes. 

She looks up at me…doubt crossing her eyes “I’m not sure what you want me to say, JJ” she quietly replies. 

“I know that you’re scared that your secrets and scars will scare me away…but they won’t.” 

I watch as a tear rolls down her cheek. I gently brush it away with my thumb as I try to get her to look back at me. 

She needs to see that I won’t run away from her when I see her scars. Once she does…maybe we can move past all of the doubt and fear she has…at least about this. I didn’t want to push her…or show her my scars yet…but maybe if she sees mine…she’ll see that I understand at least part of what she’s going through and will let down some of her walls for me. 

I stand, still holding her hands in mine, as I ask “will you help me…so that I can help you?”

She looks up…confusion clouding her eyes “what do you mean?”

“Come with me…please.” I ask…as I pull her to her feet and walk towards the master bathroom. 

“What’s going on…why are you taking me to my bathroom?” she replies…stopping short of entering the room. 

“There’s something I want to show you Em…please…just come inside.”

She finally relents and makes her way inside the large master bath…still hovering close to the door. “What did you want to show me…inside my own bathroom?”

I reach over and take her hand…pulling her closer to me…and further into the bathroom. “I know that you are scared about how I’m going to react to seeing your scars…” I feel her start to pull away from me so I quickly add “wait Em…please…let me finish.”

She stops…and nods nervously. 

“I thought if I showed you my scars…maybe you wouldn’t be as scared about your own. I hadn’t planned to show you them right now…and honestly I was a little worried about how you’d react when you saw them…just like you were scared to see my reaction to yours…but I trust you. I trust you won’t run away from me or think I’m ugly or think less of me because of them. You won’t feel that way…will you?” I nervously ask. 

“No, JJ. Of course not! I would never think you’re ugly or think less of you. But why are you doing this now?”

“I’m hoping that once you see them…you’ll realize that I understand what you’re going through…at least a little bit. No one has seen my scars either…except for the doctors. You’re the first person that I trust enough to share this with. I’m hoping that after you see mine…you’ll feel safe enough to share yours with me. I trust you enough to share this with you…that you won’t run from me. I just hope you’ll be able to trust me enough to know that I’ll feel the same way…that I could never think less of you because of your scars either.” I quietly respond. 

“I’m not sure about this, JJ.” Emily whispers. 

“I am. You need to see for yourself that I won’t run away from you…and that seeing your scars won’t change how I see you…and I need to know that you won’t think less of me because of my scars. We need to be able to trust each other with this.” I quietly reply as I turn around with my back to her. 

God…I hope I’m making the right decision…please let this be the right thing to do! We both need to get past this…I just hope I’m not pushing her too far too fast! And hopefully she won’t ask too many questions about my scars…she knows about the explosion. Hopefully she’ll think all of them are from that or I can deflect if she asks too many questions. I really don’t want to get into how I got the rest of my scars…neither one of us is ready for that conversation. 

I take in a shaky breath as I slowly pull my shirt off and then step out of my sweats. 

I hear a small gasp and know that Emily has noticed the scars on my back. I had turned my back to her first as the scars were less severe on my back…and to give her time to adjust to what she would see before I made eye contact with her. If she reacted badly…I’m not sure I would’ve been able to handle that. I hear her softly say “oh…JJ….sweetheart.” I feel her softly run her fingertips over some of the worst of the scars before I slowly turn to face her. 

With tears running down her cheeks, she gently runs her fingertips over the worst of my scars that dot my chest, stomach, upper arms, and upper legs. She leans over and brushes her lips against one particularly bad scar over my chest and repeats the same action on another scar that dots my stomach before rising back up to make eye contact with me. “Sweetheart…were these all from that explosion you were telling me about?”

“Most of them” I quietly reply

“What do you mean…most of them? You didn’t have them before…what else happened?” Emily replies, concern lacing her voice. 

“It’s a long…complicated story. I’ll explain it all later.” I deflect. Hopefully she won’t keep asking. Most were from the explosion…but I really don’t want to explain where the rest came from…not right now. Right now…I’m more concerned with the issues Emily is dealing with and helping her. 

“Oh JJ…I wish I could’ve been there to help you…with the explosion…and whatever else happened. Or stop you from being hurt in the first place.”

“So…you don’t think these make me ugly? You don’t think less of me?” I nervously ask.

“No! Of course not! You’re beautiful. These are just part of who you are.” She replies…ghosting her fingertips over more of my scars, before leaning over to gently place a kiss on my lips. 

Leaning back…she looks at me and asks “You’re sure you’re okay now though? No lasting medical problems? From any of your injuries?”

“A couple…but nothing serious. We can talk about all of that later. As long as you’re sure that you don’t think less of me…that you’d still want to be with someone who looks like me”

“Anyone would be lucky to have you JJ.” Emily softly replies as her fingertips continue to ghost over my nearly naked form, sending a slight shiver down my entire body. 

“Well…I don’t want just anyone Em…I only want you.” I reply…taking her hands in mine. 

“Will you please share your scars with me now? I know you’re probably still scared…but I promise…I won’t run away. Plus, I know you need to change the bandages on your arm and now you know that I have scars too. Please.“


	20. Scars Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if it’s positive!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
“I feel bare. I didn't realize I wore my secrets as armor until they were gone and now everyone sees me as I really am.” ~ Veronica Roth

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton  
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Chapter 20

“I don’t know, JJ.” Emily nervously replies. 

“Please Em…I trusted you with my scars…please trust me with yours. I won’t let you down. I promise.” I squeeze her hands to give her extra reassurance before I see her nod slightly. 

“Okay…I guess. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Emily whispers sadly as she mimics my movements and turns to face away from me. I watch as she slowly removes her shirt and then steps out of her sweats, leaving only her bra and underwear on. 

I control the gasp that threatens to escape my lips as I let my eyes roam over her neck, back, and backs of her legs. 

She has numerous scars…none of which she could have caused herself. I wonder where they all came from? Some may have come from a surgery of some kind…but others…I shudder to think of what she must’ve endured to end up with those. 

I hear her softly sob as I whisper to her “Oh sweetheart…it’s ok…everything is going to be ok…I promise.” I slowly graze my fingertips over some of the larger scars and I feel her shiver under my soft touch. I lean in and softly press my lips against some of the larger scars, just as she had done for me, and her sobs slowly subside. 

I watch as she slowly turns to face me and I realize that she is using one of her arms in an attempt to cover her where she injured herself as well as right above her heart, while the other is covering a large section of her stomach. I quickly stifle the gasp that again threatens to escape from my lips. 

The first thing that I notice is that despite her attempt, I can still make out the bright red bandage on her upper arm. I knew that she didn’t injure her arm in the lake…but judging by how it looks…I wonder if she needs stitches for whatever damage she did to herself. I doubt she’ll go to the hospital…but she definitely needs to treat whatever damage was done. 

The next thing I notice is the sheer number of other scars that dot the part of her body that she’s unable to shield from my view. Some of those scars were probably from a surgery or work-related injury…but most were either self-inflicted…or like those on her back…caused by someone else. I hate to think of who may have caused them…or what she went through getting them. 

I notice she’s looking away from me…afraid to make eye contact with me. I see the tears still quietly streaming down her face, even though the sobbing from moments ago has quieted down. She still thinks I’m going to run away from her. 

“Oh Em…baby…it’s okay…I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” I softly say as I reach for the hand that is covering her stomach. I assume it’s covering the scar from where the table leg went through her during her fight with Ian…and as I pull her hand away, I realize I’m right. It’s a bad scar…but one that proves she survived a fight with a monster. I will forever be grateful for that particular scar. I lean over and after gently running my fingertips across it, place a soft kiss over it. 

I rise back up and reach for her other hand…and notice that hand is trembling. “It’s okay sweetheart…I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.” I softly whisper as I pull the hand away from her chest. 

This time…I’m unable to contain a soft gasp as I realize what she was hiding. A brand of a four-leaf clover...”Oh baby…it’s okay.” I say as I hear her reply with another sob “a present from Ian.” 

“Some day…whenever you’re ready…we can look into getting it removed or you could get a tattoo to cover it…if you want. I’ll even let you pick out one for me at the same time…whatever you want.” I lean over…ghosting my fingertips over the brand before leaning in to place a soft kiss over the top of it too.

I continue to trace my fingertips over some of the more prominent scars on her body…placing soft, loving kisses along the same path as my fingertips, to show her that they don’t scare me away. Its’ not until Emily reaches up and brushes the tears from my cheeks that I realize that I’d been crying. I was so worried she would push me away that when she finally let down her walls and finally let me in…showed me her scars…the damn inside of me broke as well. I simply couldn’t contain the tears I’d been holding back. I noticed that most of her scars were faded…though a couple of them appeared to be more recent…including the bright red bandage over her upper arm. I just hope she can open up to me and share whatever is causing her such internal pain that she feels the need to do something like this to herself. I want…need to help her so badly. I just hope she lets me. 

I do notice a couple of scars that concern me…ones that are near her wrists…but I’ll wait to talk to her about those later. For right now…I just need her to know that I’m not running away from her...not now…not ever. 

“How can you not be disgusted by what you’re seeing?” Emily quietly asks. 

“You said you didn’t feel disgusted looking at me, right?” I ask

“Yeah.”

“I feel exactly the same way about you, Em. We both have scars sweetheart. When I look at you…all I see is the stunningly beautiful woman I fell in love with all those years ago. Nothing’s changed. We both may look a little different on the outside…that happens with time. And one day…hopefully a very long time from now…we’ll both be old and gray and wrinkled…and I’ll still think you’re stunningly beautiful…and hopefully you’ll still think that I am too.”

“You’ll always be beautiful to me.” Emily quietly states. 

“And I feel the same way about you too sweetheart.” I reply as I lean in and press a soft, gentle kiss on her lips and feel her respond just as gently. 

I pull back and notice the bandage on her arm has gotten redder. It definitely needs to be changed soon. 

“Em…honey…where’s your first aid kit? We need to get the bandage on your arm changed.”

I see her nod towards the cabinet. I grab the first aid kit and set it on the counter as I reach for her bandage. 

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about doing that. I can take care of it later.” I hear her say. 

“I want to help, Em. Besides, you should get it changed now…before you get dressed. We have a few places to go today…the grocery store and maybe out for breakfast before that, if you’re feeling up to it…since you don’t seem to have any food in your house. Hopefully you at least have some coffee.” I offer a quick smile, trying to ease some of the earlier tension from the room. 

“Yes…I have coffee. But I can just change it after my shower. It’ll be easier that way. Why don’t you head down to the other bathroom and get ready. I should be finished by then too. Then I can show you where the coffee is downstairs if you can’t find it.” Emily responds…trying to deflect the conversation away from her injured arm. 

“That’s fine…I can run down to the other bathroom and take my shower there. Just hold off on bandaging your arm until I get back. I shouldn’t be long and I really do want to help you with it. Please. Then you can finish getting ready while I fix us some coffee.” 

“Fine…if you insist and are back here when I get out of the shower.” Emily replies.

“I do insist…because I want to help. And I’ll be back before you know it.” I respond before quickly grabbing a towel from the cabinet and making my way down to the guest bathroom. 

I finish my normal morning routine, brush my teeth, and shower in record time before quickly throwing some clothes on for the day. I make my way back down to Emily’s room and hear the shower still running. I knock on the bathroom door and only hearing a muffled reply through the running water, I open the door just enough to tell Emily that I’ll be ready whenever she is and that I’m going to head downstairs to start the coffee. She mumbles through the water that she’ll be out in a minute. 

I run downstairs and quickly find the coffee and start the coffee maker up so it will be ready when we come back downstairs. I hear Emily’s phone ringing and realize that we had both left our phones downstairs the night before. I make my way to her phone just as it stops ringing and realize she has missed a couple of phone calls during the night. They were all from an “SP” at a number that I don’t recognize. Maybe they were really poorly timed sales calls. I glance over at my phone. No missed calls. Good. I put my phone in my pocket before making my way back upstairs. I’ll just leave Emily’s phone down here and let her know she missed some calls when we get back down here in a few minutes. 

I walk back into Emily’s bedroom and up to the bathroom door just in time to hear the water shut off. I ask Emily if it’s okay to come inside. I hear some muffled sounds for a few seconds before I hear her reply “yeah…come on in.”

I see her wrapped in a towel with her eyes cast down towards the floor. I walk over towards her and tilt her chin up to me so she’s making eye contact. “Even more beautiful than you were 20 minutes ago.” I smile as I lean in…placing a soft, loving kiss on her lips. 

“Did you find the wine instead of the coffee?” I hear her quietly retort. 

“No…smartass. But I did find the coffee and started it so it should be ready when we get downstairs.” I reply with a smirk.

“You can wait downstairs…or in the other room. You really don’t have to help me with this.” Emily says as she waves towards the first aid kit. 

“I know…but I want to” I reply as I reach for the bandages. I’m momentarily startled by her injuries. The bandage had covered them and what was lying beneath had been much worse than I had initially thought it would be. 

“You really should have stitches in this…but I’m sure you won’t agree to that, will you?”

“No hospitals.” Emily quickly replies. 

“That’s what I figured you’d say.” I respond “So…let’s see what we have in this kit of yours.” I continue as I look through the kit. 

I quickly find the supplies I need and re-bandage her arm. “We’ll probably need to change that later.” I state as I put away the supplies. “And we may need to pick up a few supplies while we’re at the store too.” 

“Why do you seem like you’re okay with all of this? Like it’s just another day at the office or something?” Emily inquires. 

“It’s not that I’m exactly okay with it, Em. I wish you weren’t hurting yourself and could find another way to deal with whatever it is that is causing you all the pain that you are obviously in. But you’re not going to scare me away because of it either. I told you before…and I’ll keep telling you for as long as you need me to…I’m not going anywhere…I’m in this for the long haul. Nothing you say or do will cause me to run away from you again…ever. I love you…and I’m determined to help you fight whatever you’re facing…whether that’s a real life bad guy…or some inner demon. You said you thought you were broken…but I will put you back together again…no matter how long it takes.” 

“That’ll take forever.” Emily whispers sadly. 

“Even if it does take a long time, Em. I’ll still be here. Forever and always sweetheart. Now why don’t you finish getting ready and come downstairs. I’ll get your coffee ready and we can figure out where we want to go for breakfast and what we need to get from the store while we’re out.” I smile as I lean in and place another soft kiss on her lips…lingering for just a moment before I pull away. 

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” Emily quietly asks. 

“I should be asking you that! You’re the woman of my dreams… you have been since the first moment we met! You make me feel safe…loved…wanted…appreciated…not to mention you are insanely gorgeous…then and now! I could have never hoped or dreamed you really want to be with me in a real relationship. Then when you did…it scared me because I didn’t think I deserved someone as good as you. You’re my everything Emily…never doubt that! Besides…after everything I put you through…everything that you had to put up with from me? All of those times I ran off…all of that time I wasted because I was an insecure coward that took the easy way out, instead of fighting for you like I should have…you were always supportive no matter what. And the whole time…you were just you, Em…you loved me for me. That’s all I could ever want…or need. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do for you now too…love you and support you for you…exactly what you’ve been doing for me all along and what you deserved from me this whole time!” I reply as I lean in for another soft kiss before turning to offer a quick smile as I head downstairs to pour us both some much needed coffee. 

It’s been a long morning…but I think I’ve finally made some progress. She finally opened up to me and I think I finally got through to her…at least a little bit. I just hope we can keep moving forward from here.


	21. An Unexpected Phone Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews/kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews/kudos back keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they're positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter starts the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“What you know today can affect what you do tomorrow. But what you know today cannot affect what you did yesterday.” ~ Condoleezza Rice

“There is no decision that we can make that doesn't come with some sort of balance or sacrifice.” ~ Simon Sinek  
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Chapter 21

As I finish getting ready in the bathroom and consider what to wear today, I’m struck with just how different today is starting out compared to yesterday. Yesterday morning I was in another state, in a dreary hotel room waiting to get the final piece of the puzzle to help catch yet another serial killer; one that I could unfortunately relate to better than I would care to admit to anyone else. He was seeking answers to what happened after you died, given the brief, but still bleak, glimpse of the afterlife he had previously been given. I completely understand that, given my own personal preview of the afterlife. 

I also believed, with everything in me, that I had zero chance of any kind of a relationship with JJ. Now, standing in front of the mirror, as I finish trying to get somewhat presentable to the general public, JJ has said that she wants a future with me. I really want to believe her…I truly do. Maybe it’s the cynical side of me, or just the realistic one…but I just know that somewhere out there another shoe will drop or someone is just waiting to pull that rug out from under me and steal this brief glimpse of potential happiness away from me. That’s what always happens. 

I learned a long time ago to not rely on promises of future happiness, but to try and be realistic with my expectations. It keeps me from being hurt as often…not that I’m still not hurt. I would love nothing more than to believe that JJ is all in…truly and completely invested in a relationship with me…that nothing I say or do would scare her away…but I still have too many secrets that could ruin it for us before we ever start. Being cautious and just seeing how things go from here, without getting my hopes up too much is probably for the best. 

Seeing that she reacted well to my scars was a good start…though I wish she didn’t have so many of her own. I know that was part of the reason she understood why I was so reluctant to share mine with her…but my heart breaks for her…realizing that she must’ve been through something traumatic and I wasn’t around to help her through it…even as a friend…since I was too busy dealing with the aftermath of everything with Ian. 

My secrets and the fallout from them always seems to either directly impact those I care about…or they prevent me from being able to be there for those I care about when they really need me. Yet another reason why I often believe that I’m completely useless and those around me would be better off without me in the long run. When I am actually needed…I’m not around…for whatever reason. In any case, JJ seemed to at least try to understand and she didn’t run away from me when she saw how damaged I was…at least on the outside. 

Unfortunately the damage on the inside is so much worse…and that’s why I have to be so cautious. I tried to explain to her how broken I was…though I don’t think she truly grasps how serious the damage really is…or that it will take a series of miracles and then some to get me back to a somewhat normal…functioning human being. It was sweet of her to think she can…or that she says she’s willing to try. 

My concern is that I’ll bring her down with me…or she’ll get hurt trying to save me. I won’t let that happen. If it takes me walking away from her…from this life…or from life in general to keep her safe and away from harm…then that’s what I will do. I won’t let her get hurt because of me. 

I shake my head clear of those thoughts as I make my way out of my bathroom, and start to pick out my clothes for the day, almost absent-mindedly. I realize after I’ve set everything out that I have chosen an all-black outfit; black jeans, a long-sleeved black shirt with a small V-neck pattern, and my normal black boots. Guess I’m going for the Johnny Cash look today…though it’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last. 

I tend to favor black…whether that is to hide my scars or just because it reflects my inner mood so often. Either way, it seems to suit me and I do think I look better in it…that or red. My closet is filled with both colors…the colors of death and blood. Others compliment me when I wear either of them. I almost laugh internally when they do. If they knew the reasons for those color choices they would be aghast to say the least. My dark, somewhat subconscious thoughts viewed externally…even if somewhat briefly by those closest to me, but still misinterpreted…like so much of my life. Outward appearances can be so deceiving.

I attach my extra holster with my 9mm handgun to my ankle…a precaution I started adopting once I was informed of Lucas being released. I add a small silver necklace and some silver earrings to offset the stark black outfit. I realize that I have left my other gun and badge downstairs, along with my phone…apparently. Hopefully I haven’t missed any important calls during the night. 

I reach for the tablet in the nightstand to double check the security footage quickly before heading downstairs…just to ensure that Lucas hasn’t made an appearance while I was away. I quickly glance over the footage and confirm that nothing looks out of the ordinary, though I’m sure Garcia or one of her “tech friends” would’ve told me if Lucas had shown up. I quickly put the tablet back in the nightstand and grab my black leather jacket as I make my way downstairs. 

I stop to hover at the top of the landing as I see JJ slowly making her way around my kitchen island. Even dressed casually like she is this morning…dark blue jeans and white shirt with a blue and white flannel shirt covering it…she still looks stunning. 

I realize that it feels right seeing her in my home. I wish that I could wake up holding her every morning…seeing those bright blue eyes looking back at me…but I quickly shake off that feeling. If I get too far ahead of myself now, I know I’m only setting myself up to get hurt if things go badly again. 

I make my way down the stairs quietly and walk up behind her…snaking my arms around her waist and pulling her into me…pressing a soft kiss on the side of her neck. 

“Hey…is that for me?” I softly whisper as I reach for the coffee she has set out for me. 

She turns in my arms and smiles brightly, leaning up just slightly to kiss me gently as she replies “Me or the coffee?”

“Both” I reply with a slight smirk. Flirting like this…first thing in the morning feels right…and it helps to take away some of the tension from earlier. 

I watch as she leans back slightly and her smile widens even further. I can’t help but ask “so…what’s that smile for?”

“I love it when you wear all black Em…though you do kind of remind me of Johnny Cash. All sexy…dark…mysterious” she replies with a seductive smile. 

I let out a soft chuckle as I respond “Funny enough…I was thinking the same thing a few minutes ago. The Johnny Cash part…not the rest it.”

“Well the rest definitely applies too.” She replies with a smile as she sips her coffee…a soft, low moan escaping her lips as she drinks. “Where did you find this coffee Em? It’s heavenly.”

“Uhhmmm…the store” I reply with a smirk. 

“No shit…I didn’t figure you had a coffee plantation in your closet. I meant which store?” JJ laughs as she replies. 

I laugh softly as I reply “It’s just this little specialty store I go to once in a while…it’s not too far from the grocery store and pharmacy I use. I know the owner pretty well now. We can go there if you want.” 

“Absolutely. I definitely want to pick some of this up. Maybe we can sneak it into the BAU or at least on the jet…I know the guys would definitely appreciate the upgrade.”

“Sure…shouldn’t be a problem.” I reply…noticing JJ writing down something on a list in front of her “Whatcha writing there JJ?” 

“A list of the places we need to go today and what we need to pick up at each place. I don’t want to forget anything you might need. Let’s see, we’ve got the grocery store…the pharmacy…now the coffee place you mentioned…I have some dry cleaning to pick up…I hope you don’t mind…and wherever you want to go for breakfast. Why don’t you take a look at the list and see if you want to add anything to it.” JJ says as she slides the list over to me. 

I glance over the list and notice that it seems to have everything on it…tons of food, which she apparently thinks I need, medical supplies…which she now knows I need…even if I wish she didn’t. 

I have a couple of other places I need to go…but she won’t be able to go there with me. I’ll have to figure out a way to either reschedule those or convince her to go home for a little while. 

“Anything you want to add to the list?”

“I think you have more than enough on here JJ. You have enough food on this list to feed an army.” I jokingly reply. 

“Em…you realize you don’t have any food…I mean none at all. What’s on that list really isn’t that much. I was actually thinking of a few more things I wanted to add…maybe when we get to the store we can just see what else looks good.” JJ states firmly.

I glance back up to make a comment about her list and notice that she didn’t actually finish getting ready this morning. Her hair is still in somewhat of a tangled mess…like she jumped out of the shower and just ran a towel over it to try and dry it…and she isn’t wearing any shoes…which she’ll obviously need before we leave. I decide to bring it up since it seems as though she’s finishing things up in an attempt to get ready to leave. 

“Hey JJ…you can finish getting ready while I clean up down here.”

“What do you mean?” JJ asks…confusion clouding her eyes. 

I chuckle softly…realizing she has no idea what I’m talking about. “Sweetie…you’re beautiful exactly how you are…but I’m guessing you were trying to rush back to my room and forgot to finish fixing your hair this morning…plus you’ll probably want to put some shoes on before we leave.”

I watch as JJ attempts to run her fingers through her hair as she walks towards the mirror in the hallway. “Shit! I’ve never done that before. Let me run upstairs and fix my hair and throw my boots on and then we can leave. In the meantime…maybe you can figure out where you want to go for breakfast.”

I softly chuckle as I watch her start to rush up the stairs…coming to a stop halfway to the top. “Oh…I almost forgot to mention…your phone was ringing earlier. I missed the call but it looks like you may have had a couple of missed calls last night. I didn’t have any…so I’m pretty sure it’s nothing work related…probably just a wrong number or some telemarketer with really bad timing. Anyway…your phone is next to your badge and gun on the counter over there” JJ says as she points in their general direction. “I’ll be back down in a minute.” 

I watch her run upstairs and towards the guest bathroom as I make my way towards my phone. I look at the call log and my heart skips a beat. It wasn’t a wrong number or a telemarketer that called several times during the night. I know exactly who it was that was trying to call me…someone that wouldn’t have tried to call in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency…especially not 6 times. Something must be wrong. I have a sinking feeling that my thought from earlier…the one where the other shoe was going to drop…or someone would pull the rug out from under me…where my potential for future happiness is brought to a screeching halt…is about to happen.

With a lump in my throat the size of baseball, I quietly move towards the other side of my condo in the hopes that my conversation won’t be overheard by JJ if she happens to come downstairs. I try to slow down my rapidly beating heart and calm down…realizing that my palms are starting to sweat. Wiping my palms on the legs of my jeans, I open my phone and take a deep breath, before I start to return the call. Just as I’m starting to dial the familiar number, my phone rings and I see “SP” on the screen. This makes the seventh time they’ve called. Something is definitely wrong. I answer quickly…hoping JJ didn’t hear it ring. 

“What’s going on? What wrong?” I rush out. 

“Hello Mia…finally decide to wake up and answer your phone?” The eerily calm voice responds. 

Oh My God….Lucas. No…no, no, no, no…this can’t be happening. My heart completely stops…and all of a sudden I feel all of the breath in my body completely leave. I feel like I’m going to pass out. Why is he calling from her phone! What’s going on?

“Lucas…you fucking bastard! What have you done? Where are you? Where’s Summer?” I angrily reply as quietly as possible. 

“Still as fiery as I remember.” Another eerily calm reply.

“Dammit Lucas! I’m not fucking around here. If you’ve done anything to Summer…I’ll…” 

“You’ll what dear? In case it’s not clear to you yet…I’m calling the shots now…not you. I thought it was about time the three of us got together…we have a lot to talk about. And since your place is too restrictive…what with all of the surveillance and whatnot…I had to get creative. As for Summer…she’s fine…for now. I’ll give you an hour to get to the park…where we had our last…visit. There’s a building just north of there…we’ll both be waiting for you. Oh…and don’t bother trying to bring in any cops or your Agent friends…if you do…well…let’s just say you won’t like the outcome.” 

“Just let her go dammit! This is between me and you…she has nothing to do with this! It’s me you want…not her. I’ll meet you anywhere you want…just LET HER GO!” I plead. 

“Nope…sorry Mia. Summer is a part of this now. You brought her into this with the choices you made…choices we need to talk about in person.” 

“How do I know you haven’t already hurt her or that she’s even there with you? Put her on the phone so I know she’s okay.” 

“Now why would I do that? So you can try and trick me or something…I don’t think so.” Lucas replies calmly. 

“No…no tricks. But why would I trust you after everything you’ve done. I’ll meet you…but not unless I know for sure that she’s there with you and that she’s okay.”

“Fine…but I’m putting it on speakerphone…so don’t try anything stupid.” Lucas calmly states. “Ok…say something Summer…so Mia knows you’re here.”

“Summer…can you hear me? Are you okay?” I quickly ask.

“Yeah…I’m here…I’m okay…what’s going on…who is this guy? Is it who I think it is?” Summer asks…fear tinting her voice. 

“Yeah…but don’t worry…I’m coming…nothing bad is gonna happen to you…okay…I’ll be there as soon as I can…just hang on until I get there….I love you sweetie.” I reply.

I hear Summer reply “I love you too” just as the phone switches back off of speakerphone and Lucas comes back on the line. “One hour Mia…and no cops or Agents with you…got it?”

“Yeah, I got it…no cops or Agents…I’ll come alone. But just so we’re clear…if you hurt her…I will fucking kill you.” I reply…venom dripping from every word. 

“Ooooohhhh…I can’t wait to see that fiery spirit in person again.” Lucas coos as the phone disconnects. 

I shove the phone in my pocket and spin around to walk back into the kitchen. I need to grab my badge, gun, and car keys. I only have an hour to get to that damn park…the one I never wanted to see again. I stop short though as I look up and see JJ staring back at me. 

Shit! Now what am I going to do? 

I realize that she must’ve heard at least part of my conversation based on the look on her face…just how much, I have no idea. 

Unfortunately…now isn’t the time to go into it with her. Just another one of my secrets that seems to have spilled out of its compartment…and right now…I don’t have time to worry about how this might impact me and JJ…or explain any of it to her…I have to make sure Summer is ok. 

I know it won’t be easy getting out of this condo without JJ trying to stop me or come with me…but I won’t put her in danger too…Summer is already in danger…I refuse to put JJ in the middle of this mess too! I just have to figure out a way to get my stuff and get out of here before she can stop me. I knew that someone would pull the rug out from under me and steal my happiness away this morning…I just had no idea that bastard Lucas would be the one to do it.


	22. Helping Emily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the kudos and reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…kudos and reviews keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Nobody can predict the future. You just have to give your all to the relationship you're in and do your best to take care of your partner, communicate and give them every last drop of love you have. I think one of the most important things in a relationship is caring for your significant other through good times and bad.” ~ Nick Cannon

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” ~ Maya Angelou  
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Chapter 22

Looking back at my reflection in the mirror, I think back to the conversation I just had with Emily in the kitchen, and I’m so relieved that our conversation from earlier went as well as it did. I was so worried that she would shut me out completely, maybe try and lie about her self-injury, or somehow turn the conversation around on me and start asking me about my scars instead. I’m grateful that none of that happened, especially the last one. I know I’ll need to talk to her, about the other stuff I’ve been keeping from her…about what happened when I thought she was dead, but right now all of my focus is on helping her. 

The fact that she let some of her walls down…let me in…even a little bit…is amazing and I’m so grateful. I thought that I’d completely blown it and that she’d never trust me, or give me another chance to prove to her that I wouldn’t run away again. I needed to show her that I did love her then, and that I still do now…more than anything. I just pray that she believes me. I’ll keep doing whatever I have to do to prove to her that I mean it…even if it takes forever. I thought I lost her once and now I have a second chance…I’m not going to take that for granted. 

As I finish fixing my hair, I notice a smile playing across my lips as I think about how normal it felt to wake up with her and talk about mundane things in the kitchen this morning. Feeling her arms wrap around me…our flirtatious conversation…hearing her laugh…all of which has been missing from our interactions lately. 

I realized how much I’ve missed her…and how stupid I was to not fight for her so long ago…how much of a coward I was…and how much I have to fight for right now. I know…without a doubt I can’t live without her. I need her too much…even something as mundane as arguing over a shopping list brings a silly smile to my face. 

I laugh internally as I walk out of the bathroom, realizing how ridiculous I must’ve looked…with my hair in such a state. I’ve never forgotten to fix my hair like that before. Then again…I tend to get flustered or so completely engaged in my thoughts of Emily that I tend to forget what I’m doing…or should be doing whenever I’m around her or my thoughts turn to her. She has that much of an effect on me. She leaves me unnerved…breathless…speechless….amazed…and sometimes forgetful; all at the same time. 

As I make my way towards the stairs, I wonder if she’s thought of where she’d like to go for breakfast. I know she didn’t eat much for dinner, so I’m hoping she’ll eat more this morning. If she chooses the place, she’ll more likely find something she likes…and with her mood being better…she’ll hopefully eat more. 

One step at a time; I know she won’t get better overnight…with her self-injury…her less than stellar food intake…any of it. But I will break through all of those walls she’s built up and I will help fix whatever it is that she thinks is so broken inside of her. 

I look over towards the kitchen as I make my way to the edge of the stairs but notice she’s not there. I start to call out to her…but just as I do…I hear Emily yelling at someone…though it sounds like it’s somewhat muffled from my vantage point. I realize she must be on the phone on the other side of the condo. 

I hate to pry…but from the way she sounds…I’m more than a little concerned. I slowly make my way down the stairs in an attempt to hear what she is saying. To say that I’m shocked would be an understatement.  


“Lucas…you fucking bastard! What have you done? Where are you? Where’s Summer?” 

Those are two of the names I heard her say in her sleep last night. So Summer is a person…but who? And what is going on...why is she yelling at this Lucas guy?

“Dammit Lucas! I’m not fucking around here. If you’ve done anything to Summer…I’ll…” 

She thinks this Lucas guy has done something with whoever Summer is…based on her tone…whoever Summer is…she must be important. I wonder why she’s never mentioned her to me? 

“Just let her go dammit! This is between me and you…she has nothing to do with this! It’s me you want…not her. I’ll meet you anywhere you want…just LET HER GO!” 

Oh God! It sounds like this guy has whoever Summer is and is holding her hostage or something. I hope Emily isn’t planning on meeting him someplace. 

“How do I know you haven’t already hurt her or that she’s even there with you? Put her on the phone so I know she’s okay.” 

“No…no tricks. But why would I trust you after everything you’ve done. I’ll meet you…but not unless I know for sure that she’s there with you and that she’s okay.” 

No Em! Don’t agree to meet with him…Dammit! 

Shit! It sounds like you are planning on meeting him…I can’t let you do that. And she said after everything he’s done…what did he do? Did he already do something to her? To someone else? Now it sounds like this guy is holding someone hostage since Emily is asking to hear if she’s okay for herself. What the Hell is going on? Why would some guy hold someone hostage just to get Emily to meet him? 

“Summer…can you hear me? Are you okay?” 

Sounds like the guy put her on the phone so Emily can at least hear her voice. 

“Yeah…but don’t worry…I’m coming…nothing bad is gonna happen to you…okay…I’ll be there as soon as I can…just hang on until I get there….I love you sweetie.” 

No way am I going to let you meet this guy alone. I’m coming with you…but who the Hell is it that you’re trying so hard to save? Who is that means so much to you…that you’ve never once mentioned to me?

“Yeah, I got it…no cops or Agents…I’ll come alone…but just so we’re clear…if you hurt her…I will fucking kill you.” 

The tone in her voice just sent chills down my spine. I’ve never once heard that tone…it sounded like pure evil. She didn’t even sound like that when she talked about Ian. I could actually feel the hate she has for that guy all the way over here. 

Whoever Summer is…she obviously means a lot to her…I just don’t understand who she is and why Emily has never once mentioned her to me. I know she said she had secrets…but Emily told her that she loved her. I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard her say that to anyone. 

I’m still stunned by the venom and hatred I heard coming from Emily when I see her spin around and come to a complete stop. She realizes that I’ve heard part of her conversation. 

I try to talk to her, but she tries to walk right past me, so I grab her arm to stop her from leaving. I have so many questions that I need answers to.

“What was that about? Who’s Summer? Where are you going?” concern and confusion lace my rapid fire questions. 

“JJ…I wish I could stay here and explain it all to you…but I can’t. I have to go.” She pulls out of my grasp and grabs for her gun, putting it in her waistband and shoving her badge into her back pocket along with her wallet, as she picks up her car keys and start towards the door. 

“Then explain it on the way…I’m coming with you.” I sternly reply, making my way towards her. 

“No! I’m sorry…but you can’t. It’s too dangerous and I won’t risk you getting hurt…not like this. I have to do this on my own. Just stay here until I get back. I’ll call you as soon as I can.” She leans in and quickly places a kiss on my lips before rushing out the door. I try to respond, but she’s already gone. 

I chase after her…stopping only briefly to grab my own gun, badge, keys, and phone. I quickly make my way down to the parking lot only to see her SUV speed around the corner and out of sight. She must’ve known I would try to follow her and ran to her SUV. 

Dammit! Now what?

I run out to my car thinking I might be able to catch up to her…but realize that she’s got too much of a head start on me by now. I would have no idea which way to go. I know I only have one hope of figuring out where she went. 

I quickly dial the familiar number and start to get impatient as it rings a few times. The voice that answers is not who I expect so I look down to make sure I’ve dialed correctly. Startled only momentarily, I hear the voice again say “Hello”. 

“Morgan…it’s JJ. I need to talk to Garcia.” I firmly reply.

“Why would you think…” I interrupt his excuse before he has time to continue “You answered her phone…just hand her the phone…it’s an emergency.” I quickly state. 

I hear muffled sounds and then Garcia gets on the phone “Sorry about that Kitten…I’ll explain later. What’s wrong?” Garcia nervously replies. 

“It’s Emily…she’s in trouble. Can you track her phone for me?” I rush out…worry lacing my voice. 

“What do you mean…Emily’s in trouble?” Garcia quickly asks…concern rising in her voice. 

I hear more muffled sounds and then I hear Morgan on the phone “JJ? You’re on speakerphone…What’s going on? What happened to Emily?”

“Can Garcia track Emily’s phone?” I ask again.

“Yeah…she’s working on getting that started right now. Now…tell me what happened” Morgan replies anxiously. 

“I overheard her on the phone this morning. She got a call from some guy named Lucas.” I hear more sounds in the background…like Garcia is saying something to Morgan…but can’t make out what they are saying so I keep going. 

“He was holding someone named Summer hostage and Emily ran off to meet him. I tried to stop her but she ran off too fast. She was in her SUV and speeding out of the parking lot before I could catch up to her. I need to know where she’s going so I can get there and try and help her…she said she didn’t want to put me in danger…but that means she knows wherever she’s going is dangerous. I lost her once. I won’t do it again!” I finish…panic starting to set in. 

I hear more talking and muffled sounds in the background and then Garcia comes on the line again “Kitten…I’m working on tracking down the location for you…but you have to promise me that you won’t go in wherever she is alone…you have to wait for backup.” Garcia pleads. 

“I can’t promise that Pen…she’s in trouble…I know it. I can’t risk waiting backup…and that guy made Emily promise that she’d come alone…I’m guessing he threatened to do something to whoever Summer is if she didn’t. So if a bunch of cops or agents show up…she could end up in more danger…both of them could. Please…just tell me where she is…I’ve got to get to her so I can help.” I plead back with her. 

“I know Kitten…but Morgan and I are going to meet you… he’s talking to Hotch right now…you know they know how to handle situations like this without tipping anyone off. I’m going to conference you all in so you can all get the location at the same time and work together to help her. None of us wants anything to happen to her…and Lucas is a monster…” Garcia trails off. 

“You know who this Lucas guy is?” I ask…shocked she has heard of this guy and I haven’t. 

“Yeah…I do.”

“Who is he?” I ask. 

Why does Garcia know who he is and I don’t? What the Hell is going on?

“I’ve got Hotch and Rossi patched in on the line with Derek and me…JJ is on the line too. I’ve almost got the coordinates for her location, Sir.” I hear Garcia state. 

“JJ. I need you to wait until one of us is there before you go in.” I hear Hotch come on the line. 

“I can’t do that Hotch. You didn’t hear her earlier. I know she’s in trouble…I can’t risk losing her again. I won’t”… I argue. 

“I understand that…but this is a tricky situation…one that you don’t fully understand” Hotch replies. 

Why is it that I feel like I’m the only one not getting the full story here?

“What are you talking about Hotch?” Morgan’s confused reply. 

Okay…maybe I’m not the only one. Somehow…that doesn’t make me feel much better. 

“Okay…I have the location. She’s north of where you are JJ…just East off of Wisconsin Avenue.” Garcia interrupts. 

“Hotch? You know what that means?” Rossi asks. 

“Yeah. He’s having her meet him at the park.” Hotch coldly replies. 

“What park? Would someone tell me what the Hell is going on and why does everyone seem to know but me?” I finally snap…anger and panic getting the better of me. 

“Yeah…I’d like to know the answer to that too” I hear Morgan reply. 

“Dumbarton Oaks Park…just go North on Wisconsin Avenue…I’m sure you know where it’s at JJ. We’re on our way.”

“Yeah…I know where the park is…how can you be sure that’s where she’s going…or that this guy would have her meet him there?” I ask…still waiting on the answers to my earlier questions as I put my car in gear and start driving towards the park. 

“Because Lucas and Emily have some history with that park” Hotch softly replies. 

“Looks like her SUV is on the north side of the park, but GPS for her phone shows she is further north of that location Sir.” Garcia interrupts. 

“Makes sense he wouldn’t meet her out in the open. There must be some place north of the park itself that he knows she’ll be able to find. Garcia? Are there any structures north of the park?” Hotch replies. 

“Let me check Sir…” Garcia replies. Seconds later she says “Sir…their appears to be a couple of older structures about a mile or so north of the park…off of some kind of trail.” 

“That must be where they’re meeting. “ Rossi interjects. 

My mind races as I try to put all of the pieces together. How is it that Garcia, Rossi, and Hotch all seem to know something about this guy and I don’t? Who’s Summer? What’s this history that Lucas and Emily have…the way Hotch just sounded…it must not be good. I hear everyone talking in the background…but now that I have a location for Emily…all it is to me is background noise. 

I make it to the park in record time and almost immediately spot Emily’s SUV. I notice she’s not in it but I see a walking path right near where she parked. She must’ve parked near it so she could walk the path towards that building Garcia mentioned to meet that guy. The others aren’t here yet…but I’m not waiting for them. I’m going to help Emily on my own…they’ll just have to catch up when they get here. 

“Guys…I’m at the park and I see Emily’s SUV but she’s not here. I’m going to take the path next to where she parked…towards that building Garcia mentioned and see if I can find her. Just meet up with me whenever you get her.” I interrupt the ongoing conversation. 

“JJ. You need to wait until we get there” Hotch states firmly. 

“Sorry Hotch. I’m not waiting. We waited too long when she fought Ian…and look what it cost us. I won’t risk that again. I have my phone but the ringer is off now. Just catch up with me when you get here” I respond before ending the call. 

I make my way down a rough walking trail…watching my surroundings carefully as I go. I make it nearly a mile when I get to a building out in the middle of the woods. It’s a large rock structure…large enough to be nearly two stories tall, with several dusty windows and probably several rooms inside. It’s odd to see a building this large out in the middle of the woods, but because it is made of rock and covered in ivy, had I not been looking for it, I might’ve missed it entirely. It’s almost as if the building grew up out of the nature that surrounds it. I notice that what looks to be the entrance to the building doesn’t have a door, just an opening in the shape of a door, carved out of the rock itself. 

This has to be where Emily is…I can almost feel her here. The air is thick with electricity and every cell in my body is on high alert as I slowly creep towards the rock structure. The sounds seem magnified as I try to quietly step closer…every leaf and stick I step on seems to explode beneath my feet and every breath I take seems echo through the trees. 

I absently-mindedly remember telling the guys that I was scared of the woods before…and at the time I had been joking. Why would I be scared of something like that? I remember thinking it was stupid at the time and how ridiculous it was for them to fall for something so lame. Now…sneaking up on this creepy looking building…hearing all of the sounds being magnified all around me…hearing my own heartbeat rapidly pounding in my own chest and ears...thinking that Emily’s life is in danger…again…I wonder if that joke will come back to bite me in the ass…since I am completely terrified…sneaking my way through these particular “woods.” 

I finally make my way to the rock entrance and try to peer inside. It seems to be an empty room, but I glance around the carved out door anyways, just to make sure that there are no traps or hidden wires before I try to sneak inside. The last thing I want is to tip off anyone inside that I’m there. Seeing nothing, I slowly creep inside and let my eyes adjust to the darkened room. It’s a small entryway, but doesn’t seem to have anything in it other than a couple of doors leading to other parts of the building and one small dusty window. 

Then I hear muffled sounds coming from the room with the window and slowly rise up enough to try and sneak a glimpse inside. When I finally get a good look at what is in the next room…my heart nearly stops. I see a dark-haired young woman…bound and gagged sitting in a chair. 

I assume this person must be Summer. But it’s the look in her eyes…and what she’s looking at that has me truly terrified. She’s looking directly at Emily…who’s being held with a gun to her head by a man. She’s sitting in a chair, tied up so she can’t move her hands or feet. She’s saying something…but from where I am…I can’t make out what she’s saying. Then I see the man move towards the younger woman and Emily says something else. 

Damn! I wish I could hear what they were saying! 

The next thing I see is the younger woman rushing over to Emily and hugging her and the man pulling her away from Emily…pointing towards the door I’m just behind. They’re all talking…but I still can’t make out what they are saying. The younger woman is crying…but she slowly starts to back away towards the door. 

I watch as the door I’m crouched beside slowly starts to open and the younger woman backs out. She glances down and sees me…nearly gasping in shock…but I quickly place my finger over my mouth to signal for her to remain quiet. Thankfully…she does. 

I hear the growl from the guy on the other side telling her to close the door and leave. She closes the door…but not completely. She leaves it open…just a crack…enough for me to be able to hear the conversation inside. 

She stares at me for a few seconds…as if she’s trying to work out some kind of puzzle in her head. Then she crouches down beside me and whispers...”He’s gonna kill her”…tears and terror filling her eyes. 

The next words she whispers to me render me nearly speechless…“You have to save her JJ.”


	23. I've Changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the kudos and reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter starts the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“True love is selfless. It is prepared to sacrifice.” ~ Sadhu Vaswani  
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Chapter 23

I hate the way I ran off like that…leaving JJ with so many questions…and undoubtedly worried…but I really had no other choice. I couldn’t risk her coming with me…putting her in danger. I know I’m probably walking right into a trap…but, I’d never forgive myself if something happened to JJ because of me. 

It’s already my fault that Summer is caught up in this mess…that she’s in danger now. There was absolutely no way that I was going to take the chance of putting JJ in danger too!

I have no idea how Lucas found out about Summer…or how he got to her. I thought we were all being extra cautious…especially once we all found out he had been released on parole. I guess it doesn’t really matter now though. Somehow he found her and all I know is that I have to save her…I won’t let him hurt her. 

I’ve risked too much already trying to protect her…protect her and everyone else from him and Ian. Ian’s dead now…and I didn’t think Lucas was a threat anymore. I should’ve known better. He was always the biggest threat I faced…much greater than Ian ever was…and now he has Summer. 

The last time Lucas found me…in the same damn park I’m heading to right now…that night after the case with Matthew wrapped up…when I decided to go for my ill-fated walk in the snow….he caught me by surprise. This time I know where I’m going and what I’m walking into…even if I realize it’s a trap. 

The ironic thing is that there are positives and negatives about knowingly walking into a trap with your greatest enemy…a monster that can so easily blend into the rest of society…appearing charming, handsome, sophisticated, and downright normal to everyone they meet. I know him…better than probably anyone else…maybe even better than he knows himself. That’ll help me in this kind of situation. 

The flip side of that is that he knows me better than most people. I let him get too close…shared too much with him. That was before I learned to close myself off from everyone that I think might get too close…keep silent…compartmentalize all of my emotions. He’ll know what buttons to push and he’ll be able to read me better than most people can…even with all of my walls and compartments.

As I pull into the parking lot, I know exactly where I’m going. The same path I walked that night he found me walking alone and attacked me. As I turn the engine off and glance out the windshield, I’m struck by the normalcy of it all. The dichotomy of my surroundings and my emotions seem so odd. 

On the inside, I’m struggling to control my swirling emotions…sadness…anger…hate…rage…and terror. Everything is all jumbled together…but my focus is still clear…finding and saving Summer. Then I glance around at my surroundings and everything seems so calm…peaceful. As if nothing was wrong in the world. 

I see families with children playing and having picnics…couples walking around holding hands…kids on skateboards and bikes…others flying kites…going about their normal day enjoying what everyone else would see as a beautiful park and a wonderful day.

It’s just another instance where looks can be deceiving. The park appears quiet…even tranquil…but deep within its midst lies a monster…lying in wait for its prey…for me. 

I used to love to come to this park and take in the surroundings. I used to find this park so peaceful…serene. That’s why I ended up walking through it that night after Matthew’s case wrapped up…even if I ended up here subconsciously. I was looking for some of the peace I had so often found here previously…but Lucas stole that from me that night…one of the few places I could find peace. He had taken so much from me already…I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised he’d take the place I went to when I needed solace as well. 

I slowly exit my SUV and start walking down the path that I know will lead me to Lucas and Summer. I just hope for once in his miserable life he kept his word…that he hasn’t hurt her. I know it’s me he’s really angry with…so my hope is that he’s just using her as bait to get to me. 

As long as she’s okay and I can get her away from him…whatever happens after that…well…I’m okay with it. There aren’t many people that I’d risk everything for…that I’d knowingly walk into a trap to help…but for the people I love…I’d walk through Hell and back without thinking twice. Summer is one of those people…JJ is another. 

I see the building come into view and recognize it immediately. Lucas and I had been here before…years earlier…back before everything went to Hell. It looks different now…more run down. I suppose when something is left out in the wild…with no one looking after it…nature tends to take over. 

I hear Lucas call out to me from the building…though I don’t see him. “Hello Mia…good of you to show up on time.”

“I told you I’d be here…now where’s Summer.” I respond…still searching for him…narrowing down his location from where his voice originated. 

I see a shadow move from within the building…but it’s not clear enough for me to take a shot with my weapon…which is still tucked in the waist of my jeans. “Come inside and see for yourself…oh…but leave your gun outside.”

“What gun?” I show both of my hands…indicating I’m not carrying a weapon. 

I see the shadow move within the building and a door open inside. I move a little closer to the building to get a better look inside. I stifle the gasp that threatens to escape my lips as I see Lucas standing behind Summer with a gun to her head. 

He shouts back at me from behind Summer “Don’t play games with me Mia…we both know you have a gun with you…now toss it outside before you come in. Wouldn’t want you to try anything stupid before we’ve had a chance to talk.” 

“Fine…” I mutter and pull the gun from my waistband…showing it to him before tossing it near the entrance to the building. “Satisfied?”

“Now that wasn’t so difficult, was it? I just want to talk to you both…and guns really are such a distraction.” He says with an evil smirk…all while waving around his own gun. 

I slowly make my way inside the building and into the room that both Lucas and Summer are in…watching for traps, any other people that might be helping Lucas, as well as a way for us to escape once inside. I glance over at Summer and other than being scared…thankfully…she seems to be okay physically. 

“Lucas…I told you I’d be here…and since I’m the one you want…you can let Summer go now.” 

“I’ll let her go soon…but first we need to talk. Have a seat Mia.” Lucas states, waving towards a chair sitting opposite of Summer.

“We can talk about whatever you want…but let her go. She doesn’t need to be here.” I ask again. 

I need to get her out of here…make sure she’s safe before this goes too far.

I see him walk behind Summer again…waving the gun around. “Mia…don’t make me ask again. Please…have a seat dear. Besides…Summer is part of this…she’s one of the reasons we need to talk.” He calmly replies.

I finally relent and sit down in the stiff wooden chair…only to have him say “there are some zip ties next to the chair…use one on each of your ankles and one on your right wrist…I’ll get your other wrist in a sec…wouldn’t want you to run off before we finish our little chat.” He smiles at me…still waving the gun behind Summer’s head. 

I see Summer shaking her head…as if to tell me she doesn’t want me to listen to Lucas. Thankfully she can’t see Lucas waving the gun around directly behind her. I know she’s scared…but I can’t risk Lucas hurting her…so I reluctantly follow his directions…though I don’t tighten the zip ties as tightly as I could. I leave a gap in them so I have some room to work with later…hopefully enough so that I can break free of them when I get the chance. 

Lucas walks back towards me and uses another zip tie on my left wrist…I twist my wrist slightly so that he doesn’t notice, but so that it’s not able to be tightened completely either. With the zip ties in place, he finally puts the gun in the waistband of his jeans…eliminating the immediate threat to both me and Summer. 

“Good…now that we have that out of the way…and I have your undivided attention…I can finally get to why I’ve brought you both here today.” Lucas begins. 

Good grief…it sounds like he’s either getting ready to lead a business meeting or a sermon. Either way, I think he’s lost his freaking mind! 

“I want to have a conversation with both of you…but before we can do that, I have a few things I want to say…and I don’t want you to interrupt me.” He calmly states with a pointed look in my direction. 

He looks at Summer and she just nods slightly in his direction after looking at me. I just simply reply “Fine.” He smiles and nods before continuing. 

“Good. First…I want to apologize for how I had to bring you both here…but really…there was no other way. Given some unfortunate circumstances beyond my control…I had to get…well…creative.” He again looks at me. 

Beyond your control my ass! You’re on parole for what you did to me you bastard! Ok…keep it together Prentiss…don’t let him know he’s getting to you!

“Second…I’m sure by now Summer has figured out who I am…and given that I’ve had no contact or interactions with her up to this point…I want to make it perfectly clear that what has occurred today is completely outside of the norm. I was driven to extremes due to the circumstances I found myself in. I would’ve preferred to meet you under better conditions.” He glances over to Summer with a look of sadness and pity in his eyes. 

If I didn’t know him better…I’d almost believe he was truly sorry for what he was doing right now. But I know he’s nothing but a fucking liar. It’s outside the norm for most people…but completely normal for him. What the Hell kind of a game is he trying to play here?

“As for you Mia…”he looks to me…”I want you to know that I’ve changed. Given the situation we now find ourselves in…you probably find that hard to believe…but it’s true nonetheless. I’ve done some things in the past that I’m not proud of…but I’ve gotten help for those and I’ve turned my life around. I want a chance to make things up to you…to both of you.” He finishes by waving his hand between Summer and me. 

Sure you’ve changed. How many times have I heard that line of bullshit from you before? The only changes you ever made were when you got worse…not better. Do you really think I’m stupid enough to believe your all better now? Or somehow reformed? Give me a fucking break. 

“I knew if I just came up and asked you directly…you’d shut me out. And given our current circumstances…I wasn’t able to contact you anyway. I had to find a way to get your attention…plus I wanted to get to know Summer…and I’d already lost so much time with her already. I couldn’t wait until all of this messy court stuff got resolved…or until I had enough time to prove to you both that I’d really changed. God knows what kind of stuff you’ve been telling her all these years.” He finishes. 

“The truth Lucas…that’s what I’ve told her…the truth…” I reply. “She knows exactly what happened all those years ago…and she knows that you were the one that hurt me a few years ago too.” 

“I didn’t mean for that to happen…I swear. It’s just…well…I had just found out about Summer…and I went to talk to you about her. And then I saw you walking through the park and something inside of me snapped. My anger got the better of me. I really am sorry about that.” Lucas replies…sadness tinting his voice slightly. 

Your anger got the better of you? That’s how you want to try and explain what you did to me in the park a few years ago? Or maybe that’s what you’re trying to use as your excuse for what happened all those years ago between us…but that won’t work. Anger might explain all those times you yelled at me or all of those horrible arguments we used to have…maybe even those times we ended up throwing things at each other…but not all of the other things you did…anger getting the better of you doesn’t even come close to explaining all of that. The only thing that explains that is you are a sadistic monster…you’re just pure evil.


	24. The Games People Play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter starts the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Life is an unfoldment, and the further we travel the more truth we can comprehend. To understand the things that are at our door is the best preparation for understanding those that lie beyond.” ~ Hypatia 

“No one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes.” ~ Paulo Coelho `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
Chapter 24

I have to hand it to him though…he’s gotten good at this little con game he’s playing right now. I’m not sure what it is he’s trying to accomplish, but he did sound somewhat convincing…the problem for him is that I know him too well to believe him or his lies anymore. I’ve seen this game before…and I’m not falling for it again.

“I know what you’re thinking Mia…how I’ve said sorry before and didn’t really mean it…or that I’ve changed but never really did. This time is different though. Remember when we first met…we were friends first…then we were more…we were happy back then…you remember that don’t you…back before our parents messed everything up…don’t you Mia?”

“We were friends…a long time ago…but it wasn’t our parents that messed everything up for us Lucas…we both know that. You say you’ve changed…if that’s true…then admit the truth…if not to me and Summer…then at least to yourself.”

He’s trying to push my buttons…get some kind of response from me. Let’s see how he likes it when I turn his little game around on him. 

“That is the truth Mia…you know it is. We were both outcasts that didn’t fit in to our parent’s world. We both knew we’d never live up to the ridiculous expectations they set for us. That’s why we clicked from the moment we met…that’s why we were friends. Our parents saw us together and used our friendship to their advantage. Two lonely losers that they saw as the perfect couple…one they could parade in front of their snooty friends…like we were some kind of trophy.” Lucas sadly stated…a hint of anger in his voice. 

Unfortunately…he’s right about that part. That was part of why we became friends in the beginning. The problem was…things changed. 

He continued with a slight glance in my direction “it wasn’t acceptable for us to show up alone…no matter how successful we might’ve been. But together…we were accepted into their lives…into their world. At the time…that was all either of us wanted…to be fully accepted by our parents. So we lived their lie. We’d both done it our whole lives…never quite measuring up to their standards…but desperately wanting to. It felt good to finally feel like we fit in. I know we both saw it as a joke at first…being seen as a couple…but then things changed.”

Again…he’s partially right…we both liked feeling like we fit in. But he wanted and needed that feeling much more than I did. And he’s right that things changed...but in different ways for each of us. 

I guess I’ll play along with him for now…see where he’s going with this conversation. Maybe I can figure out what it is he wants. 

“I know that was how you saw it back then Lucas…a small part of me did too. But I went along with the charade more for your benefit than mine. Sure…my parents were happy when they thought I’d found someone…but I didn’t need to be in a relationship with anyone to be accepted by them…even though you thought I did…and you thought that was the only way your parents would accept you into their lives too. As for things changing…they did…because you changed. Everything was fine when we were just friends…but then you wanted more from me than just friendship…I didn’t.” I calmly reply. 

“We both benefited from our friendship…and our relationship. Our parents were more accepting of both of us…not just me. As for me being the only one wanting to change our relationship beyond being just friends…well…we both know that’s not true. We were together for months…and we were happy…you can’t fake that kind of thing.” Lucas smugly replied. 

The Hell you can’t. I can fake almost anything! I definitely faked it with you…all the time! You were just too caught up in your own life…in your own perception of reality to realize it. I was never once satisfied by you…and at the end of our relationship…the thought of being with you just made me sick. I just let you think that I wanted you and that you were good in bed since you became so furious and violent with me whenever I acted like you weren’t. It became so much simpler…and safer for me…just to pretend. 

“Lucas…I was never interested in being more than just friends with you. You saw what you wanted to see in our relationship. I only went along with it for as long as I did because you told your parents we were getting married as soon as we both graduated and you passed the Medical Board. You were already stressed out with your rotations at the hospital and the rest of the stuff going on at school…I didn’t want to cause any more stress for you. You’d already started drinking and I know you were doing drugs back then too. As for being happy…once things changed in our relationship…when we stopped being just friends…combined with your drinking and drug use…and everything else going on at the time…happiness was nowhere close to what I was feeling…and I doubt you were either.” I shake my head as I reply…remembering some of those times. 

“No! You’re wrong! We were happy then.” Lucas argues. “Besides…it was your fault that I started doing drugs. I had never been around them until I got around you and your ‘friends’. They were the ones that got me hooked on all of that stuff. I just needed a little something to help me stay awake during my rotations. I never dreamed it would spiral so far out of control. You should’ve warned me how dangerous your friends were and what kind of stuff they were into. But instead you just let me get involved with all of it…then you just sat back and watched while I fell apart. You were doing all of the same drugs as me…and drinking too. I guess you’d just built up a resistance to it though since none of it seemed to affect you like it did me. I know we had a few problems because of all of that…the drugs and drinking…your friends…but nothing we couldn’t resolve on our own. In the end though, it was our parents that finally messed it all up.” 

I know I was a mess back then…I had been for a while…but nothing like you were. Besides…I only did drugs and drank once in a while…and nothing like what you got into. Besides…I did warn you…you just didn’t listen…you never listened. The more I tried to help or warn you, the angrier and more violent you got with me. You thought you knew better…so after a while…realizing you weren’t going to listen to me…I gave up trying to help you. You were just bringing me down with you…and by the end…I realized I just didn’t care enough about you to worry about it anymore. I just wanted to be free of you. 

“It wasn’t our parents that expected the apartment to be spotless every night…or dinner to be on the table by 6:00. It wasn’t our parents that would be furious if I was out too late at night…or if I didn’t sleep with you whenever you thought I should. It wasn’t our parents that would come home drunk…in a violent rage over something that happened at the hospital…or at school…or a dozen other places…and take their rage out on me. It wasn’t our parents that would apologize the next morning…after realizing what they did the night before…sending me flowers or jewelry…claiming they’d never do it again…only to turn around a day or two later and repeat the same pattern. It wasn’t our parents that I finally gave up on…realizing they’d never change. Only after finding out I was pregnant did I decide I needed to contact you…not our parents. It wasn’t our parents that deserved to know about the baby…even if I wasn’t planning on going back to an abusive relationship. It wasn’t our parents that flew into such a violent rage when they found out I was pregnant…claiming a baby would ruin everything…that they tried to kill me and the baby by throwing me down a flight of stairs. No…that was all you. It was our parents that were left to pick up the pieces of what was left behind.” I angrily reply. 

“No…no…you’re wrong. It wasn’t like that.” Lucas tries to argue. “I mean…I know I had some anger issues back then…but nothing like the violent rage that you are describing. Your right though…I did drink too much…and I did do some drugs once in a while…but they helped to keep me calm…or helped to keep me awake during my rotations…nothing like what you’re talking about...where I was taking them all the time…or where they changed who I was or my behavior like what you just said. And yeah, we argued some…but it wasn’t as bad as you make it sound. I never once hurt you intentionally. There were a couple of times when we fought…but you would hit me during those fights too. And that last night…the night you told me you were pregnant…I was shocked…not mad…and I just reached out to grab your arm and you fell backwards down the stairs…I never pushed you…or threw you. I’d never do that to you…or my own child.”

“Who is it exactly you’re trying to convince? Me…Summer…or yourself?” I ask. 

“It’s the truth Mia. What happened that night was just an accident. But no one believed me…not your parents…or mine. Then I found out the baby had died…” Lucas glances towards Summer…”or so I thought…” he glances back toward me…”and something inside of me just broke. I was completely devastated thinking that my child was dead. My actions…even if unintentional…had caused this horrible chain of events that led to this tragic result.” Lucas sadly stated…just glancing my direction before continuing. 

“The school kicked me out and I was told I’d never be allowed to practice medicine. My parents disowned me…they wanted nothing more to do with me. They managed to get me into a rehab since they couldn’t have this kind of scandal hanging over their heads…they even managed to keep me out of jail…even though I know your parents wanted to see me behind bars…but that was for their sake…not mine. You completely disappeared…vanished without a trace. I wanted so badly to find you…to apologize for what happened but you were gone. You dropped out of school and no one heard from you again…not until years later.”

Lucas glanced quickly over to Summer before looking back at me before going on with his explanation. “Without anyone else to turn to…no family…no career…nothing…I decided the best way to make up for what I’d done was to devote my life to helping others. Since I was nearly finished with my medical degree, I decided to use that knowledge to help others…even if not by being an official doctor. I started traveling the world where medical services are not usually available and providing care for people in need. I stopped drinking and got therapy for a few different mental health issues and for my anger. I tried to turn my life around…at least until that night a few years ago when I ran into you. I’d just found out about Summer. All I wanted to do that night was to talk…to ask you why you’d kept her from me for all these years…but then I started to think about everything that I went through…everything I lost…the way I felt thinking she died all those years ago…and my anger just got the better of me. I’m sorry for that…but I’ve worked on getting control of it again…and I really have changed.” Lucas finally finishes. 

I finally see an opening…maybe I can convince him to let her go now.

“If that’s true…if you really have changed…then prove it. Let Summer go. All you’re doing now is scaring her. If you ever hope to have any kind of a relationship with her in the future…you can’t hold her hostage. She’s heard everything you’ve had to say…now prove to her that you really are the person you say you are…that you’ve changed and you’ve turned your life around. Let her go so she can make up her own mind about getting to know you. Give her the time and the opportunity to see who you really are outside of this place.” I calmly ask.

I watch as Lucas starts pacing as he takes his gun out of his waistband. He seems to be contemplating his next move. He walks up directly behind me and stops. 

“I suppose you’re right. But we still have a few things to discuss though Mia.” Lucas replies…placing one hand on my shoulder. I can see the fear in Summers’ eyes and I realize that he is probably pointing the gun at me while he’s talking. 

The next thing I notice is his hand slowly lifting from my shoulder as he makes his way towards Summer. He still has the gun in one hand, but he slowly removes the cloth that had been tied around her mouth before moving to untie her hands and feet. Once free, she runs to me and wraps me in a tight hug whispering that she doesn’t want to leave me. Tears are flowing freely down her face and it breaks my heart to see her this upset. I know the next thing I say to her has to be convincing enough to get her to leave…but calm enough so that both Lucas and her believe what I’m saying. 

“Everything will be fine sweetie. But you need to leave now…head back down the trail to the parking lot. I’ll be right behind you…Lucas and I just have a few things to talk about first…right Lucas?” I state…glancing towards Lucas. 

“Yes…absolutely. I’ll arrange a time to meet with you in a more appropriate location next time Summer…and I’ll prove to you that I’ve changed. I truly do want to get to know you. Mia kept us apart for too long already…but she’s going to help make sure we’ll spend time together in the future. Right, Mia?”

“Of course. Now…go on sweetie…get out of here.” I state firmly. 

“But…” Summer starts to argue.

“No buts dear…” Lucas calmly replies…”Say goodbye Summer.” 

The tone in his voice with that last statement just confirmed what I had thought all along…he’d been lying. Everything he said was for effect. He’s been playing some kind of game. Whether that was to try and gain some kind of trust from Summer or just to torture one or both of us…either way…it was all a charade. Judging by the look in her eyes…Summer knows it too. I watch as she slowly backs out of the room. 

I catch a glimpse of something in the dusty window and my heart skips a beat. Dammit! JJ is here. I didn’t want her anywhere near this place. Hopefully she’ll just make sure that Summer is safely away from this place and she won’t try rushing in here. Right now…I have no way to protect her. One of my guns is outside and I can’t quite reach the other one. 

I’d been working on the zip ties binding my ankles and wrists during his never-ending monologue earlier…enough where I’m almost able to move freely. Just a few more twists and turns with them and I should be able to break free of them. I just have to hope that if Summer or JJ decide to rush in here…I’ll be able to get free from these enough to help. 

I notice that Summer is still lingering in the doorway…she’s noticed JJ as well. Thankfully, Lucas hadn’t been watching that closely or he would’ve seen Summer’s reaction. He just noticed that she hadn’t actually left and his true colors briefly show as he angrily growls out to her to leave and shut the door behind her. I watch as she slowly shuts the door…leaving it open just a crack. I assume so that either her or JJ…or both…can listen in on what Lucas has to say next. 

I have no idea what Lucas has planned…but judging by the way he’s looking at me right now…it’s not good. I remember seeing that look in his eyes years ago…and whenever I did…it was right before he would change from the calm, caring man I once cared about…that I thought of as a friend…into the evil monster that seemed to take over his very soul. 

At this point…I really don’t care what happens to me…I achieved my goal of getting Summer away from Lucas. Besides, Lucas has already hurt me so many times I’ve lost count…nothing he could do to me at this point could be any worse than what he’s already done. And like I was trying to tell JJ before…I already know I’m too broken to be fixed…both Summer and JJ are safe now…as long as they stay away from this room and Lucas…they can still have a good life…a bright future ahead of them. They aren’t like me…they aren’t broken beyond repair. I just need to make sure nothing bad happens to them right now so they can still have that future. Whatever happens to me isn’t important…and I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure they remain safe. That is my only focus at this point. 

I turn back to stare at Lucas…noticing his icy gray eyes have turned into an even more evil shade of grey. I feel the zip ties loosen slightly realizing that I am basically free from them and can now fight back against whatever evil, sick, twisted game he has planned. I inwardly smile to myself knowing this time…this game…could be the last one that one or both of us ever plays. 

Let the games begin!


	25. Mind Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: Brief mentions of violence/harm against a primary character in this chapter. Please be forewarned if you find this offensive/troubling.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter starts the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
“We define family in many different ways: not just by blood but by people with whom we find a common ground and a common bond.” ~ Adrienne C. Moore 

“Horror is like a serpent; always shedding its skin, always changing. And it will always come back. It can't be hidden away like the guilty secrets we try to keep in our subconscious.” ~ Dario Argento `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
Chapter 25

Shocked at what she said, I look back at her and whisper “You know who I am?”

She simply nods and whispers back to me “I can’t leave her. He’s gonna kill her.” 

She didn’t tell me how she knows me. But I know Emily risked her life to save her…so I need to make sure she’s safe. I whisper back to her “let me worry about her…you need to go. I can’t protect you and save her too” I try to explain as quickly as possible. 

She nods in understanding…and reluctantly backs out of the room through the door I just came in. 

I quickly reach for my phone and send a quick text to Hotch to let him know that I found Emily and Summer. That Summer is heading back down the trail from the building Garcia mentioned. That Emily is still being held at gunpoint by Lucas…and that I’m going to try to find a way inside if I can. 

I watch as Summer slowly makes her way back down the path I walked up moments ago, and briefly send up a quick thank you to whoever was watching out for her…and ask they continue to protect Emily. I lean in close to the opening of the door and listen for any sound…any indication…that I have a chance to go in and help without making the situation worse for Emily. 

I’d just as soon shoot the bastard but I can’t risk her getting shot in the crossfire. I need to make sure he’s away from her or has is gun lowered before I take that kind of risk. 

*************************************************************************************

“Damnit” Hotch mutters. “I just got a text from JJ…somehow Emily managed to switch places with the hostage…she managed to get Summer free…but now she’s the one being held at gunpoint by Lucas. JJ said she’s going to try to find a way inside and that Summer is on her way here.” Hotch relays the message to the team, who at this point, have all met up near the entrance to the trail. 

“Hotch, Morgan and I will head down the trail to where JJ said Emily is being held. If we see Summer, we’ll send her down to the two of you. Reid, make sure that none of the local PD move until we give the okay. Also, have EMS on standby. Garcia, keep track of our exact location so if we need backup, you can tell them exactly where to go. Everyone’s on Comms so we can stay in touch.” Rossi firmly states. 

“Except JJ. She won’t respond…I think she took her earpiece out Sir.” Garcia replies.

“She’s not responding to my text either…Damnit! She must have her phone off or it’s on silent! We need to move! We can’t risk her going in there alone. Lucas is dangerous…and now that he has Emily…God only knows what he’ll do.” Hotch quickly replies as he, Rossi, and Morgan rush off down the trail towards JJ and Emily. 

*************************************************************************************

I stare up into the eyes of the devil, waiting for him to make his first move, but as I do, I can’t help but remember the first time I met him. I admittedly, fell for his charade…like so many before me…and probably others after me have as well. 

He seemed to be a sweet, caring, intelligent, and humorous gentleman…not to mention incredibly handsome. I found myself immediately drawn in by his humor and intelligence…but inexplicably captivated by his eyes. They say that eyes are the windows to your soul…and I used to stare into his for hours. I wonder how I could have been so blind…as to have missed what was so obviously missing from within him…any kind of soul whatsoever. 

You can put on a mask for others, but to truly mask your deepest thoughts and feelings from those closest to you…that requires real talent…and in his case…probably some deep level of psychopathy. I just simply missed all of the signs…at least at first. 

That’s a large part of why I’m in the field I’m in now. I needed to understand human behavior better…to prevent myself from missing those kinds of signs again; if not for myself…for others like me. I wanted to be able to prevent other people from becoming victims…though I would never admit to anyone else…or even myself…of being one…regardless of the circumstances. 

So, I suppose if it were not for Lucas…I would have never ended up on the path my life took after I left him. I would have never pursued a career in law enforcement at all. Who knows what my life would look like today. 

I suppose trying to reassess my life’s journey at a time like this may seem odd…but given the fact that I’m staring down the devil…knowing full well that he has no intention of letting me leave here alive…I guess now is as good a time as any for self-reflection…at least on some small scale. 

My self-reflection is interrupted by Lucas…”Trying to figure out what my plan is Mia? What I have in store for you next?” 

I continue to stare back at him and calmly reply “No. I knew before I walked through that door that you were setting me up. The only question I have…is why drag Summer into it? What did you hope to gain?” 

“I needed to see her. You’ve kept me away from her for years, Mia. I needed to know how much influence you’ve had on her…if I had any chance at all of having a relationship with my own daughter. But I see now that what little time you’ve had with her…you’ve managed to poison her against me. You and your family have turned her against me completely…just like you turned everyone else against me before. Some things never change.” Lucas finishes speaking…barely contained rage just bubbling below the surface. 

I can tell I’m starting to get to him…his mask has fallen and the real Lucas is showing through; this is the Lucas that I remember. 

“I was wondering how long it would take before I’d see the real you…not the one fake version you were pretending to be in front of Summer.” I reply…maintaining my calm demeanor.

“You’re accusing me of being fake? What about you, Mia? I’ll admit that some of what I said wasn’t entirely accurate…but you weren’t exactly honest either. You always did play the victim so well...pretending that I was abusive…that I was some drugged up, alcoholic monster that beat you constantly. We both know that wasn’t the case. We both did drugs and drank all the time. You were hurting yourself all the time…even before we met…and I enjoyed inflicting pain. I had to suppress that side of myself because I knew it was wrong. But…when we met…you encouraged me to let that side of myself free…you told me it was okay to be myself around you. It seemed like a match made in Heaven…or maybe Hell. You didn’t have to hurt yourself because I was able to do that for you…it kept you from feeling guilty about that dirty little secret of yours…and I no longer had to suppress my urge to hurt anyone else.” Lucas half-smiled as he continued. 

“The problem for me…was that it gave you someone else to blame when things went bad between us. You blamed me instead of admitting that you asked me to hurt you. That you really wanted me to hurt you and…that you actually enjoyed it. Because if I wasn’t the one hurting you like that…you would’ve been doing it to yourself anyway. You weren’t going to tell anyone about that. So instead…you let me take the blame for all of your injuries and scars. In the process…you made me look like a monster…and made yourself into some poor, helpless victim. You so easily turned everyone against me…even my own parents. They couldn’t imagine someone like you…someone so smart…so privileged…so put-together…hurting themselves. They didn’t have any idea how fucked up you really were…still are I’m sure…and with all of your scars…they believed your story. Perfect little Emily…my Mia…and the monster you let out of its cage by encouraging me to embrace my dark side. Well…you got your wish…didn’t you?” He finishes with a sneer. 

“I never asked you to beat me…to become violent…to throw me down the stairs…to try and kill me or Summer…or to rape me here in this park…I never asked for any of that!” I start to argue. 

I know he’s pushing some of my buttons…but I can’t help it. He’s starting to get to me. My anger is starting to get the better of me and I know I won’t be able to think rationally if he keeps this up. I have to figure out a way to turn this around…before it’s too late. 

I also know that JJ has probably heard every word of what Lucas has said and part of me wonders what she’s think right now. Especially given what happened last night and this morning. Will she believe him? Will she think I’m some freak that wanted him to hurt me…or will she realize he’s lying? 

He sounds so convincing…enough that I almost believe him and I was there. I had to live through all of it. I’d glance over to see JJ’s reaction…but I can’t risk Lucas realizing she’s here. I just have to hope she either didn’t hear him or that she won’t believe him. 

*************************************************************************************

Summer is their daughter? Why would Emily not tell me about her? Was she afraid that I wouldn’t want to be with her because of that? I guess up until last night…or rather this morning when she realized I wasn’t going to run away again…she really had no real reason to trust me…but still. Where has she been this whole time? How could she hide something that big from all of us? I know she said she had secrets…but I never imagined one of them would be a secret kid…who is nearly an adult now.

And they both mentioned this park…that must be how Garcia, Hotch, and Rossi all knew about Lucas. That conversation I overheard a few years back…after Emily was attacked and ended up in the hospital. It was Lucas that attacked her. God…I had no idea what really happened. I don’t think they did either. I doubt Garcia knew about it back then…or she would’ve told me. Something must’ve changed recently…but what?

Maybe it has something to do with that meeting I saw where Garcia gave Emily that hug…I thought it was weird at the time. Now all of the pieces are starting to fit together. I just wish it didn’t fit together and mean all of this. Why couldn’t it be something simple and easy…something that didn’t mean that Emily was hurt or suffered through more trauma. 

And now it looks like he’s trying to twist some horrible past they shared together to try and get inside her head. God…she doesn’t need this right now. She was already struggling with all of this crap…now to have him just reinforcing all of these negative thoughts she was already feeling. 

What kind of game is he playing? I get the feeling he’s done this to her before. How else would someone as strong and brave as Emily stay with someone like him? Someone that was so obviously abusive for such a long time? He’s obviously manipulated her before…he knows what buttons to push. I just hope she isn’t falling for it this time.

Please babe…just hang in there. I’m trying. If he drops that gun…even for a second…I’ll rush in and stop him. I hate that he’s torturing you with all of this crap he’s saying…trying to break you down. It breaks my heart to see that look in your eyes…like he’s starting to get to you. Please don’t let him. I’ll find a way to save you…I promise. 

*************************************************************************************

“Reid…Garcia…Summer should be reaching you in a minute. We passed her a little while ago. She told us where to find JJ and Emily. She doesn’t appear to have any outward signs of injuries, but you may want to have EMS check her out just in case.” Morgan quietly states over the Comms system. 

“There’s no movement outside, so we’re getting ready to head inside now.” Morgan continues. 

“Please be careful…all of you…and do whatever you have to do to bring back my girls…safely.” Garcia responds…holding back tears. 

“Anything for you, Baby Girl.” Morgan quietly replies. 

Garcia starts to reply but spots a younger, dark haired young woman walk out of the trail and directly up to her. As she starts to ask if she’s okay, she’s startled to hear her ask “Garcia…any update from JJ about Emily?”

“You...you know who I...I am?” Garcia stutters. 

“Yeah. I know who all of you are…I’ll explain later. But for now…could you please just answer me? Have you heard anything from JJ about Emily?” Summer asks again. 

“No sweetie…the team is heading inside now.” Garcia looks over the young woman and sees she’s shaking. “Reid, could you have one of the paramedics come over here and make sure she’s okay…bring a bottle of water with you too, please.”

Reid just nods his head as he makes his way towards one of the paramedics. They have a brief conversation before making their way towards Summer and Garcia. 

“Ma’am, would you come back over with me to the ambulance so that we can take a look at you and make sure that you’re okay?” the young paramedic asks. 

“No…I’m not going anywhere…not until I know that JJ and Emily are okay.” Summer quickly replies. 

“Can you just take a quick look at her here…make sure she’s okay.” Garcia interjects, realizing Summer isn’t going anywhere right now. “Would that be okay, Summer?” Garcia continues as she hands Summer the bottle of water. 

Summer reluctantly nods and the paramedic finally concedes “Okay…but only if you agree that if anything is wrong, you’ll allow me to help you…once you have an update…back at the ambulance.” 

“Sure…whatever…but really…I’m fine” Summer states…continuing to watch the entrance to the trail. 

Garcia makes her way over to Reid and quietly whispers to him…”She knows who we all are…I asked her how she knew us and all she would say was that she’d explain it all later. Has Em ever mentioned anything to you about her?” 

“No…” Reid sadly replies. “I thought we found out everything about Emily after what happened with Ian…I guess she’s still keeping secrets from us. We’re her family…why doesn’t she understand that we’ll love her no matter what…that she doesn’t have to keep hiding things from of us.”


	26. Game Changer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This is a continuation of the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
“There are times you can't really see or even feel how sweet life can be. Hopefully its mountains will be higher than its valleys are deep. I know things that are broken can be fixed. Take the punch if you have to, hit the canvas and then get up again. Life is worth it.” ~ Queen Latifah 

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” ~ Thomas A. Edison `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
Chapter 26

“Who are you trying to convince Mia? It’s just the two of us here…and we both know the truth. I’ll admit…what happened at the park…now that wasn’t planned. And we both know I never threw you down those stairs. We were fighting…you’re right about that. But you pulled away from me and lost your balance. When I reached for you…you jerked away from me and I couldn’t catch you. We both know it wasn’t intentional. You just told everyone I pushed you because it was easier than admitting the truth. You didn’t want Summer any more than you wanted your first kid…that’s the real reason you pawned her off on your family.” Lucas glances my direction with a crooked smile as he continues. 

“We both know that’s the only reason she has anything to do with you now…because she thinks you’re some kind of victim in this whole situation and feels sorry for you. Probably a good thing you didn’t raise her either. She would’ve turned out just as neurotic as you are…at least now she has some kind of Chance…no pun intended…” Lucas chuckles “of having a somewhat normal life.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I quickly reply…hoping I’m wrong.

“You know exactly what I meant…Mommy dearest.” Lucas replies with an evil laugh. 

“H…how’ d…did you…” I stutter…caught off guard by what he says. 

“What? Know about Chance?” Lucas smiles. “I know about a lot more than you realize, Mia.” Lucas laughs. “I know that you have ruined every life you have ever touched. Poor Matthew tried to help you and ended up dead. John is a strung out junkie now…all because you pulled them into your screwed up life. And Chance…well…everyone knows he was better off without you…including him. Summer was too, and everyone knows it…including her. She just spends time with you once in a while because she feels sorry for you…not because she actually cares about you…or loves you.” Lucas smiles evilly again as he continues on. 

“On the bright side…with your busy schedule…traveling all over…saving the world from evil…you don’t have to cancel any plans or lie to your fellow agents about where you’re spending your time or what you’re doing when you finally do come home. Your family doesn’t notice when you’re away…and your fellow agents don’t notice when you’re gone. You might as well be invisible. As a bonus…I’m sure you don’t need to be concerned with winning any mother of the year award...so no need to plan around that.” Lucas laughs again. 

“Although…you may end up getting Martyr of the year…sounds similar…I guess that’s close enough.” Lucas laughs again…still waving his gun around. 

Fuck! If JJ just heard that conversation…then she knows about Chance too…no one besides my family knows about him. I told Rossi part of the story a few years ago…but I told him the version of the story that everyone else was told…not what actually happened. The only other people that know the truth were Matthew and John. 

God! He’s right…what happened to Matthew was my fault…and what’s happening to John…that’s partially my fault too. Not completely…but at least to some extent. If JJ puts the pieces together…Damnit! I didn’t want her to find out about Chance and Summer like this…especially not from Lucas. 

And I know Lucas is partially right about both of them being better off being raised by someone else…that’s why I made the decisions that I did. I thought they’d be safer…they’d be happier…damn him for bringing all of this up again! 

*************************************************************************************

Did I just hear what I think I just heard? Emily has another kid…a son? And he’s somehow connected to her friend Matthew…and that weird guy that showed up during that case, John? I knew something about that case was still bothering her…or she wouldn’t have been having nightmares about it. But something like this? Good lord! No wonder she’s constantly on edge…worried about everything. I can’t imagine trying to keep one kid a secret…but two? And why? Was it for their safety…or some other reason?

I know Lucas is still trying to twist things around…so until I talk to Emily. Well…his version doesn’t matter to me. And I hope Emily knows that whether she has kids or not…that doesn’t matter to me either…I still love her and need her.

I’m still reeling from this latest revelation when I hear footsteps approaching from behind me. I quickly glance behind me to find Morgan, Hotch and Rossi slowly entering the room. I quickly put my finger up to my mouth to signal for them to be quiet as I point to the door that is cracked slightly. I watch as they all nod. I point to the small dusty window and mouth the words “Lucas still has a gun on Emily. I haven’t been able to enter yet without putting her in danger.”

I watch as Morgan mouths back “I’m going to check around the building to see if there are any other points of entry…put your earpiece back in JJ so you can listen for any updates.” 

I nod and do as he requests and watch as Hotch and Rossi take positions around the door and listen, just as I have been, for the first sign they can enter the room…or an update from Morgan about another point of entry.

************************************************************************************* 

Knowing that my anger is getting the better of me…and in an attempt to try to divert the conversation away from this topic…in case JJ may have not heard what Lucas had been talking about…I try to remain as calm as possible…at least on the outside. 

“So what exactly was your plan Lucas…bring me here to dredge up our past…try to make me feel guilty about it? Well…all of us have moved past that…everyone except you. So what are you going to do now?” I try to temper my anger as I ask. 

“I’m going to make you pay for ruining my life…of course.” Lucas smiles. 

“And how exactly are you planning on doing that? By killing me? Because if you do that…I can guarantee you that Summer will never want anything to do with you. At least now…she may…at some point in the future…at least try to get to know you.” I try and offer a glimmer of hope…knowing Summer won’t want anything to do with Lucas...ever. But I still try to offer this as a way to turn this conversation around…and to give myself the upper hand. 

“You and I both know Summer will never give me a chance. You’ve already turned her against me. And no…I don’t need to kill you. You’ll do that all on your own soon enough. We both know you’ve been walking on that razor’s edge between life and death for too long. Eventually you’ll give in and end it all. You’ll realize that you really aren’t worth all the trouble you put everyone else through. I can see it in your eye’s right now. Part of you was hoping I’d just shoot you and end it all right here…save you from looking like a coward to everyone else. But sadly…that’s a cross you’ll have to bear in the end Mia. Everyone will eventually realize that you really are just a coward…wearing the mask of someone who’s just pretending to be brave and strong. No…I’ll just let the guilt and torment of what you’ve caused eat away at you…until you do what you should’ve done years ago.” Lucas laughs again. 

“Guilt and torment over what? What the Hell are you even talking about?” I finally snap. 

What kind of game is he playing now?

“Oh…I guess I forgot to mention that part, didn’t I?” Lucas calmly states…reaching for a stack of papers. “I mentioned earlier that I traveled around…helping people who couldn’t afford medical care. I guess I forgot to mention how I helped them…oops.” Lucas smiles as he casually flips through the pages. 

“You see…once you encouraged that monster inside of me to come out…and then abandoned me…turned my family against me…I really had no reason to put him back inside of his cage. So I just re-directed that feeling somewhere else. I decided to help others…and help myself at the same time. I found people…women…that reminded me of you…and helped them end their suffering. I suppose some of them weren’t really suffering that much until I showed up…but…I guess that’s really beside the point. What’s amazing is how many of them there were over the years. How many women I was able to help…because you turned me into who I am now.” Lucas waved the stack of papers around in front of me. From where I sat, I could see a few pictures and some writing…but no actual details because he was too far away. 

“Are you saying you killed women that reminded you of me?” I ask…hoping I’m not right. 

“Mia…that’s such a crude way of putting it. I helped them…but to do that…it meant ending their lives. It really was for the best. Just like you’ll eventually realize your life is nothing but one disaster after another. And those around you will be better off without you. So…ending your own life…will be for the best for everyone in the end too.” Lucas smiles…sending a cold shiver down my spine. 

“You sick bastard! You think killing innocent women somehow helped them?” I vehemently spew. 

“Of course. They were all sick…twisted…hurting those around them…just like you. Really…I did them a favor…and everyone around them too.” Lucas calmly states. “Look how much better off the people around you would’ve been…if you would have just ended it years ago. Instead…you let Matthew save you when you were a kid. If not for that…you wouldn’t have abandoned your own kids…leaving them for your family to take care of. Matthew would still be alive…John wouldn’t have turned out the way he did. Not to mention all those cases that went wrong…because you made the wrong choice. All of those lives would’ve been saved by a better Agent.” Lucas smiles sweetly at me. “You know I’m right.” 

Damn him! Why did I ever tell him about Matthew saving me that night? Now he’s using it against me. I know part of what he’s saying is right…but I can’t let him get to me. I know he’s trying to push my buttons…trying to get under my skin. He was always so good at doing that. I’ve got to turn this around before he gets to me any more than he already has…before I start to believe any more of this. 

“Exactly how do you think you are going to get out of here Lucas? You’ve just confessed to killing God knows how many women. You’ve violated your parole…kidnapped someone. You’ve held two people hostage…threatened both of us with a gun. Do you really think you’re just going to walk out of here and not be thrown back into prison for the rest of your life?” I angrily reply…realizing that I have finally freed myself from my zip ties with room to spare without him noticing…and once he turns his back I can reach for my gun. 

“I knew that I was never leaving here Mia…but I also knew that I wasn’t going to let you leave here until I got exactly what I wanted from you.” Lucas smiles at me once more. 

“And what exactly is that?” I start to respond…but before I have the opportunity to finish my thought…I see a fist flying directly towards my face…knocking me backward and breaking the chair under me. Lucas quickly pulls me up and drags me towards another room before I have a second to catch my breath. The door closes behind him and I see a bed in front of me. I turn back towards Lucas to see a glimmer of something in his eyes…I can’t quite decipher what it is…it’s more than evil…and when he finally speaks…it sends another shiver down my spine. “I want to see you completely broken…one more time.”


	27. Game Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: Violence towards a primary character is contained in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you. 
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter is a continuation of the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````  
“We are not here to curse the darkness, but to light the candle that can guide us thru that darkness to a safe and sane future.” ~ John F. Kennedy

“Sometimes when you're overwhelmed by a situation - when you're in the darkest of darkness - that's when your priorities are reordered.” ~ Phoebe Snow  
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Chapter 27

He wants to see me broken…I guess the joke is on him. You can’t break something that is already broken. I simply stare back into his empty, evil eyes…trying to contain the hollow laugh that is threatening to escape my lips. He notices the shift in my demeanor and slowly stalks towards me. 

“You find this amusing Mia? Now why doesn’t that surprise me? You always were fucked up.” Lucas smiles. 

“You can’t break something that’s already broken.” I calmly reply. 

“Maybe not…but I can shatter it beyond repair. Broken pieces can eventually be put back together. When you leave this room…no one will be able to fix you. Take a good look around you…do you still find your situation and what you’ve caused so amusing now? Still think I can’t shatter what’s left of you?” 

I quickly glance around and notice pictures of various women taped all around the room. I had only noticed the bed before…but now I realize that these are the same pictures he had shown me earlier…the ones from the stack of papers…the women he said he killed. My heart starts to race as I realize he’s taunting me with their images. I try to block out their faces but they’re all around the room…wherever I look….more faces with haunted eyes staring back at me. 

I’m distracted by their images and don’t notice Lucas laughing at me…at the horror that I can’t stop from appearing on my face. 

“You killed all of these women? Just because they reminded you of me?” I quietly ask. 

Hearing Lucas laugh again, I turn to face him and watch as he smiles broadly and simply answers “Yes.”

“Why?” 

“They were causing pain to everyone around them…just like you always did. But I would’ve never met them had it not been for you. They’re all dead because of you. Remember that! None of them had to die…if you would have just ended your own life years ago. So the next time you are considering if everyone would be better off without you or not…remember all of these faces…and then maybe the next time…you’ll make the right decision.” 

I glance around at the images again…haunted eyes staring back at me. Is he right? Are all of these women dead because of me? Could I have done something to save them? 

I’m distracted by my thoughts and don’t notice Lucas taking another swing at me…knocking me down onto the bed. I attempt to fight him off…I struggle to get free…but he keeps punching and hitting me. I feel my ribs crack under one of his stronger blows and my head is pounding from one of his earlier punches…making focusing on anything difficult. 

On top of that…because he caught me by surprise…he managed to get the upper hand and he’s much stronger than I expected. I try to push him back but feel my wrist snap in my futile attempt to get away from him.

I hear him laugh as he repeatedly says “they’re all dead…it’s all your fault” over and over again. 

I try to shake free of him…block out what he’s saying and focus on what’s happening…but my head’s pounding and I can’t seem to catch my breath…and whenever I try to look away from him…all I see are the images of women that are dead…because of me.

All of those photos…all of those murdered women…with their haunted eyes…everywhere I look. 

I feel all of the energy I had before…all of the fight I had in me completely leave when I notice one image in particular…someone that I used to know…another one of his victims. I realize that I just can’t do this anymore. He was right…I’m fighting a losing battle. 

I know that by now JJ has probably contacted the rest of the team and they are either here or on their way…Summer is safe…and with the team close by…JJ will be safe too. That’s all that mattered to me. Keeping them safe. 

I realize now that Lucas was right. I was broken before…but now he’s managed to shatter whatever was left. I guess he won after all. The only hope I have is to hide within myself with the remnants of my shattered heart and soul…and just hope that someday I can find a way to put some of the pieces back together again.

I’m finally able to retreat within myself completely…block out all of the sounds and images around me and hide within the maze of compartments and walls in my mind. It’s the only place that I can try and save whatever parts of me are left…if there are any left. But hiding so deep within myself I wonder…will I be able to find my way back out…or have I retreated so far that I’ll be lost inside myself forever? 

*************************************************************************************

Seeing Emily being knocked out of her chair and drug through one of the side doors, it took everything in me not to run in after her. Hotch and Rossi had to literally hold me back. 

“Wait, JJ. We need to approach carefully or we’ll put her in more danger.” Rossi quietly tried to reason with me. 

“Did you not just see what happened? How could she be in more danger than what she’s in right now? God knows what he’s doing to her right now!” I try to struggle free from both Hotch and Rossi. 

“He still has a gun aimed directly at her. If we go barreling in there…he could just start shooting. We need to be cautious and catch him by surprise.” Rossi tries again to reason with me…and I finally relent. 

“Morgan…have you found any other points of entry yet?” Hotch quietly asks.

“I think so…give me just a sec.” Morgan quietly replies. 

“Ok…let’s quietly move inside…if Morgan has another way in we can all make entry at the same time…if not…we can try to make entry on our side instead.” Rossi whispers as the three of us quietly move towards the door I saw Emily and Lucas go through…noticing it’s not closed entirely. I hear muffled sounds coming from the other side of the door and try to block out of my head all of the things that could be causing those sounds. 

After what feels like an eternity we all hear Morgan come back on the Comms system. 

“Hotch…I found another way in…but we need to move fast...” 

“Morgan…Do you see his gun?” Hotch whispers. 

“Yeah…it’s still within reach…but he’s not holding it right now.”

“Ok…Morgan…are you ready?” Hotch responds

“Yeah”

I start to try and prepare myself for whatever it is that I might find on the other side of that door. 

“Ok…we move on three…on my count…one…two…three.” 

I ready my gun so that I can be the first to enter the room and see Hotch and Rossi ready their guns as well. On three, Hotch slams the door open just as I hear glass shatter from inside the room. In a routine we have executed countless times, I enter with Hotch and Rossi following directly behind me. I quickly glance around the room…noticing Morgan already leveling his weapon on Lucas as the rest of us do the same. 

The sound of glass shattering had been Morgan entering through a window and the entry of all of us at once had caught Lucas off guard…enough so that he didn’t have time to pick up his gun. 

I hear Morgan yell at Lucas “Put your hands up and step away from her…NOW!”

Lucas looks around at all of us and just laughs…”Mia…it would seem your team has arrived to save you. Should we tell them it’s too late for that now? Or maybe it’ll be better when it comes as a surprise to all of them…when they realize what a worthless coward you really are.” 

“Shut up…put your hands up…and move away from her…NOW! I’m not going to ask you again!” I hear Morgan yell. 

I leave my gun aimed directly at Lucas…waiting for the slightest movement…anything that would give me a valid reason to shoot him. I purposely don’t look towards Emily…knowing that looking at her would distract me right now. 

I hear Lucas laugh once again…mockingly…”You wouldn’t shoot an unarmed man…now would you, Agent?” Lucas directs his question at Morgan...purposely moving his hands to show he is not holding any weapon. 

I watch as Morgan glances in our direction, holstering his weapon, and then slowly moves towards Lucas. I keep my gun leveled at Lucas…watching for the slightest movement or change…and then it happens. 

I see him move slightly…reaching for something in his waistband as Morgan approaches. Seeing a slight glimmer of something metal…realizing it’s another weapon…I immediately fire my weapon…just as Hotch and Rossi fire theirs as well. Two shots to the head…one to the heart. 

Lucas falls to the ground…obviously dead….directly between Morgan and Emily. I look over and see Morgan crouch over Lucas and pull out the weapon that Lucas had been reaching for…a knife. 

Morgan states the obvious when he says “he’s dead” but my thoughts are already on Emily. 

I look over to see her lying on the bed…having obviously been beaten pretty badly based on how she looks…and her clothes ripped in several places. She hasn’t said anything…and she hasn’t moved at all since we entered the room.

I approach her and reach for her hand…but get no response…no acknowledgment that she even realizes that I’m there…that any of us are there. 

I try talking to her…”Em…sweetie…it’s me…JJ…you’re ok…you’re safe now.”

I still get no response…and it’s then I see it…the blank expression on her face…as if she’s completely shut down…hidden within herself. Seeing her like this…nearly catatonic…has me completely terrified. 

I look back at the guys and finally notice that they are looking around the room…horror and confusion on each of their faces. I finally look around the room as well and notice dozens of pictures…images of various women…women Lucas claimed to have murdered because they reminded him of Emily. I know that we’ll need to find out if he was telling the truth about that or not…but right now…my concern is Emily.

“Guys…Emily needs help…we need the paramedics here NOW!” I yell…trying to get their attention. 

“Hotch already called them…they should be here in a few minutes. Rossi went outside to meet them. Has she said anything?” Morgan asks as he approaches where I’m crouched next to Emily. 

“No. She hasn’t said anything at all…she hasn’t moved…it’s like she doesn’t even realize where she is…or that any of us are even here. Morgan…I’m scared…I don’t know what Lucas said…or did to her…I’ve never seen her like this before.” I try to remain calm…but inside…my panic is rising. 

“Princess…you’re safe now…everything is going to be ok.” Morgan tries to reach Emily…holding her hand…giving it a gentle squeeze…but he doesn’t get any kind of response either. 

“She’ll be ok, JJ. She’s just in shock right now…we just have to give her a little time…that’s all.” Morgan says…trying to sound convincing. Though I’m not sure right now which one of us he is really trying to convince. 

I hear Rossi in the other room directing the paramedics to Emily “She’s right through that door.” 

The paramedics make their way over to Emily and one of them asks Morgan and I to move so they can work on Emily. I want to stay right next to her…but I know they need room to work…so I reluctantly move slightly to give them room to work. 

“Ma’am…my name is Rick…this is Maggie…we’re going to get you fixed up and get you to the hospital…ok?” I hear the paramedics start to talk. “Can you tell me what your name is?” 

Emily doesn’t respond. 

“Ma’am? Can you squeeze my hand for me…let me know you can hear me and understand what I’m asking you?” 

No response.

The paramedics look back over to Morgan and I and ask “Has she said anything?”

“No…she was talking before he brought her in here….a little while ago…but we didn’t see what happened to her in here…we don’t know what happened after she came into this room…what he did to her” I say as I point towards Lucas.

”She hasn’t said anything…to anyone…once we were able to get in here.” I continue…my panic continuing to rise. 

“We need to get her transported to the hospital…get her evaluated further there. It looks like she may have a broken wrist and some broken ribs…and possibly a head injury…but they’ll know more once they can run more tests there” The other paramedic states. 

“I’m going with you to the ER.” I reply to the paramedic before glancing at Morgan…”let Garcia know what’s going on…have her take Summer and meet us at the ER.”

The paramedics start to argue with me…but in seeing the look on my face…decide against it. I have no intention of letting Emily out of my sight…I told her I wasn’t going to run away from her…and I intend to prove that to her no matter what. 

I just started to get her back this morning...and get a brief glimpse of what our life together might be like. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that bastard take that away from us now. I just hope that whatever he said or did to her didn’t push her so far inside herself that I won’t be able to help her find her way back to me again.


	28. Calm Before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the kudos and reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…kudos and reviews keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter is a continuation of the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Make a habit of two things: to help; or at least to do no harm.” ~ Hippocrates

“Most things in life come as a surprise.” ~ Lykke Li  
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Chapter 28

“I’ll let you know more as soon as I can, but I really need to get back to Agent Prentiss right now…excuse me.” 

“Thank you” I nod in response as the doctor turns away from me and Morgan and walks back through the emergency room doors. 

Morgan puts his arm around me and guides me back to the small waiting room and sits beside me...his arm still tightly wrapped around me. “She’s strong JJ…she’ll be okay.”

I nod again…but I can’t seem to find the words to respond to him. I know he’s trying to put on a brave face for me…but I’m sure he’s just as worried as I am. I’m still trying to process what the doctor had told me and Morgan when I hear Garcia and Summer arrive. 

“What’s going on…how’s Em?” I hear Garcia say.

I look up to see Garcia and Summer watching both of us carefully. Summer watching my expression in particular. I try to respond but nothing comes out, so Morgan speaks up instead. “They’re prepping her for surgery right now…”

Before Morgan has a chance to explain more…Summer speaks up “Surgery! What for?”

Morgan glances over to me as if to find out if answering her is okay and I nod…it’s all I’m apparently able to do right now. 

He finally looks back up at Garcia and Summer and attempts to relay what the doctor had informed us just moments before. “She has a couple of broken ribs…one of them punctured her lung. They need to take her to the O.R. to repair that.”

“Why do I feel like there’s more you’re not telling me…or us…I guess?” Summer states as she glances over to Garcia. 

Morgan calmly replies… “She does have a couple of other injuries…but the doctor said her punctured lung was the one she was most concerned with for right now…and that she would come back after the surgery was over to give us an update.” 

He left out the rest of what the doctor had mentioned for now…about her possible head injury…her broken wrist…and most troubling for both Morgan and me…her still nearly catatonic state. 

“JJ…why haven’t you said anything? I know there’s more going on than what he said.” Summer continued as she glanced between Morgan and me. 

I look up at Summer and see determination in her eyes…she wants to know the truth. I’ve seen that look from Emily before. I instinctively know she won’t let this go…so I try again to find some inner strength…at least for her. “Sorry…I’m just worried…that’s all. Besides…none of us are that fond of hospitals…especially your…well…Emily.” 

I realize I was about to say ‘your mom’ but then realize that I’m the only person that knows about Summer being Emily’s daughter…and I’m not sure if I should be the one to disclose that particular secret. 

I watch as Garcia and Morgan shoot a look of confusion between one another and then back at me before Summer speaks up. “You figured out who I am…but you didn’t tell them yet…did you?” Summer glances at me before looking between Morgan and Garcia. 

“Yeah…I know…but no…I didn’t tell anyone else. I didn’t think it was my place. There had to be a good reason why Emily never told us. I don’t know what the reason was…but I trust her…and that’s good enough for me.” I finish still looking at Summer as I see her nod. 

I can’t help but notice the confusion on Morgan and Garcia’s face growing though. I know Summer can see it too. 

Finally…Morgan can’t take it anymore…his frustration getting the better of him and he asks “It’s Summer, right?” 

Summer nods but doesn’t say anything. 

Morgan continues on…”Will you explain to us what’s going on? How is it that you know Emily? It’s obvious JJ knows.” 

He glances in my direction…frustration mixed with a little anger crossing his face. He’s probably remembering a few weeks back…when I found out before the others that Emily was alive and didn’t tell the rest of the team. “We’re all her family…we just want to help.” 

Garcia nods in agreement and adds “Morgan’s right sweetie…we’re all worried about her. I can tell you really care about her. You said that you knew all of us already…we just want to know how you know all of us…and how you know Em.”

I watch as Summer glances between the three of us before asking a question that none of us were expecting. “Lucas is dead, right?”

Morgan can’t help but be surprised by the question, but answers simply “Yes.”

“Was he working alone? Did he have any help?…with any of what happened?” Summer replies…again surprising us with her question. 

Based on what I overheard…Lucas was her dad…and they hadn’t met until all of this happened, so I guess she would have no reason to feel bad about him being dead, but still. She seems almost too nervous and cautious about him. She didn’t mention being injured…and she seems okay. I’m sure Garcia had the paramedics take a look at her already…but I may try to get her alone and ask her…just in case. 

I guess if she was hurt…that might explain why she’s so nervous…otherwise I’m not sure. And I wonder why she would think he had help. Did Emily tell her something or is she just being extra careful given what’s already happened? Maybe something else happened to her or Emily before I got there. 

“From what we can tell…he was working alone. Why? Did he mention having help? Did you see anyone else when you were there?” Morgan asks. 

“No. I never heard him talk to anyone…or about anyone else. I never saw anyone else while I was there either. I just wanted to make sure.” Summer quietly replies. 

Morgan glances between Garcia and me and then back to Summer before cautiously asking “Summer…can I ask you a couple of questions?”

Summer nods. 

“How long were you with Lucas…before Emily got there?” 

“Uhhh…I’m not sure…I think a few hours. It’s all kind of a blur. Why?” Summer nervously replies. 

Morgan evades a direct answer and continues on with one of his own “Just trying to put a timeline together…where did Lucas find you? Do you remember what you were doing? What time and place you were at when he found you?” 

“Yeah…but he’s dead now, right? So…why does it matter?” Summer questions. 

“Just putting the pieces together…maybe we can figure out how long you were there. So where were you when he found you?” Morgan cautiously continues. 

“Uhhh…I was getting into my car…I had just left the library…it was closing up so I was going to head back home to finish up the rest of my homework and he snuck up behind me and put something over my mouth and nose and everything went dark…next thing I remember was waking up in that building.” 

“Did he threaten you or hurt you at all?” Morgan quietly asked. 

“No…” Summer glanced away from Morgan…”he just…he kept me tied up. He had my phone and kept making calls but whoever he was calling wasn’t answering. Then he would just walk around talking to himself. I couldn’t talk because I had tape over my mouth and he didn’t say anything to me either. I couldn’t really focus too much because I had a really bad headache…but other than that…I was fine. I tried to get away…but whatever he had me tied up with was too tight…so I was stuck there. It wasn’t until I heard him talking on the phone that I realized he was using me as bait to get Emily there…I tried to warn her…to stop her from coming…but she wouldn’t listen.” Summer stopped her explanation…on the verge of tears. 

Garcia stepped in…lightly rubbing Summer’s arm…“Shhhh…sweetie…it’s okay…you couldn’t have stopped Em. When she’s determined to help someone…no one is going to stop her. And Morgan…I had the paramedics check her out before we came over…they said she’s okay.” 

Summer flinched slightly at Garcia’s touch…but nodded and said “thanks…and I know I couldn’t stop her…but I knew she was walking into a trap too. I didn’t want her to get hurt because of me…because I wasn’t being careful enough. She had warned me to be careful…and I just didn’t listen…and now…” 

Morgan, still confused about the connection between Summer, Emily, and Lucas, asks “Summer…you still haven’t told us how it is that you know Emily…and why Lucas would target you to get to Emily?”

”I guess it’d make more sense if you knew who I was…and Lucas was one of the main reasons you don’t know who I am…well…him and Ian.”

“I’m confused sweetie…what do they have to do with Emily not telling us about you? Or what happened earlier?” Garcia steps in before Morgan can ask any more questions…confusion lacing her voice. 

“She knew how dangerous they both were…I never really understood it until the last year or so. First what happened with Ian…and now with what happened…with Lucas. She was trying to protect me from both of them. None of you knew about me because she thought it was safer for everyone that way. I had a hard time understanding that until recently…but now I do. With Ian dead…and all of his contacts dead or no longer a threat…the only person we had to worry about was Lucas. We thought he was in prison…until we found out a little while ago that he was released. That’s when she warned me that I needed to start being really careful…and I just didn’t listen. It’s also why I asked if he had any help. If he did…we might both still be in danger. I didn’t want to say anything unless I knew for sure…and I knew JJ wouldn’t say anything.”

Summer finished by glancing over at me and saying “and thank you for trusting her….but just so you know…she trusts you too…more than you know.”

“Ok…so…Emily thought that you would be in danger if we knew who you were…because of Ian and Lucas, right?” Morgan quietly asked. 

“Basically, yeah.” Summer nodded. 

“But now they’re both dead…so can you tell us who you are now, right? Please?” Garcia prompted. 

“I hope I’m doing the right thing…and I know she’s trusts you guys…so if anything goes wrong…you’ll help protect her, right?” Summer tentatively asks. 

“Absolutely! “ Morgan states without hesitation. 

“Well…I guess the first thing you should know was that Lucas was my father…though I just met him today…or last night I guess.” 

Garcia gasped…though she tried hard not to and Morgan was noticeably shocked…though he hid it much better than Garcia. 

“And Emily…”Morgan prompted. 

“She’s my mom.” Summer quietly stated. 

“She’s yo…your….your mom?” Garcia stuttered…”and that horrible man that did all of this…he was your father?”

“Yep. He didn’t know I even existed until recently…she had hoped he would never find out. When he found out she was pregnant with me…he beat her up real bad and threw her down a flight of stairs. He was trying to kill both of us. She let him think I died and then she disappeared. She never told anyone about me…other than our family…so that way I’d be safe from him. That’s why you didn’t know about me. I’m not sure how he found out the truth…but…I guess that’s not important now.”

“Wow…and she’s told you about all of us…that’s how you knew who we were?” Garcia replied. 

“Yeah…she talks about you guys all the time…and shows me pictures of all of you…especially you.” Summer glanced up quickly at me before she continued. “She wanted me to know who you all were. She hated lying and keeping things from you…but she thought it was the only way she could keep us safe.”

“Us?” Morgan asked.

“What?” Summer replied.

“You said ‘keep us safe’…what did you mean…us?” Morgan prompted.

Just as Summer was going to respond…Morgan reached into his pocket and took out his phone. “Sorry…I need to take this real quick. I’ll be right back.” He glanced between the three of us. 

“Garcia…could you get me a coffee? Summer…do you want anything to drink?” I ask…hoping for a minute alone with Summer before Morgan comes back. 

“Uhhh…yeah…coffee is fine for me too…thanks.” 

I watch as Garcia takes the not so subtle hint and says “I’ll be right back…come and get me if you hear anything though…okay?”

“Yeah…of course.” I quickly reply. 

“What’s going on, JJ? Why did you want to get rid of them? Is there more going on with mom than what you guys said before?” Summer quickly spit out. 

“We’ll know more about Em once the doctor finishes in surgery…but you’re right…I did want to talk to you alone for a minute.” I quietly reply. 

“Ok…what about?”

“A couple of things actually…the first one is that I need you to tell me if you were telling Morgan everything before…”

“What do you mean?”

“You said he grabbed you when you were getting into your car and that the next thing you remember was waking up in the building…and that nothing else happened…”

“Yeah…” Summer glanced away from me as she answered. 

I gently took her hands in mine as I asked “Sweetie…you can talk to me…did Lucas say anything to you that you didn’t want them to hear…or did he hurt you…at all?” 

I look up to see very familiar walls going up behind dark grey eyes…just like Emily does when she doesn’t want to talk…so I try to stop her from doing that before she’s unreachable…just like her mom. 

“Sweetie…please don’t shut me out…your mom does the same thing…you said you know she trusts me…and I hope you know that you can too. I want to help you.”

“Why?”

“Why? Well…I can tell how much you and your mom love each other…and she can’t be here to help…so I’m hoping that I can help you instead for now. And because I love your mom more than I ever thought possible and I know that she would want me to help you right now too. Besides…I really do care how you are and what happened to you…and do I want to help you.” 

“Mom was right about you…”

“What do you mean sweetie?”

“She told me once that you were different from anyone that she had ever met before…that you had this amazing ability to make everyone around you feel safe…feel better…just by being around them. That it had something to do with something inside you…some inner warmth or light or something like that. She said that she knew she could trust you right away…and she never trusts anyone. At first I thought she was full of it…that she just had some weird crush or something…but that wasn’t it…because I can kinda see it now too.”

“Thank you Summer…for saying that. I’m glad to know she felt that way…and I feel the same way about your mom. She always made me feel safe…made me feel better…just by being near her. She was different from anyone I had ever met before too…and I knew I could trust her from the first day we met…and I had never felt that way about anyone either.”

“I guess that means that the two of you are supposed to be together then.” Summer glances up…a soft smile playing across her face before she looks away. 

“Yeah…I think so too…but I also want to help you too…so please let me in…tell me if something else happened.”

“Can we just talk about it later…please?” Summer quietly asks.

“As long as we talk about it…keeping whatever it is bottled up inside will just make it worse. And as long as you promise me that you don’t need to have a doctor take a look at you right now. Your mom would never forgive me if you were hurt and I didn’t get you help when you needed it.”

“It’s nothing like that…I’m okay…the paramedics already checked me out. Besides…I don’t want to leave until they give us an update on mom.”

“Then I guess…for now…we can wait to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you. But I do want to help…and whatever it is…you can talk to me about it. I just want to be there for you…and your mom.”

“Thanks…was that what you wanted to talk to me about…or was there something else?” Summer quietly asked. 

“There was one other thing I wanted to talk to you about…before everyone else gets here.”

“Okay…what is it?”

“Well…when I was waiting to try and find a way in to help your mom…I overheard your mom and Lucas talking…and heard about some of their background and more about Em’s past. When you told Morgan that your mom was trying to protect you and keep you safe…you said ‘us’…you weren’t just talking about you and your mom…were you?”

“What do you mean?” Summer glances up at me…but quickly looks away.

“I overheard a lot about your mom’s past...I knew she was keeping a lot of secrets from me. We had just talked about that before everything happened. She said she didn’t know where to start explaining everything to me that she had kept from me for so long…but that she was going to try and figure out a way. Lucas ended up spilling some of those secrets before you mom could. One of them was about you…but you weren’t the only one I found out about today Summer…I heard Lucas talking about Chance too.” 

I watched as the expression on Summer’s face changed…from calm to shock in a matter of a few seconds. 

Why is it I have the same feeling as right before the Humvee I was riding in was hit a while back…like the calm right before a storm?


	29. The Reason Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: Violence towards a primary character is discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you. 
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter is a continuation of the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“We are not here to curse the darkness, but to light the candle that can guide us thru that darkness to a safe and sane future.” ~ John F. Kennedy

“Sometimes when you're overwhelmed by a situation - when you're in the darkest of darkness - that's when your priorities are reordered.” ~ Phoebe Snow  
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Chapter 29

“Damnit! How the Hell did he find out about him? Oh God! You didn’t say anything to anyone about him…did you?” Summer asked…slightly tentative. 

“No…it wasn’t my place to say anything about him either…but that’s what you meant when you said us…wasn’t it? You weren’t just talking about you and your mom…you were talking about you and Chance…right?” 

“That’s something that you really need to talk to her about…not me.” Summer looked away as she replied. 

“Summer…I need to know what’s going on. I can’t ask your mom right now…and I don’t want to bring it up when she first wakes up from surgery…but I do want to help her. Do they not get along or something?” 

“It’s not that…they get along great…it’s just complicated…our whole family is complicated. There’s a lot that you don’t know, JJ…that all of you don’t know. It’s not that she didn’t want to tell you about it…she just couldn’t.” 

“Was he…or is he…in some kind of danger too?” I ask…hoping that’s not the case. 

“Not anymore…with Ian and Lucas gone…our family should be safe now.” Summer quietly stated. 

“Then why do you still seem so sad? Your family is finally safe…that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I questioned…not understanding why something that should be good news would bother her. 

I understood that she might be having mixed emotions about her father being killed today…but something told me that was not what was bothering her. 

“Yeah…it is. It’s just really complicated. I just don’t know where we all go from here.” Summer looked back up at me as if she was trying to decide whether or not to ask me something…

I finally decided to make the decision for her by saying “what did you want to ask me Summer?” 

She chuckled softly before replying…”you know…you and mom are both really good at that profiling thing…”before continuing with a more serious tone…”does knowing about me…or Chance…does that change how you see my mom? How you feel about her?”

“What? Why would it sweetie?” I ask…genuinely confused by her question. 

“Well…I know my mom has had a thing for you for years…and from what mom’s told me…what you’ve done for her over the years…how close you two are…and just what I’ve seen today…well…you must like her too…at least I think you do. I just don’t want you finding out about me or her past to ruin whatever chance you two might have…that’s all.” Summer sadly whispered…looking away as she finished. 

I slowly reached for her chin…tugging at it gently until she was looking into my eyes. I recognized the same worry and sadness I had seen in Emily’s on countless occasions. She’s definitely Emily’s daughter. You could see it just by looking in her eyes. 

“Summer…finding out about you didn’t ruin anything…I promise. I don’t just like your mom…I love her…more than I ever thought possible…so you’re right about that. And I’m going to tell you the same thing I told her earlier…I’m not going anywhere. No secrets…nothing…will keep me away from her…not ever again.”

“You don’t have to say that.” Summer whispered…still not fully believing me. 

“Sweetie…I’m not just saying it…I mean it. In fact…if you’ll let me…I’d like to get to know you better. Chance too…and the rest of your family…if they’d want to meet me.” 

“Be careful what you wish for.” Summer muttered sarcastically. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I question…wondering why she went from sounding somewhat sad to sounding almost bitter. 

“Never mind…It’s not important.”

“If it’s important to you…then it’s important to me.” 

“Mom was right…you are really sweet. I think I’d like to get to know you better too.” Summer replied…trying to deflect the earlier question. 

“Thank you...I’d really like that…but sweetie…you didn’t answer my question. Why wouldn’t I want to get to know the rest of your family?”

“I told you before…it’s really complicated…and besides…what’s important now is mom. Did the doctor say how long her surgery would take?” 

“A few hours…” I reply as I glance up at the clock. 

It had been over two since I first arrived at the hospital with Emily. Over an hour since they took her back to the O.R. I prayed that the surgery was successful and that when she woke up…she would be back to her normal self…not the shell of the person she was when they brought her in. 

I hear the rest of the team arrive and come into the waiting room…taking various seats around the room. 

“Here you are ladies…it took me a little while to find some coffee that was acceptable to drink.” Garcia finished with a wink to both of us. 

Garcia sits beside me…whispering to me that she has filled in the team on who Summer is so that neither of us have to repeat the story again. Morgan filled in the rest of the team on what the doctor said so they’re caught up on that too. 

The next four hours are spent in almost complete silence. The occasional sound of Morgan or Rossi’s shoes scraping the floor as they continually pace back and forth…of Reid turning the pages of the books and magazine’s he’s read a dozen times…of Garcia typing on her computer…of Hotch periodically moving around…coming and going from the room to place or answer a phone call…of Summer…texting or tapping the screen on her phone…and of the clock ticking. The more time that passes…the louder each of the sounds become until they slowly start to drive me insane. 

In order to try and keep myself calm…I try to think back to earlier in the day. I try and remember the sound of Emily’s laugh…the feel of her arms wrapping around my waist…the feel of her soft kiss on my lips. 

But I can’t help but also remember the muffled sounds coming from the room she was in with Lucas…wondering what was happening inside…what he did to her to make her shut down so completely. 

Was there more I could have done? Should I have tried to go in sooner? Would that have helped or made things worse? She’s risked her life so many times trying to save other people…why is she always the one getting hurt?

The silence is finally interrupted by the sound of the doctor coming inside the waiting room. “You’re here for Agent Prentiss?”

We all immediately jump to our feet and rush over to the doctor…wanting to bombard her with questions…but she raises her hand…anticipating the questions she’s about to receive. “I’m Dr. Hayes…I know you all have a lot of questions…and I will try to answer the ones that I can…but first, I need to know if any of you are immediate family?”

Summer steps forward and tells the doctor “Yes. I’m her daughter…Summer. But you can talk to them. They’re her family too.” Summer glances back at all of us…but grasping tightly on to one of my hands. 

“Ok. Yes. I see you on her list of contacts. I just needed to make sure…privacy regulations and all. Agent Prentiss is out of surgery…she’s stable…she suffered three fractured ribs. One of those punctured her right lung. That, along with a couple of other injuries she sustained, caused some internal bleeding. We were able to repair all of the damage and replace the blood volume that she lost. She required a number of sutures and stitches and she also suffered a right wrist fracture. In addition, she appears to have suffered closed head injury. The scans we’ve done so far look promising…but the next 24-48 hours will be crucial for her recovery.” 

The doctor looked as though she wanted to say more…but when she looked at Summer…who appeared on the verge of tears…she softened her tone and gently took her other hand. “Your mom’s strong…she made it through surgery…that’s the most important thing.”

“Can I…can we…see her?” Summer glanced back at me. 

“They’re just bringing her back from surgery…and she’s heavily sedated right now…but I think I can let one or two of you see her right now…as long as you make sure you can keep calm and make sure she remains calm as well. The rest of you can see her a little later.” Dr. Hayes replied. “I’ll come back in a few minutes and get you when she’s settled in a room and able to have a couple of visitors.”

As everyone started to return to their seats in the waiting room…I watched as the doctor started to leave the room, I walked quickly to catch up with her…telling Summer I would be right back. “Uhhh…Dr. Hayes?”

“Yes…I’m sorry…I didn’t catch your name” she replied. 

“Agent Jareau…but you can just call me JJ.” 

“Ok…JJ…what can I do for you?”

“I could tell you wanted to say something else…but didn’t. You were worried about how Summer would react. What was it you didn’t say?” I glance back behind me to make sure Summer isn’t there. 

“Yes, you’re right. But…I’m not sure I can release that information to you. Since you’re not immediate family…it would be a violation of privacy regulations.” Dr. Hayes tried to argue…though not adamantly. 

“I realize that I’m not immediate family…but I am family…we all are. Summer told you so herself. Look…I was with her in the ambulance when she was brought in. I know there is more going on that what you told Summer. I know Emily wasn’t talking or anything when she came in…was that because of the head injury? Did something else happen? Please…I really need to know. I love her…I want to help her…I have to help her.” I pleaded with Dr. Hayes. 

“I’ll make an exception…but if anyone finds out I released this information to you…and not her daughter…I could get in a lot of trouble.” 

“They won’t hear it from me…I swear. Please…just tell me what you were keeping from Summer.”

“As for the reason Agent Prentiss…” Dr. Hayes started…but I interrupt. 

“Emily...call her Emily….please.”

“Ok…we can’t say for certain the reason Emily arrived in the ER in the somewhat catatonic state she was in. It could be due to the head injury…it could be due to some form of PTSD…or she may be suffering from some kind of dissociative state. Until she wakes up from the sedation from surgery and we are able to see what kind of state she is in then...and potentially complete another scan and/or complete a more thorough exam at that time…we won’t really know for sure.” Dr. Hayes stated…but acted as if she was debating on saying more. 

“There’s more…isn’t there?” I asked…not sure if I wanted to know the answer. 

“Unfortunately…yes. When the paramedics initially brought her in, they didn’t immediately notice some of her injuries, probably due either to her non-responsive state or her dark clothing that was masking some of her additional injuries. While prepping her for surgery, we noticed that Emily had sustained several deep puncture wounds…probably from a bladed instrument of some kind…a knife or something similar…in and around her pelvic area. Those wounds caused the additional internal bleeding I mentioned to all of you…but we were able to repair that as well. With that type of injury…I can’t say for sure…but it could explain some of the reason for her mental state when she arrived.”

“Oh God…” I feel like I’m going to pass out…or throw up…”are you saying that he…he…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence. 

“Based on the number of wounds and the pattern…I really couldn’t say.” Dr. Hayes replied…slight sadness tinting her voice. 

That’s what happened when she was out of my sight…when he drug her to that other room. What he did to her to make her hide so far within herself…why she was so closed off…unreachable.

“You said you were able to repair the damage…Did he do any permanent damage…or were you able to fix everything?” 

I hope he didn’t do anything that will cause permanent damage.

“At this point…it looks like it’s nothing permanent…at least physically. Though, it will take time to heal and we’ll need to monitor her condition carefully for infections and things of that nature. As for her mental state…only time will tell.” Dr. Hayes stated softly. 

Good God…no wonder Dr. Hayes didn’t want to tell Summer about this. I feel like I’m going to pass out and I deal with this kind of thing at work all the time. Granted it isn’t someone I care about or love…deeply…with all of my heart…that I’m dealing with…but still. 

“I really do need to get back and check on Emily now…I’ll be back in a few minutes to let you know when you and Summer can go see her.” Dr. Hayes softly states as she turns and walks away.

I absent-mindedly say “thank you” to the doctor as I turn to walk back to the waiting room where the others are already at, only to bump into Hotch. 

“JJ…what else did the doctor have to say? I could tell she left some things out…because of Summer.” Hotch quietly stated after checking to ensure Summer was still in the waiting room. 

On the verge of tears I try to relay what the doctor just informed me and Hotch pulls me into a hug…whispering to me “She’s strong JJ…and she has all of our support. I’ve already cleared it so that you can be here with her for as long as you need.” 

“Thanks Hotch.” I quietly respond. 

Trying to take the focus off of what I just heard, I try to change the subject slightly and ask “have we found out anything about the photos of those women yet?”

“I’ve had Garcia running all of the information we were able to locate while we were waiting. Hopefully we can find out something soon. Lucas may have just been using those photos to taunt Emily or they could be real victims. Until we get a positive ID on them, we won’t know anything for sure.” Hotch quietly finishes. 

“God…I hope he was lying and that he really didn’t kill all of those women.” I whisper sadly as we both make our way back into the waiting room. 

Just as we enter, Garcia stands and comes over to the two of us. She whispers that she found out something about one of the women, but that she needs to talk to all of us…away from Summer. Confused, Garcia tells me that she’ll explain as soon as she can, but that she can’t say anything right now…not where Summer might hear us talking. 

I walk over to Summer and say “I need to talk to the rest of the team for just a sec…but we’re going to be right outside in the hall. The doctor should be back to let us know when it’s okay to go see Emily. Will you be okay for a few minutes while I talk to them?”

“It’s not about mom…nothing else happened, did it?” Summer worriedly asks. 

“No sweetie…just some work stuff.” 

“Ok…yeah…I’ll be okay.” 

“Ok…I’ll be right back.” I softly reply as I walk back into the hall to rejoin Hotch, Garcia, and the rest of the team that have now joined us in the hall. “Ok…what’s going on? What did you need to talk to us about that Summer couldn’t hear?” I ask Garcia.

“I was able to positively ID all of the photos. One of the women worked for Emily’s family until Emily was 15 and then was fired. Emily and her family knew her…and Hotch…she died the same year Summer was born.” Garcia started. 

“Could that have been the trigger?” Morgan asked. 

“I don’t think so…Summer said that Lucas didn’t find out about her until recently.” I quietly state.

“JJ’s right…I think this has more to do with Emily than Summer. Go on Garcia…what else did you find out?” Hotch questions. 

“Well…the police thought the circumstances around her death appeared somewhat suspicious but it was eventually ruled a suicide…but here’s the real kicker…her name was Lauren Reynolds…the same name that Emily used when she was on her undercover assignment with Ian. I’m no profiler, but that makes me think that Emily must’ve been pretty close to her. I can’t find any information about why she was fired though…hopefully Em can tell us more when she wakes up.” Garcia finishes. 

I glance over at Morgan…knowing he saw how Emily was when she was brought in…”Baby Girl…we may need to wait on asking Em anything about this woman for a little while…give her some time. Let’s see what we can find out without having to ask her…” Morgan quietly responds. 

“Ok…I’ll keep digging on that…” Garcia responds. “As for the rest of the photos, this Lauren woman was the only one with direct ties to Emily, but she also appears to be the first victim. Unfortunately, all of the women are dead…and they all died under mysterious circumstances, but their deaths were eventually ruled as either suicide, accidental, or unexplained/unknown causes.”

Surprisingly…Reid didn’t interject any statistics on how many women die each year from each of those…but instead managed to hold back and just listen intently to the conversation. I think he was still just trying to process all of the new information he had just learned…like the rest of us. 

“Sounds like we need to find out from Emily or her parents who this Lauren Reynolds was…why she was fired…and how Lucas knew about her. Maybe if we can find that out…we’ll be able to find out how he was able to choose his other victims and make sure that there were no other victims out there he forgot to mention or that he claimed to have killed that really were suicide or accidental deaths…ones he just wanted to make us all believe he killed.” Rossi quietly replied. 

“I have a feeling there is more to this whole thing that what we know right now…and the families of those that Lucas may have killed deserve to know the truth either way. JJ…can you find out if Summer has contacted the Ambassador or anyone else to let them know Emily is here? We’ll need to talk to them about this Lauren Reynolds woman…but we’re obviously going to need to handle this as discreetly as possible.” Hotch stated. 

“Uhhmmm…yeah…I can check. I know she was on her phone earlier…I don’t know if she was texting someone in her family or doing something else…but once we have a chance to check on Em…I’ll ask.” I distractedly reply. 

If Em saw a picture of someone she knew…someone she cared about…on top of everything else…especially given what the doctor said happened to her…what Lucas did to her in that room. If she thought she was the reason someone she cared about was murdered. God! She may have hidden so far inside herself this time to block something like that out…or blamed herself for that…it may take a miracle to reach her. I just pray that I’m able to. 

I’m not going to give up on her no matter what…no matter how long it takes…I can’t lose her…I won’t. I just have to make her see that none of this was her fault. I just hope she is capable of hearing me when I try to talk to her…not like she was earlier…completely shut down and shut off from everyone and everything around her. 

My internal worry and panic are interrupted when Dr. Hayes walks up to me “You and Summer can go see Emily now.”

I walk over to the door to the waiting room and make eye contact with Summer and ask “are you ready?”

Summer jumps up and walks quickly over to me…grasping tightly to my hand. We follow Dr. Hayes to Emily’s room stopping just before we enter. Dr. Hayes explains the various machines that Emily is attached to…in an effort to minimize our surprise before we walk in. She slowly opens the door for us and I feel Summer tightly grasp my hand as we walk through the door together. 

I take a deep breath to slow my rapidly beating heart…trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead. Please let her be okay!


	30. Come Back To Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> A/N: Violence towards a primary character is discussed in this chapter. Please be forewarned if that is troubling for you. 
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the Kudos and Reviews. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…Kudos and Reviews keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter is a continuation of the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“I would say she’s in the place where the river of time runs into, where the holograms go when they disappear into the air, she is neither completely dreaming, nor fully awake.” ~ Annie Fisher

“This is how it feels when you're bent and broken, This is how it feels when your dignity's stolen  
When everything you love is leaving, You hold on to what you believe in.” ~ Skillet – “Not Gonna Die”  
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Chapter 30

As we quietly make our way into the room, I feel Summer’s grip on my hand tighten even more and then I hear a sharp gasp. I have yet to look at Emily, but when I hear the gasp coming from Summer, I immediately look up to see what has caused her reaction and notice the woman I love hooked to dozens of machines, looking even paler than I can ever remember anyone looking before, and I have to stifle a gasp myself. 

Summer stops in her tracks and I have to help steady her…in an effort to keep her from falling on the spot. The doctor had tried to prepare us for what we would see when we came in, but hearing it and seeing it are two completely different things. Emily is hooked up to an IV stand with multiple different bags of medicine flowing through her, a ventilator helping her breath, various monitors keeping track of her heart rate, blood pressure, temperature, and other vital signs, a drain tube for her lung, and she’s wrapped in various bandages and a cast is on her right arm. If she were any paler, she could almost blend in with the stark white sheets that were engulfing her small, now fragile body. 

I tug gently at Summer’s hand and pull her with me to Emily’s bedside as I reach down and brush a small errant strand of hair behind Emily’s ear and lean down to press a soft kiss on her forehead. 

“Emily…sweetheart. It’s JJ. I’m here and you’re safe now. I’m never going to leave you and I promise I’m never going to let anyone hurt you ever again. Summer is here with me. We both need for you to wake up and let us know that you can hear us and that you’re going to be okay. We both need you. Please baby…please wake up. Show me those beautiful brown eyes of yours…let me know you’re ok.” I finish by gently taking one of Emily’s hands in mine and lightly squeezing it.

Summer moves to the other side of the bed and leans down and places a gentle kiss on Emily’s cheek and whispers “Mom? Can you hear me? Please wake up. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you before. I know you warned me to be careful and I just didn’t listen. I’m so sorry you got hurt trying to help me…please wake up and tell me you forgive me…please. I need you…I love you so much…I can’t lose you…” the last part of her plea tapers off into a soft sob as she gently takes Emily’s casted hand and sits in the chair next to the bed. 

“Summer…sweetie…your mom doesn’t blame you…I already know that…so please don’t blame yourself. You have nothing to be forgiven for…I promise you. She loves you and she wouldn’t want you to feel guilty because she chose to help you. That is just who she is.” I say as gently but firmly as possible. I just hope Summer believes me. 

Summer just nods…but then asks “How could he do this to her? Why did he hate her so much? How could someone be that mean…that evil?”

“I don’t know sweetie…I really don’t. Your mom definitely didn’t deserve this…she is one of the sweetest…most kind, loving, generous people I’ve ever met. Something inside of him just wasn’t wired right.”   
“Does that mean I’ll turn out like him someday?” Summer asks…a slight hint of sadness and fear tinting her voice. 

“No…absolutely not! I can already tell that you are nothing like him. You don’t just look like your mom…but you act a lot like her too. From what I can tell…the only difference between the two of you…that I’ve seen…is that you have grey eyes and your mom has brown…that…and you are obviously younger…but otherwise…the two of you could be twins.”

“Now I know you’re just trying to be nice.” Summer mumbles…thinking I can’t hear her. 

“Why would you say that?” I ask…genuinely confused by her comment. 

“Everyone is always talking about how beautiful and elegant and strong my mom is…I’m none of those things.”

“Summer…from just the short amount of time that I’ve been around you…I can guarantee you that you are strong and elegant…and you are definitely just as beautiful as your mom. Why would you think that you aren’t?”

“Because I have a mirror and I can see what I look like for myself. Besides…I hear what other people say when they think I can’t hear them…I know what they say to my face…and what they say behind my back. I am constantly hearing everyone say things like ‘too bad she’s not as pretty as Emily’…or ‘wonder if she’ll be as pretty as the other women in her family someday’…or my favorite…’maybe she was adopted…might explain why she’s not as pretty as the rest of them”…you know…stuff like that.”

“Oh God sweetie…I’m sorry you’ve had to hear stuff like that…but trust me when I tell you that they couldn’t be more wrong…you are definitely as beautiful as your mom. If other people can’t see that…then that’s their problem…not yours.” I respond. 

I honestly can’t believe someone…anyone…would tell this beautiful young woman that she wasn’t pretty enough…what the Hell is wrong with people? I feel like kicking whoever’s ass it is that made her doubt herself like that. Maybe I can get her to tell me who it was…so I can do just that. Kick their asses. But that reminds me…I know she can’t be over 18…so I have to wonder where she’s been living…and who she’s been living with…she obviously can’t be living on her own. Hotch asked me to find out if the Ambassador or anyone else from Emily’s family knew she was here. Maybe now is a good time to ask. 

“Summer…sweetie…I never asked you exactly how old you were…and I didn’t hear Emily mention it. I assume you aren’t 18…and the hospital or Dr. Hayes may need to talk to someone over 18 at some point. How old are you?”

“16. I’ll be 17 soon though. But Dr. Hayes said I was on my mom’s list of emergency contacts…that should be good enough…right?”

“For most things…it probably will…but in case it isn’t…have you told anyone else in your family what is going on? I assume you live with someone else in your family. Someone has to be worried about you…about you not being home since all of this started. Did you let anyone else know what was going on?” I gently ask. 

“Yeah…I texted a couple of people while we were in the waiting room so they would know where I was and what was going on with mom.” Summer quietly replied. 

“Was it Chance? Or the Ambassador? Are you living with one of them? Are they who you texted while we were waiting?” I ask…trying to get more information from Summer…who seems reluctant to divulge too many details at this point.

“All of my grandparents are out of town right now…but when I told them about mom and me and what happened with Lucas, they said they were coming back…so they’re all on their way here now. I’m not sure how long it will take them to get here though. I told Chance too…so he knows…and he should be getting here before too long. I know he wants to see mom too. Now that you know about him…I knew it was only a matter of time before we would need to let everyone else know about him. I let a couple of other people know too. I guess if I need to…I can ask one of them to come in. If the doctor needs to talk to someone over 18…besides me or Chance...in case he’s not on the emergency contact list. I assume he would be…but since I didn’t see the list…I don’t know who’s on it and who isn’t.” Summer finishes. 

“Other than your grandparents and Chance…who else did you talk to? You said you told a couple of other people…are they part of your family too or just friends?” I ask…my curiosity peaked since Emily’s mom and dad…Declan…Summer…and Chance were the only people that I could think of that would be considered as part of Emily’s family.

“I’ll explain it later…if I need to. I told you before that our family is really complicated…and I really don’t want to have to be the one to try and explain it all if I don’t have to. Some of it I don’t really understand myself…it would be better if it came from mom anyway.” 

Summer glances sadly over at Emily. “I hope she wakes up soon…so no one else has to get involved in all of this.” She quietly trails off. 

“Me too sweetie…” I reply. “You mentioned Chance being on the emergency contact list…I assume you said that because he’s over 18, but you didn’t say how old he was…How old is Chance exactly?” I inquire. 

“He just turned 20. Why?” Summer asks. 

“Well…if he is on that list…then they may not have to contact anyone else if they need to speak with someone over 18. How long before he gets here?”

“He should be getting here in about 30 minutes…maybe less. Do you really think they’ll need to talk to him…instead of me? Is there more going on with mom than what you told me before…there is…isn’t there?” 

“No sweetie…it’s just…well…your mom was a little out of it when they brought her in here earlier. They think it may have something to do with that bump on the head she got…but we won’t know for sure until she wakes up. So just in case she’s a little out of it when she first wakes up…don’t be upset or worried. But…that’s why I asked…they may need to talk to someone over 18 for some of the tests they would want to run on her…that’s all.” I try my best to downplay the serious nature of Emily’s mental state…and I leave out the injuries and the photos that we found as well. 

I don’t want to further traumatize Summer…but still I need to make sure she isn’t altogether unprepared if Emily is still unresponsive when she wakes up. God…I hope that isn’t the case…but I don’t need Summer shutting down on me too if that does happen. 

I am lost in that thought when I hear a quiet snick of the door behind me and notice Summer glance up…gently releasing Emily’s hand as she rushes towards the door leading into the room. I glance back over my shoulder to see a tall young man with nearly black hair and piercing blue eyes hovering near the doorway. Summer engulfs him in a hug and breaks down in tears. I hear the young man whispering to her…as he returns the hug. He grasps her hand and slowly walks towards me and Emily. He reaches out his hand…and introduces himself. His smooth…baritone voice catches me off-guard for a moment. 

“It’s nice to meet you JJ…I’m Chance.” He pulls my hand up and softly kisses the back of my hand before releasing it. “My mom speaks very highly of you. Summer does too.” He finishes before moving to the other side of the bed…where Summer had been sitting and leans over to place a soft kiss on Emily’s forehead…much like I did earlier. 

“Mom…I’m here now. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to protect you and Summer…or JJ…from that bastard…but I will protect you now. No one will ever hurt you again. No one will ever hurt any of you again. You have my word. All you have to do now is fight your way back to us. I know you’re scared…we’re all scared too. I know that you’re scared of coming back and facing everything…but we’re terrified of facing life without you in it. Please don’t make us face that…please hear us and find your way back to all of us that need you…please mom.”

“Chance is right mom…please come back to us…we love you and need you.” Summer pleads. 

I watched in amazement as this young man…one that looked so imposing…one that could easily have been a bodyguard…or a bouncer…or maybe special ops in the military suddenly looked like a scared child clinging to his mother. Such an amazingly fast turnaround in his personality…but one that I probably should have expected…and would’ve expected had I known more about their relationship before today. They obviously were close…just like Emily and Summer. 

I just wished Emily had told me about both of them. I wished I would’ve met them sooner and been able to witness the bond they all had before today. Both of them obviously needed Emily as much as I did...still do. I knew that I needed her in my life…but sitting there watching her son and daughter cling so helplessly on to her hand…fighting back tears…I could see how desperately they needed her as well. I just hope she could hear us all pleading with her to fight to come back to us…telling her how much we needed her…how much we loved her…how none of us would give her up without a fight. 

“Listen to your kids baby…we all need you…we all love you…please come back to us” I softly whisper in Emily’s ear as I place another soft kiss on Emily’s forehead and sit back down holding her hand…carefully watching over the love of my life…waiting for any sign that she’s going to return to me…to us.


	31. Lost in the Catacombs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***This chapter is a continuation of the second “part” of the story***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“"When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

“There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save.” ~ Isaac Asimov  
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Chapter 31

I feel like I’m caught between sleep and a dream…stuck in that moment right before you fully wake…when you try to go back to sleep…to remember what it was you were dreaming about but everything is mixed up in your head. So…I reluctantly decide to wake up…but in doing so…I find that I have to struggle to open my eyes. Then I realize I’m not home and I begin to become confused. I realize I have no idea what’s going on. I try to figure out where I am. What happened? When did I fall asleep? When I finally do manage to fully open my eyes and take in my surroundings, none of my questions are answered. In fact…I’m even more confused than I was when I first woke up. 

For some reason, I seem to be back at the house I lived in when I was a teenager in Italy. But this is a room I don’t remember ever seeing before…yet I still know it’s a part of that house. How did I end up here…and why?

It’s looks like old dusty office of some kind…there are cobwebs and dust on almost every surface…a large desk…filing cabinets and folders everywhere…a couple of big chairs and one old creepy looking door in the far corner of the room. The room is dark and something you might see in a horror movie…but I don’t feel scared here…just curious about why I’m here...and how I got here. I keep looking around and notice the room doesn’t seem to have any windows where I can see outside…it must be an interior room. 

Then I notice something…or rather someone… is here with me…my childhood friend Matthew. He walks up and wraps me in a big bear hug saying “thought you’d never wake up…damn…when you take a nap…you really take a nap.”

My confusion grows exponentially. My memory is starting to come back in bits and pieces now…and the last thing I remember was being in that building with Lucas…hoping that JJ and Summer were safe…and trying to find a way to break free of the bindings that were holding me to that chair. How did I end up here? What the Hell is going on? Did something go wrong? Am I dead? Matthew died a few years ago. Why am I not scared to see him? Aren’t most normal people scared when they see a ghost…or whatever it is that Matthew is now? 

“Look…I know you have a ton of questions Em…I can hear your thoughts now. First…JJ and Summer are safe…but they’re definitely worried about you. In fact, from time to time…you may even be able to hear them…other people too. Second…you aren’t dead like me…at least not yet. You have a little time to decide that one. You’re in a kind of limbo between life and death. I guess you could call me your guide or whatever. I’m here to help you work out some stuff that’s keeping you stuck here” Matthew starts his explanation. 

“As for Lucas…well…he is dead…probably burnt to a crisp by now…bastard. As for you…He messed you up pretty bad before he died…which is why you’re here. He told you some horrible stuff before he died…did some horrible stuff to you….and you pulled the same trick you’ve done for years….hiding inside yourself to get away from what he was saying and doing. Problem was…this time when you hid…you hid a little too far…and now you are kind of stuck here…inside your head…in this weird limbo” Matthew continues on with his explanation…taking a seat in one of the chairs in the room. 

“Until you work some things out…sort through some of your messy compartments…reorganize some of your past…you won’t be able to move on…anywhere. I’ll try to help you sort through some of it…or at least point you in the right direction…as much as I can. The rest is up to you” Matthew finishes by looking at me…a hint of sadness in his eyes. 

“Not that I’m not thrilled to see you Mattie…but why are you the one helping me? And why the Hell am I back here…in Italy? I don’t remember this room…but for some reason I still know it’s part of the house I lived in with my parents in Italy…how is that even possible?” I fire off questions in rapid succession. My confusion as to what is going on after Matthew’s explanation has still not cleared up. 

“Well…I’m the one helping you because I’m the only one on the other side that knows almost everything about you…and as for why you are back in Italy…technically, you aren’t. We’re both really just inside your mind…inside that maze of compartments that you’ve built up over the years. You just hid so deeply inside your mind you ended up getting lost in here. But…since I’m dead…a ghost if you will…I was able to find where you were hiding…something no one else…including you…would’ve been able to do.” Matthew tries to explain more about what is going on. 

I start to ask a question…but Matthew continues on…”as for why we’re in a room that looks like one from your old place back in Italy…well…that should be obvious. That’s where everything started to fall apart for you…where everything changed for you. You know that as well as I do. You thought your life was going really well until you were in Italy and realized not everything was what it seemed…right? You knew your family wasn’t like everyone else’s…but you were in such a state of denial that you couldn’t see the forest for the trees. But in Italy…everything changed. Italy was where you started compartmentalizing everything…where your whole personality changed. I saw you change right in front of me. But…If you don’t believe me…take a look over there” Matthew finishes by pointing to a large stack of files that are near an open filing cabinet. 

I slowly walk to the files and notice that each one is marked with a different label…in my own handwriting. The labels are various secrets that I’ve kept over the years…ones that I stored away hoping to never think about again. Some…in all reality…I thought I’d put away forever and some I had completely forgotten about entirely. 

I glance around the room and notice that there are dozens of filing cabinets in this room and too many file folders to even attempt to count. Some of the cabinets are closed…some have locks on them…tape around them…shoved into dark corners of the room. Some of the cabinets are open with the files spilled out onto the floor...others look like they are completely empty. Either they haven’t been used or the files within them have been removed for some reason. 

“This place is a mess…it looks like a tornado went through here…all of these files and cabinets are everywhere.” I state…genuinely confused by what I’m looking at. 

Matthew softly chuckles. “These are all of your memories and secrets Em…ones you have tried so hard to keep locked away from everyone else. The ones scattered everywhere are those secrets that have gotten away from you or someone has found out about. You know how you’ve been feeling like your walls and compartments have been out of sorts or breaking? Now you can actually see why…these ‘secret’ files of yours are a mess…” Matthew finishes. 

“I never took ‘I’ll file that away and never think about it again’ literally…but I guess looking at all of this…it kinda makes sense. But...Well...yeah…I guess seeing it… I probably should have. But…what am I supposed to do with all of these files now? Am I just supposed to put them back in these cabinets? Is that how I fix everything…help me fix my compartments and make it easier for me? Then what? I go back to my life with the rest of my secrets back in place where they were before? Where they’re supposed to be?” I ask…hoping it’s that easy to fix the compartments and walls I had built up that I knew were starting to break before everything happened with Lucas. 

“No Em…you have to sort through what’s inside of those files and cabinets. Inside one of the files is the map for the maze inside your head…the way out of the catacombs of your mind…the proverbial key you need to unlock your mind and get out of this room…through that door over there.” I watch as Matthew points to the door on the far side of the room. “Inside this room you’re safe…at least for now. That door is the only way out of here. You’ll have to sort through all of these files until you find the right one…once you do…you’ll be able to leave here.”

“What’s on the other side of the door? More cabinets and more files?” I sarcastically reply. 

“No Em…on the other side of that door is where you make your choice…whether you stay on Earth with your family and friends…or you go with me…baggage free…on to Heaven.” Matthew finishes with a smile.

“Why can’t I just decide now? Why would I have to go through all of this just to open that door?” 

“You could go through that door now if you really want. But I wouldn’t do that if I were you. You’re safe in here with me…but even I couldn’t find you out there. Without that map…you’ll be lost forever in the catacombs of your mind. Whatever it was that Lucas said or did to you to make you hide so far inside yourself…so deep inside your mind…you’re going to need that map to find your way back out. To be able to move on…either back to your family and friends or on with me. Either way though…you have to get rid of your past baggage first.” Matthew replies. 

Before I have a chance to ask anything, Matthew continues on. “Besides…you need to be able to see the good as well as the bad first…before you will be able to make the best decision. Not all of those cabinets are full of bad stuff…some of it is really good too. But you won’t know until you sit down and start sorting through it all. I’ll help you sort through some of it…work through some of the harder stuff…but I can’t tell you what decision to make or how to feel about any of it. I’m just here to help guide you…and maybe help you relive some of the memories in case you don’t remember exact details or want to see more of it again.” 

“What if I don’t want to relive any of it? What if I just want to stay here with you?” I ask…terrified for the first time since I woke up here about what might be in those files. 

“Sorry Em…but your time here is limited…and so is mine. If you don’t go through those files or you can’t find that map in time…the decision will be made for you. I’m not sure what that decision will be…but knowing how much you like to be in control of everything…I assume you’d rather make that choice yourself instead of leaving it up to someone else.” Matthew explains. 

“What would the decision be if I can’t make it in time? And who would be the one to make it?” I ask. 

“It’s better not to ask who would be making that decision. As for what would be decided…I suppose you could end up moving on to Heaven…you could…I suppose…be sent on in the other direction…though I doubt that would happen. You might be stuck in some dark abyss…like a permanent state of limbo…or you could be pushed out of here and forced to wander around in the catacombs of your mind…where you chose to hide out. In all honesty…I really couldn’t say for sure what would happen. All I can say is that you’ll be much better off if you just go through those files and sort through your past. You’ve already lived it once…reading about won’t be as hard as having to live it…and you already survived living through all of it. Besides…this time…I’ll be right here with you to help you.” Matthew finishes.

I swallow the lump in my throat as I reach for the file on the top of the stack…taking a seat next to Matthew. As I read the label…my heart starts to race. I know what’s contained in this file but I still can’t help but feel as though this may not be the best idea. Though based on what Matthew said…it’s apparently the only option I have at this point. The file is labeled “The Truth about Mom and Dad”. I think to myself ‘well…here goes nothing’ as I slowly open the file.


	32. The Argument

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews, kudos, and feedback keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams.” ~ Jeremy Irons

“You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.” ~ Stanislaw Jerzy Lec  
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Chapter 32

The first thing I noticed when I opened the file was that this was unlike any normal file I’d ever seen. It wasn’t just filled with papers or contents that could simply be read through and filed away. It was as if opening this file was opening a window to my past…a past that contained a story…my story. The label inside this folder...the one that had “The Truth about Mom and Dad” on the front of it…had the words ‘Memories…ongoing’ written on it…as well as “(see other files for more specific details pertaining to certain events)”. 

Inside the first file, I catch the first glimpse of a memory of my past. It provides me with a clue that going through these files won’t be as easy as simply reading bland list of facts, but instead reading…or reliving…a long personal narrative. 

Everyone on the team picked on me for how picky I am about my case files…guess I’m just as picky with the way I file things away in my mind too. I guess that means it should be easier to keep track of the files, or why it was so difficult to “file” things away when my mind started racing. I must have been looking for where to file something away…or looking for the right place to file something. The problem is now…it means it could take longer to find that map Matthew was talking about. 

Just when I thought my perfectionist…controlling nature would be an asset…it bites me in the ass. More damn files to sort through. Who knew I’d need a map to find my way out of my own mind? Oh well…guess I might as well start reading and see where this story starts so I know what I’m working with here. 

I start reading the first few lines and it hits me…this story…or I guess memory…starts right after another one of those awful parties my parents would have, where I would paraded around like a show pony for their friends, other wealthy socialites and aristocrats, as well as well-connected politicians. 

My mother would hire someone to make sure I was dressed appropriately before any function and knew what to say to any dignitaries or special guests that would be attending, to ensure she would not be embarrassed by some incorrect comment I made to anyone attending. 

Otherwise, it was always my “job” to be polite, well-mannered, and blend into the background unless someone asked me a direct question. My parents and I would smile for a proper photograph which would appear somewhere in the local society news, sit down for a much too formal dinner, and then I would be excused. 

When I was finally excused, so that my parents could be rid of me and spend time with those they were actually interested in spending time with, I could either spend time with other children of those attending or to return to my room and do homework. That way…the adults could attend to more formal business and I would be out of the way…since I had already put in my obligatory appearance as the well-behaved daughter…and my parents made it appear to those around them as well-rounded, loving, thoughtful parents. 

On this particular night, none of my friends (those that also had family that were dignitaries, ambassadors, or socialites like Matthew or John) weren’t going to be there, but someone else was…the person that I was looking forward to seeing was my language teacher Lauren. 

When my parents had moved to Italy a year or so prior, it was expected that I learn Italian, which I had (among keeping up with all of the other languages I had already learned prior to moving to Italy). The problem was that my parents felt I needed to learn even more languages as another move was imminent, and being fluent in the next language was vital to fitting in at my mother’s next posting. 

Unfortunately, my mother wasn’t sure if she would be posted in Russia, somewhere in the Middle East, or in Greece, so it was decided (by my parents…not me)…that a Language teacher was needed to help me learn all of the languages I might need. 

Lauren was hired to help me learn all of them, as she was fluent in all of those languages as well as English, and her family was looking to make a good impression on my parents Lauren’s family were what my parents called “new money” and they were looking to make a good impression on my parents…as well as climb the social and political ladders. 

Other than one housekeeper my parents employed a few years earlier, Isabella, and some of the kitchen staff, I had never really been close to any of the staff my parents employed. Most did their jobs but didn’t interact with me at all…other than on my birthday, graduations, or holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas when they would bring me dinner or a present…with a note from one or both of my parents saying they were sorry they weren’t there…but they had important business to attend to. 

Whichever unfortunate staff member brought the food or gift always looked sad…but they usually left in a hurry. They were probably afraid I would start crying or something. I stopped crying when my parents stopped showing up for important events around the time I turned six or seven. I realized by that time they simply would not be there and birthdays and holidays just weren’t important. 

Some of the kitchen staff would teach me how to cook things from time to time, and I learned a lot from one in particular that stayed with us for quite some time. I became a very good chef because of him. Also, the one housekeeper we had when I was younger was really nice, Isabella, and I really liked her, but my mother fired her when I was 10 or 11 and she just vanished. She didn’t even say goodbye. 

That was the only one of the staff I was bothered by when they left. The rest would come and go and I didn’t pay much attention. With Isabella though, since I was closer to her, I tried asking my mother about what happened and where she went. My mother got very upset with me and told me to never mention her again…so I didn’t…though I thought her reaction was odd. 

As for Lauren…she was just a few years older than me, so I was excited to have someone working for us…and me in particular…that was so close to my age. I was worried at first that she wouldn’t like me or that we wouldn’t get along since it was hard for me to make friends (Matthew and John being my only real friends in Italy), but Lauren and I had immediately hit it off. We liked all of the same things…music…books…art…movies. She even managed to get past my extremely shy, nerdy, quirky personality. 

She said she thought it was cute and that I was funny. I remember the first time she complimented me I blushed. I didn’t realize it then...because no one was ever really complimentary to me…or paid attention to me at all for that matter…but I soon realized I had a major crush on Lauren.

Not being around many other kids my age and not being friends with those I was around…except Matthew and John…I didn’t recognize what I was feeling at first. When I did…it terrified me. My family was ultra-religious and any impropriety was thought of as something worthy of capital punishment. My parents were perfectionists. In my eyes…at least up to that point…they appeared to do everything impeccably. They always acted, spoke, and behaved honestly, with integrity, and according to the Bible. 

How would they react to their daughter having a crush on a girl? I tried to ignore it…ignore my feelings for her. But the more I did that…the more I was drawn to her…the more I was attracted to her. The harder I tried to stay away from her…the more I wanted to be around her. It was both infuriating and exhilarating at the same time. 

The night of the party, once I was excused, I made my way to my room and Lauren was waiting for me. I had really been looking forward to seeing her…not just because I hated my parent’s parties, but because of the crush I had on her for several months. By that point…I had all but given up on fighting my crush…but I had also mostly given up on Lauren ever feeling anything for me but friendship either. 

I remember when I first met Lauren…I thought she was really pretty. She had the most beautiful blue eyes…stunning long blonde hair…and the sweetest smile I’d ever seen. When she smiled…it literally warmed my heart. By the night of the party…I realized I had more than a little crush on her…but I had no idea what Lauren thought about me…whether she just saw me as some kid she had to teach…as a friend…or if she liked me too…but it really didn’t matter. Just seeing her made me feel better…like someone actually cared. 

On top of that, I had picked up on some extra tension at the party that night…more so than usual…and I had hoped that seeing Lauren would take my mind off of whatever was going on with my parents and their party. 

I had walked into my room, expecting to find books and other stuff Lauren used to help me learn the different languages, but instead I just found Lauren sitting on the bench next to my window. When I walked in the room, she smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. 

She asked me how I was doing…the first time anyone seemed to genuinely care about my feelings in a long time (besides Matthew or my Grandpa) and when I tried to tell her I was fine…she just walked over to me and gave me a big hug. She told me she knew I wasn’t but that I would be. 

She leaned back just a little and gave me a quick kiss and I nearly stopped breathing right there. I couldn’t believe that this beautiful girl had just kissed me…and I almost forgot where I was. I waited so long to respond that she thought I was mad or that she misread my feelings for her and started to apologize to me. 

When I finally came back down to earth and realized what was happening…I told her not to apologize…that I was just surprised…in a good way. She smiled again and took my hand and we sat on the bench overlooking the rest of my parent’s property…just talking about anything and everything. She told me that I couldn’t say anything about the kiss to anyone…especially my parents. I knew she was right…if they found out about her…or that I liked girls…they’d fire her immediately…so I told her not to worry about it. 

We stayed like that for a long time…her holding me…kissing once in a while…but mainly just talking. We were there much longer than either of us realized and it became so late we realized she would probably have to sneak out so my parents wouldn’t find out she was still there and ask why she was there so late. 

I was just about to check to see if my parents were asleep when I heard my mom and dad fighting downstairs. I knew the guests had left quite a while ago and all of the staff had already returned to their own living quarters, so to hear both of them yelling at that time caught me off guard. They must’ve assumed I was asleep and wouldn’t hear them fighting. I snuck over to the top landing…with Lauren not far behind me…and listened in to the argument. What I heard shocked me beyond belief. 

“Just how much have you had to drink tonight Elizabeth?” 

“Oh…Don’t pretend you care now, Alex. Besides…it’ll never be enough to make me forget was a bastard you are!”

“I’m not worried about you…you cold hearted bitch! I was just curious if your current drunken state was caused in part because of your inability to find a male companion for this evening…or if it had become a normal part of your nightly routine?”

“What does it matter to you? You’re heading back to your whore now aren’t you?”

“First…I NEVER want to hear you call her that again! Second…my concern is not for you…it’s for Emily. If she were to need you…you’re obviously in no state to be of any help to her. You can’t even help yourself.”

“Why pretend to care about Emily now…where was that concern when you were screwing the help…or playing house across town with someone else?”

“You knew from the beginning our marriage was never real Elizabeth…it never was for either one of us. I pretend not to notice the dozens of men that come and go from here and I live my own life. At least I can remember who I sleep with. I doubt you can even remember the names or faces of half the guys you’ve been with.”

“All I have to remember is that they aren’t you…you worthless excuse for a man!”

“Oh please…don’t pretend you are some patron saint. I never wanted to marry you in the first place! Had it not been for you being pregnant…well...we both know we wouldn’t be stuck in the mess we are now!” 

“We were only married because our parents insisted. I wasn’t any happier about it than you. Besides…if you knew how to use a condom…I wouldn’t have ended up pregnant in the first place. You think I wanted to be tied down with a kid at my age? My career was just starting to take off…I had plans that didn’t include a kid or marrying you. One stupid night and I’m stuck with you because our damn parents insisted we get married. Damn Catholics and their righteous indignation anyway!”

“Good to see you have a firm grasp on what’s important…you hateful shrew. Hopefully Emily never hears you speaking like that. I should’ve known better than to leave her with you…but you insisted she was better off with you instead of me. Now I have to wonder.”

“How dare you question my concern for my daughter? I care for Emily. I always have. At least I’m here and not halfway across town pretending to be away on business.”

“You care for plants…or stray animals Elizabeth…you are supposed to love your child. I may not be here as much as I would like…but at least I love Emily. Can you say the same?” 

“You love Emily? Really? Funny…I don’t think I’ve ever once heard you say that to her.” 

“The same could be said for you my dear. I suppose we both could use some improvements in that area. It does us no good to keep rehashing the same tired argument over and over again. Emily is getting older and soon this nightmare of a marriage will be over one way or another. Once our parents are gone…or Emily turns 18 and has full control over all of her trust funds…our sham of a marriage will finally be over and we can live the lives we actually want to…instead of the ones that were forced on us. Until then…we’re stuck playing this stupid charade because of your job and our parents holding Emily’s trust funds over our heads. But don’t push me or I’ll walk away from you, this stupid charade we’re playing for everyone else’s benefit, and I’ll take Emily with me. Because right now…you are not responsible enough to care for her. You’re so drunk you can barely stand up…and god knows what kind of men you have coming in and out of here at all hours of the day and night. I should have never left her in your care in the first place.”

“I’m perfectly capable of raising Emily…how dare you suggest otherwise. Besides…I only drink so that I can tolerate spending time with you.” 

“I can’t deal with you anymore tonight. I’ll be back later in the week and I’ll spend time with Emily then. Maybe by that time…you’ll sober up and I’ll be able to stand to be in the same room with you. If Emily asks…I had to leave on a business trip.”

“Of course…just like always. Just leave…run back to your other life…or was it a business trip. I’ll take care of Emily like I always do.”

With that…I watched as my father picked up his bags and storm out the front door. My mother threw her tumbler against the door…amber liquid and glass shards spraying the entryway as my mother quietly muttered “bastard” before walking out of the room. 

I turned to look at Lauren…shocked by everything I had heard…still trying to process it all. 

My parent’s marriage was a complete lie. They’re only pretending to be together because they were forced to get married…because of me? They both said that they didn’t want me and I was just an accident? Did they consider getting rid of me? Why didn’t they? Was it because of their religion or did something else keep them from it? Would we all have been better off if they did? 

Both of my parents are having affairs with other people and they’re bragging about it to the other? Meanwhile, my dad is living across town with someone else? Who is it he’s living with? And he lies to me telling me he is on a business trip instead? How long has this been going on? Is that why they’ve never been around me when I was growing up? Because they never wanted me in the first place or because I was some painful reminder of a marriage they never wanted to be stuck in? 

Everything I thought I knew about my parents just blew up in my face in one conversation that I was never meant to hear. But now that I have heard it…I can never un-hear it…and now I have so many questions that I need answers to. Who is it that my dad is living with and where? What else don’t I know? How do I find the answers to all of my questions when my parents have obviously been lying to me my entire life? 

Lauren wrapped me in a hug…quietly whispering that everything would be okay. Somewhere deep inside though…I knew it wouldn’t. I knew it was only going to get worse from here…and I was right.


	33. Confronting the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Every doorway, every intersection has a story.” ~ Katherine Dunn

“Time, which changes people, does not alter the image we have retained of them.” ~ Marcel Proust  
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Chapter 33

As I sit there…just remembering that horrible night…I turn the page expecting to find more, only to realize I’ve reached the end of that file, but there was no map inside…only painful memories. I shake my head…trying to clear my mind of the feelings from that night just as Matthew takes my hand and gently squeezes it. 

I hear him say “I remember that night. My parents were away on a business trip and I had to go with them. You were worried that your parents were trying to set you up with one of the boys your mother’s friend worked with. You had hoped I would be there…or at least John would…to try and save you from being set up with that guy. I know John wasn’t able to go either. You never mentioned whether your mother tried to set you up with him or not. The only thing I do remember was that you called me the next day all freaked out. At first I thought it was about the guy you were worried about…until you told me about what you overheard your parents arguing about. But, you never mentioned Lauren being there though. Did she stay with you after that happened?”

Still caught halfway between the memory and the conversation with Matthew, I had completely forgotten about the guy my parents had tried to set me up with that night. I nearly gasp as I remember who it was. 

That was the night I met Lucas for the first time. No wonder this was the first file I picked up. I had completely forgotten about that. I basically ignored him because I knew I would be seeing Lauren later and didn’t give it much thought afterward. I ran into him a few times after that…but he always seemed nice…polite. 

It wasn’t until a few years later…when I was back in the States that I actually met up with him again at College. By that time…so much had happened and it was just nice to be able to connect with someone familiar that I ended up talking to him at a party. I just wanted to be friends…but…things just got out of hand. I wonder now though if he remembered that night differently.

I vaguely remember seeing Lauren’s picture when I was fighting with Lucas…before I ended up trapped in my head. Did Lucas do something to her? If so…he must’ve seen her right after that party…but why do something to her? I feel like I’m missing some piece of the puzzle. Probably in one of these damn files somewhere. 

I feel Matthew squeeze my hand again…”Em…seems like you’re starting to put some of the pieces together. Maybe reading some more of those files will help you sort out more of what you’re missing. But before you do, I want you to fill me in on what else happened after we talked. After you told me what happened that night…that your parents fought…you just said that you’d find a way to figure out what your parents were hiding. How did you plan on doing that…or did you even have a plan?” Matthew asked. 

“No…I didn’t really have a plan…but Lauren said she had a few ideas on finding out more information for me. She said she didn’t want to get my hopes up…but if she found out anything…she’d let me know.” 

“And did she…find out more?” Matthew asked.

“Yeah…I mean it took a little while…but right before my 15th birthday…you remember…the birthday that both of my parents completely forgot about…she said she had some information about where my dad had been staying.” 

“How did she manage to do that…or do I even want to know?”

“I found out later that she had been following him…keeping an eye on him. You know…where he went…who he spent time with…that kind of thing. Though looking back on it now…I really wish I wouldn’t have involved her in any of it.” I quietly say. 

“She told me that she could keep what she found out to herself…that she didn’t have to tell me any of it if I really didn’t want to know…but I knew I had to find out the truth.” I continued. 

It took me a while to ask her for the information and even more time to work up enough nerve to confront him…but I finally did. Lauren was old enough to drive, so a week or so before my birthday, I had her follow him one night…taking me with her. It was a on a night that my mother was away on business and he said he was going to be gone on yet another business trip. I was amazed that she was able to keep up with him…considering how carefully he had hidden his tracks and how secretive the location was he was staying. 

I remember telling her that she’d make a good spy someday. She just smiled and said she had other plans for her future that didn’t include working undercover, even if it did feel exciting and kind of dangerous. Although I do remember her telling me that night that she could see me doing that kind of work when I was older. 

I told her that I might consider it…but only if I could be as good as she was at it. It was my attempt at flirting…but it seemed to work, since right before I got ready to head to the door to my dad’s hidden second home, Lauren kissed me with a level of passion that she had never kissed me with before. I nearly changed my mind about confronting my dad…in favor of staying in the car with her. 

I realize now that she was probably trying to spare me from what I would find when I confronted my dad. She also had become more affectionate with me in the weeks since I overheard the fight between my parents. I think it was her way of showing me that someone really did care about me…that she really cared about me…even if my parents didn’t. 

I finally broke away from the kiss and steadied my nerves for the impending confrontation. Lauren asked once more if I was sure about what I was going to do. I told her I needed to know the truth. Part of me wishes now I would have just left well enough alone…but another part of me realizes that I would have always wondered what the truth was…so in the end…I really only had one option. 

I slowly approached the door of the average looking home. It wasn’t what I pictured my dad living in, considering the immaculate looking mansions I grew up in. I suppose those were choices my mother made…but still. This house seemed too common a home for my dad to be living in, but Lauren insisted she had seen him return here several times and open the door with a key. 

I finally worked up enough nerve to knock on the door and heard a familiar sounding voice on the other side asking “Yes…can I help you?” as the door opened. 

I was shocked to see Isabella, the former housekeeper my mother had fired several years prior, standing in front of me. She was just as shocked to see me standing in front of her. We both stood there staring at one another…not saying a word for several minutes. Finally, I heard my father speaking in the background…asking if everything was alright. He came to the door and was both shocked and angry to see me standing there. 

Isabella quickly apologized to me and then excused herself, leaving my father and me in the threshold of the door. At first, I wasn’t sure what to say or do. I had been prepared to confront my father and his mistress, but to see Isabella…the one person that worked for my family that I had actually cared for years earlier; standing in front of me…I was at a loss for words. 

Then it all started to fall into place. The reason my mother had fired her so abruptly and Isabella had simply vanished. My mother must’ve realized my father and her were having an affair and had fired her because of it. 

“What are you doing here Emily?” My father asked. 

I steeled my nerves before replying “I was about to ask you the same thing father” I coolly replied. “You said you were away on business…but that is obviously not the case.”

“I ran into Isabella in town. I simply stopped by to see how she was doing before I left on my business trip. How did you find me? What exactly are you doing all the way out here?” My father lied…trying to deflect the true nature of what he was doing and why he was there. 

“Father…I know you did not simply run into Isabella in town. I know you are not really going away on a business trip…that your business trip is just a lie so that you can come here and stay with her instead of staying at our home with mother and me.” I replied…just a hint of anger tinting my voice. 

“How dare you take that tone with me young lady…and just what are you accusing me of exactly?” My father harshly responded. 

“I overheard you and mother arguing several weeks ago…I know you have been living here with Isabella for quite some time and just telling me that you are away on business trips. I know that your marriage to mother isn’t real…it never was. You only pretend to be married to each other because you have to…because of me. Why not just tell me the truth? Did you think I was better off with two parents that were never there and only pretended to care for each other when there was a crowd…or did you actually think you were doing what was best for me?” I ask…trying to maintain my composure as I was on the verge of tears at this point. 

At hearing my response…my father paled and his voice immediately softened. “Emily…sweetheart…you were never meant to hear that. I am sorry. Your mother and I did what we felt was best for you…what is best given the circumstances. It’s just very complicated.” My father looked genuinely remorseful. 

“But you still haven’t answered my question from earlier. How did you find me and how did you get all the way out here?” He asked as he looked around behind me for any sign as to how I managed to get all the way across town. Thankfully…he didn’t seem to see Lauren’s car. She managed to park just out of sight of the door. 

“How I got here isn’t important. You say that it’s complicated, so help me understand. If it’s just about the trust funds that you say your parents and my grandmother are holding over your head…I don’t care about those. I hate having to pretend our family is perfect when it’s obviously not. You and mother are miserable. And what about Isabella…she can’t be happy living a lie either. No one is happy with this situation…so why let it continue to drag on like this?” I ask…genuinely confused by why this charade has to continue. 

“I know don’t you believe the trust funds are important to you…and maybe they aren’t right now…but one day they will be. Even if they never are…there is a lot more at stake than just that. Why don’t you just come inside Emily…there’s a lot more to this story that you don’t understand. Once I explain it all to you…I think you’ll understand why this charade has to continue on…at least for a little while longer.” My father states as he moves to the side and opens the door for me to enter the house. 

As I walk in…I see Isabella standing near the entry to the kitchen…seeing her again that day was definitely a surprise. However…that was definitely not the biggest surprise I had in store for me that day.


	34. My Father's "Business Trips"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Divorce is not the end of the world. It's worse to stay in an unhealthy marriage. That's a worse example for the children.” ~ Jerry Hall

“Love is moral even without legal marriage, but marriage is immoral without love.” ~ Ellen Key  
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Chapter 34

“Come on in Emily…have a seat.” My father quietly states as he points towards the couch in the living room. 

I slowly make my way to the couch…taking in my surroundings as I do. This house…unlike mine…has a homey…lived in feel to it. A place that almost anyone would feel comfortable in. Anyone that stepped through that door probably did feel completely at home here. Anyone that is…except for me I suppose. And maybe I would’ve too…under different circumstances. But at this moment… I just felt so out of place. This was my father’s home…but I felt like a complete stranger here. 

I wonder…was the warm, inviting feeling this home had because of Isabella…or was there another side to my father that I had just never seen? I suddenly realized as much as they were both trying to make me feel welcomed…I just felt like I didn’t belong there. It really was such a strange feeling…seeing my father in this whole other life…in a different home…looking almost sad to see me. I had a feeling that whatever it was that he wanted to talk to me about was something serious. That feeling only got stronger as he came in and sat down across from and started to speak. 

“Emily…sweetheart. There are some things I need to tell you…but you cannot tell anyone what I’m about to share with you.” 

My confusion only grew more intense with this comment. I assumed that my mother already knew he was involved with Isabella…and that was why she was fired. What else could he possibly tell me that I would need to keep a secret…and who would I need to keep it a secret from. “What’s going on? I thought mother already knew about you and Isabella. Isn’t that why she fired her? What else is there? And what secrets are you talking about me keeping? I don’t understand.” I fire off my responses in rapid succession. 

“I understand how confusing this must be for you sweetheart. If you’ll give me the chance to explain, I think you’ll understand everything…please.” My father quietly replies. 

I simply nod in response. 

However, before my father can explain any further…I hear a sound that catches me completely off guard. At first…I don’t recognize it. Then…when I do…I’m shocked into silence once again. 

I hear Isabella quietly state “Sorry about that…I’ll take care of everything. You two keep talking and I’ll be right back.” 

I watch as Isabella rushes up the stairs and disappears out of sight. I finally look over at my father and ask “was that a baby crying?”

“Yes. That was part of what I wanted to talk to you about sweetheart.” My father quietly replies…a hint of sadness and remorse tinting his voice. 

Still not wanting to believe what I heard…or fully acknowledging the magnitude of everything yet, I ask “whose baby is it?”

“It’s ours sweetheart. Mine and Isabella’s.” My father replied. 

“You have a kid with her?” I reply…shock beginning to set in. 

“Yes Emily. Please…let me explain everything to you…then you can ask me anything you would like. Ok?” My father replies. 

I nod in reply…still not able to fully process this new information yet anyway. 

“You said you overheard the argument your mother and I had a few weeks ago, and for that, I’m truly sorry. You said you heard the two of us arguing about Isabella and the affairs your mother had as well. All of that was true. We never did want to get married, but because of our parents strict religious beliefs, when we found out your mother was pregnant with you, they insisted we get married. We agreed our parents insisted it was our only choice. We thought we could make things work and we thought…at the time…that it was what was best for you as well.” My father stated. 

Continuing on…my father said “it didn’t take either of us long to realize it had been a mistake to go along with their insistence on marriage, but we decided that we would try to make things work because we still thought it was best for you at the time. We agreed that we would see whomever we wanted to in private, but keep up appearances for our parents and in public because of your mother’s career. I need you to understand though that just because my marriage to your mother wasn’t real…it didn’t change how I felt about you. I always cherished you. I thought I was doing the right thing for you. I had planned to tell you about Isabella and me once you were older. I didn’t want you to find out like this…but now that you have…I want you to know about everything.” 

My father stopped for a brief minute to glance up at me…making sure he still had my attention before continuing on. “You asked earlier if your mother knew about Isabella and me. The answer to that question is yes. But you wrong about why Isabella stopped working for us. Your mother had known about Isabella and me for a while. Just as I had known about the affairs your mother was having. We agreed years earlier not to interfere in that part of each other’s lives and to make it appear to everyone else that we were the perfect family.”

“Unfortunately, your mother discovered that Isabella was pregnant. We all realized that we would not be able to hide that from the rest of the staff…or from you…and so Isabella left. Your mother was also particularly angry because she had discovered around that time she was unable to have any more children…and she felt as though Isabella and I were purposely taunting her with our news. That had not been our intention…and in fact…I had not known what Elizabeth had found out until after I told her of Isabella’s condition. Elizabeth and I fought constantly…over nearly everything. But even given our contentious relationship…even I felt bad for delivering news like that such a short time after she discovered her news.” My father finished and looked to me. 

“You said Isabella was pregnant and that was why mother fired her…but that was a few years ago. I heard a baby just a minute ago. If Isabella was pregnant back then…that kid wouldn’t still be a baby…” I start ask what happened to the first baby when my father answers my unasked question. 

“You’re right. The child Isabella was pregnant with when she left isn’t a baby now. That’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about…and part of what I need you to keep a secret. Isabella and I have more than one child together…we have three children together. Two sons and a daughter. Your mother is aware of them…as is Isabella’s family…but no one else knows about them…except of course now you.” 

“You have three kids with her…three? And you want me to what…pretend they don’t exist? Well…I guess that’s what you and mother do with me most of the time. That explains why you are never around for holidays or anything like that…you’re here with your real family instead.” I reply…anger over-riding my shock at this point. 

My entire life I grew up believing I was an only child. I grew up in a home…alone…with staff that left me to fend for myself most of the time and parents that were mostly non-existent…only to find out that my father was raising an entirely different family across town…and my mother was apparently having affairs with men whenever she had any free time instead of spending any time at all with me. 

I had been lonely and confused before…but now I was bitter as well. I didn’t choose to be born into this world only to be left alone…it wasn’t my fault that I was some accident caused by a regrettable one-night stand. But yet…I seemed to be the only one paying a price for it. 

Isabella had walked down the stairs just as I finished the last part of my angry statement meant for my father and replied softly “Emily dear…you are a part of this family too. Those children upstairs are your brothers and sister. I want you to know that your father and I care about you very much…and you’re always welcome here.”

“No offense Isabella, really. But…I don’t feel welcome here. I feel like a stranger here…but oddly enough…I feel like that at home most of the time too. I guess that’s probably because I’m the only one that’s ever there. As for my brothers and sister upstairs…that’s just great. I always wanted siblings…too bad according to father…I can never talk to anyone about them. And why is that again? You never did say exactly why I had to keep all of this a secret anyway.” I continue to try and keep my anger in check…but its bubbling just below the surface. 

“Emily…sweetheart. I know this is a lot to take in all at once. For that…I am sorry. But Isabella is right. You are always welcome here…and our children are your siblings and we’d love for you to spend more time with them…get to know them. As for why you have to keep this all a secret...it’s unfortunately the same reason why I have to stay married to your mother and cannot officially be with Isabella right now. Until you turn 18 or all of your grandparents pass away, you will not have full control over all of your trust funds. Isabella, your mother, and I all agreed that it would be best to wait until whichever of those came first before your mother and I divorce. At that time, I will be able to marry Isabella and officially claim our children. Until then, I won’t risk your future as long as I am able to still provide for Isabella and our children in an unofficial capacity.” 

“So you’re saying that everyone’s future is on hold because of some stupid trust fund and some agreement you and mother made with your parents years ago? What’s the worst that could happen if you divorced mother now? So they take away my trust fund…I told you already…I don’t care about it. This whole arrangement and trust fund thing is making everyone miserable.” I argue. 

“I wish it were that simple sweetheart…I really do. And I know you said you don’t care about the trust funds…and maybe you never will…but I do. They are a safety net for your future…and I will not take that away from you. Your mother and I have taken so much away from you as it is…I refuse to take away your chance at an amazing future as well. Besides…if your mother and I divorced now…our parents would ensure that your mother’s career ended immediately on bad terms…that mine would as well…and that Isabella and her family were exiled and that our children were left penniless with no chance of a future at all. They would completely destroy our entire family…both of our families…and I won’t risk all of that…not when we just have to wait few more years. Please help me keep this secret…just for a little while longer. I promise you it won’t be forever.” My father implored. 

Just as I started to reply…I saw a younger man walk through the front door. 

Isabella walked over to greet him and they talked at the door for a brief time before he came over to join us all in the living room. 

Isabella said “Emily…I would like you to meet my brother Thomas. Thomas…this is Emily...Alex and Elizabeth’s daughter.” 

Thomas reached out his hand to take mine as he said “Nice to meet you. Your dad talks about you all the time…”

“Wish I could say the same” I mutter bitterly. 

“Emily….would you like to stay for dinner?” Isabella asked. 

“No…I really need to get going…I have some homework to work on.” I replied quietly. 

“Oh…okay then…well…maybe another night then.” Isabella stated. “Tommie…would you help me in the kitchen?”

“Yeah…sure. Nice to meet you Emily.” Thomas replied as he followed Isabella into the kitchen. 

“So…Emily…will you promise me you won’t say anything about this to anyone else…please.” My father asked again.

“Yeah…I guess.” I replied as I rose from my seat and started to make my way to the door. 

I didn’t know it at the time…but this would end up being the first of a lifetime of secrets and lies I would end up having to keep…for one reason or another. There always seemed to be a good reason to keep them at the time…but when you are raised to be honest and genuine and then told to forget everything you were ever taught and start acting, behaving, or believing something completely different…you can’t help but wonder what is right and wrong…what is true and what is a lie…and who you really are meant to be…or if everything you once held dear was just a façade. 

My father rose from his seat…realizing I was getting ready to leave. As I reached the door, he pulled me into a hug. I was momentarily caught off guard as he had not hugged me in years. “Thank you sweetheart” was his soft reply. 

I stood at the door for a moment before turning to ask him one final question…something that occurred to me right before I left. “You know…neither one of you told me how old they were or what their names were.”

“Your brothers and sister?”

I nod in response. 

“Ethan just turned 4…Jesse is almost 2…and Olivia is just a few weeks old.” My father smiled as he responded. It was the kind of smile I rarely saw him display…probably something akin to fatherly pride…and probably why I never saw it before. I doubt he was ever truly proud of me before…but something about simply talking about his children with Isabella filled him with an immeasurable amount of pride that he simply could not contain it…even around me…and even when displaying that pride in front of me inflicted some level of pain on me…even if it were unintentional on his part.

I just nodded to him and turned to walk back towards the car that I arrived in…hoping Lauren was still there waiting on me. I heard my father in the distance asking how I would get back home. 

“Don’t worry about me…I have it covered.” I quickly responded as I made my way around the corner. 

I was relieved to find Lauren still sitting down the road waiting for me. I ran to the car…knocked on the door…heard the door unlock…and hopped in. She started to ask how things went but I told her I’d explain on the way home…but that she needed to get going…just in case my father followed me. I didn’t want to risk anyone finding out she helped me. 

She left the area quickly…but my relief was short-lived when she told me that while she was waiting for me…she saw someone she knew from school. I didn’t think much of it at first…until she said who it was…Isabella’s brother Thomas. They spoke briefly…he asked what she was doing there. She had told him she had been out for a drive and had stopped there because her car had briefly overheated. She was just waiting for it to cool down before she continued on. He had checked her car over for her and everything looked okay…she thanked him and he continued on home. 

I knew then that if Thomas mentioned running into someone named Lauren outside…my father might realize how I found him. I just had to hope Thomas wouldn’t mention it. The problem was…I knew my luck never held out…and deep down…I knew this time would probably be no different.


	35. Birthday Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please note that other triggering content (self-harm and suicide will be discussed) throughout the story. Please be forewarned and take precautions if these are troubling for you.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and kudos. My muse and I both appreciate it. This is still, as of now, planned to be a fairly long, multi-part story, but if you all aren’t into it…I’ll wrap it up before too long. 
> 
> And remember…reviews and kudos keep me and my muse motivated…especially if they’re positive!!!
> 
> ***More drama and more secrets revealed***
> 
> I hope you enjoy this latest chapter…Now on with the show!!!

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“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” ~ Jesse Jackson 

“I know that in my own mind, I struggle with a desire to be both entirely absent and entirely present in any given moment.” ~ K. Flay  
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Chapter 35

I faintly hear what sounds like whispering…and then it’s a little louder…just barely loud enough for me to hear…“Mom…I’m here now. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to protect you and Summer…or JJ…from that bastard…but I will protect you now. No one will ever hurt you again. No one will ever hurt any of you again. You have my word. All you have to do now is fight your way back to us. I know you’re scared…we’re all scared too. I know that you’re scared of coming back and facing everything…but we’re terrified of facing life without you in it. Please don’t make us face that…please hear us and find your way back to all of us that need you…please mom.”

“Matthew? Did you hear that? It sounded like Chance.” I ask, but before he can answer me…I hear it again…but this time…it’s a different voice. 

“Chance is right mom…please come back to us…we love you and need you.” 

“Summer?” I whisper. Then I hear one more voice…one that I recognize immediately. 

“Listen to your kids, baby…we all need you…we all love you…please come back to us” It’s JJ. 

Only I could swear I felt her squeeze my hand too. So much so that I look down at my hand to make sure she wasn’t really there. 

“Matthew…what’s going on? Why can I hear them? Did I really just feel JJ squeeze my hand?” I ask…confused. 

“Yeah Em…I heard them…and given what I know about you and JJ…how connected the two of you have been over the years…you probably were able to feel her squeeze your hand. I told you that you might be able to hear people around you from time to time…since we’re really just trapped in your mind right now…and I’m just here trying to help you find your way out.” Matthew smiled as he reminded me that what I was seeing all around me wasn’t actually real…that I wasn’t in some room in my old house in Italy reminiscing with an old friend. I’m really just in some weird place caught in between life and death. 

Funny…this is yet another version of the “afterlife” that I had just been wondering about not too long ago. Guess you should be careful what you wish for…because you just might get it. 

“I forgot you told me that…I had gotten so wrapped up in telling you about everything, I felt like it was happening all over again. That’s weird, right? Talking about something that happened so long ago…but feeling like you’re reliving it?” I ask. 

“No Em…it isn’t weird at all. Actually…that’s what you’re supposed to be doing…and why I’m here. There are things that you’ve buried and hidden for so long that you probably don’t even remember them. One of those might be the key to getting you out of here…out of your head and back to your family…or if you don’t want to go back…moving on with me. That’s one decision that…if you find the map in time…will be entirely up to you.” 

I nod…almost forgetting about the time constraints Matthew had mentioned to me. “So…how much time do I have left to find this map?” 

“You let me worry about the time…and you focus on those files…and finding that map…okay?” Matthew smiles at me. “I’ll let you know if you’re getting close on time. For now…let’s get back to what we were talking about before.”

I nod…still thinking about what Chance, Summer, and JJ all said. They all told me that they loved me and needed me…but I have to wonder…would they be better off without me? Would everyone? Given my past and everyone that’s been hurt because of me… 

I feel Matthew gently squeeze my hand as he asks “So…did you tell Lauren what happened…what you found out?” 

I shake my head clear of my earlier thoughts and try to refocus on what he asked…remembering what we’d been talking about earlier. 

“No…I just told her that I confronted my dad and he admitted it. I did tell her to be careful around Tom though…that he knew my dad and if he mentioned anything about running into her outside…that my dad might realize how I found him.” 

“So…what happened after you left your dad’s place?” Matthew asked. 

“We just went for a drive…no one was at my place…so Lauren just drove around for a while. She said she knew somewhere that we could get away from everyone and everything…which was exactly what I felt like doing in that moment. We ended up at the lighthouse in Anzio. I’d never been there before…but with the beach and all of the caves along the shoreline…you really could just hide away from everyone else.” 

“So that’s how you found that place? I always wondered about that. I knew you would go there when you needed to think…or wanted to be alone. I just never knew how you found it or when you started going there. I guess it makes sense now.” Matthew replies. 

“We walked along the beach for a while…and found one of the caves to sit in while we watched the sunset. It really was relaxing and it Lauren was so sweet…she never pushed for me to answer any questions. She just stayed with me and quietly supported me…which was what I needed then. That ended up becoming ‘our spot’…if you will. Anytime we could…we came back to that same cave so we could be alone…just the two of us.” 

“And you never told her about what you found out…about your dad’s secret life?” Matthew asked. 

“No…I didn’t really see any need in telling her…you were the only one that I said anything to…and that wasn’t until later on. And you know…I hadn’t really been planning on saying anything to you either…but after what happened that night you found me…I knew I had to explain why I did what I did…so you’d understand. Besides…I knew after what happened that night…after everything else that had happened…you’d never say anything to anyone else.” 

“Of course not. You probably didn’t realize it at the time…but you were one of the most important people in the world to me back then Emily. You were my family…my best friend…my everything. I would never have betrayed your trust.” Matthew offered a smile as he glanced my direction. 

“And you were the one person that I trusted more than anyone else at that point in my life…and why I shared more with you than I did with anyone else…even Lauren.” I explained. 

“I remember you spending a lot of time with her leading up to your birthday and then for a little while after…then your parents had that weird belated birthday party for you…and a month or so later…her and her family moved back to the states. I remember you were so upset when that happened…but given everything else that was going on at the same time…you told me you thought it was for the best. I knew there was more to the story…but I didn’t ask at the time. It wasn’t until later you filled me in on everything. Maybe if you would’ve told me at the time I could’ve helped more.” Matthew sadly stated. 

“In all honesty Mattie…I didn’t know the whole story until later either….until it was too late to do anything about any of it. Everything seemed to be going really good between Lauren and me…she was even there for me when my parents were a no-show on my birthday. I can’t say I’m surprised they weren’t there…but that was the first year they didn’t even have the staff bring a card or gift or anything. It wasn’t until a day or so later they realized what they did and apparently their guilt kicked in and they planned that stupid party.” I start my explanation. 

“I wish now they would’ve just forgotten about it entirely…given how everything turned out…but I guess you can’t change the past. They went overboard on presents for me…they added assets to my portfolio…properties that I would inherit as part of my trust…more money to my trust fund that I didn’t want in the first place…another prized quarter horse in the stable…though I did enjoy riding…a new, ridiculously expensive car…and of course…my father’s ultimate bribe…private lessons for my pilot’s license along with a plane that I would obtain once I passed the test for the license. He knew I wanted to learn to fly…so he arranged for me to work with a private pilot to learn to fly.” I continue. 

“I suppose he thought that would appease me in some way and make me forget about all of the troubling secrets I had learned over the past weeks and months. Nothing like bribing your child into silence. Plus…nothing says ‘I love you’ like a bunch of material possessions with no emotional investment whatsoever…along with a formal party with a ton of dignitaries…ambassadors…and socialites that I had no interest in spending time with at all. On top of that…I knew they still had an ulterior motive of setting me up with Lucas…the son of my mother’s snooty co-worker. I had zero interest in him whatsoever…so I made sure that both you and John would be at the party that night.” I finished. 

“Yeah…I remember you calling to make sure we would both be there. Thankfully…we were both going to be in town. The only thing I remember about him though was that he was a little creepy and followed all of us around for the first part of the night. I don’t remember a lot about that night…other than the three of us tried to stick together…and stay away from him. Other than that…you kept mentioning Lauren and how she had some special birthday surprise planned for you that upcoming weekend.” Matthew replied. 

“The sad thing about that night was that I only remember a few things…that I spent most of my night with you and John…but your parents had to leave early for business the next morning so you ended up leaving early. I did end up having one short dance with Lucas…just to make my parents happy…but I made sure John was there and cut in before it drug on too long. I thought Lucas was just trying to fit in…being sweet and polite that night. He kept bringing both of us punch and snacks. Looking back on it…I wonder if he didn’t put something in the food or punch since neither John or I could remember much about that night. I remember offering to show John the new horse my mother bought me and we walked down to the stables.” I glance up at Matthew as I start remembering more about the party. 

“The next thing either of us remembered was waking up the next morning…still in the stables…realizing we had slept together. I knew John had always had a crush on me…but I never felt that way about him. I have no idea if John was being honest with me when he said didn’t remember anything at all…given the crush he had on me. Or if he just said that because he was scared of what I might say or do…given how shocked I was waking up next to him that morning realizing what happened. Either way…we both know how that turned out. Now though I have to wonder…if Lucas did put something in our drinks or food…was he hoping to knock John out…get him out of the way…so he could be there with me instead? Was that his plan…and John just got in the way? Or am I just making up some excuse for my poor judgment?” I ask. 

“You may be on to something there Em…given everything that happened after that…and everything that Lucas did later on. I remember waking up feeling like crap the next day too. Maybe he planned on drugging both of us hoping to get John and I out of the way so he could get you alone that night. Since I left early…John says he doesn’t remember and you don’t remember. We can only guess about what would’ve happened…the only thing we do know is that you end up sleeping with John that night regardless of what Lucas might’ve been planning. Guess we’ll never know what might’ve happened…or what he might’ve been planning.” Matthew interjects. 

“Guess not…It doesn’t matter though. Either way…We both tried to pretend like nothing happened…since neither of us could remember it anyway. I went ahead and met up with Lauren later that week and she had this amazing, romantic surprise waiting for me at our spot. Both of my parents were away on business…again… so we didn’t have to worry about rushing back home. She had all of these candles out and this blanket on the ground…and music playing in the background. From where we were…you could see the ocean and the moon just above the ocean…it was breath-taking. Almost as breath-taking as Lauren was that night. We danced together to the music…and for one night I almost forgot everything that was wrong in my life.” I smile sadly as I remember holding Lauren…dancing to the music under the moonlight. 

“I got lost in her blue eyes. I never wanted that night to end. We spent the night together…making love all night. That was her way of celebrating my birthday...of showing me that she really did love me. It was the most amazing night of my life. She was so sweet…so loving. It was the first time in my life that I truly felt like someone actually cared about me…and wanted to be with me. Nothing against what the two of us shared…because I know you loved me too…just in a different way.” I glanced up at Matthew and see him nod back at me. 

I continue with my story after seeing that he understands what I meant…“The guilt over what I had done with John earlier nearly killed me…but I just bottled that up inside and kept it to myself. I knew it was a mistake and one that I had no intention of ever repeating. I didn’t want to be with John…I wanted to be with Lauren….and I wasn’t going to let one mistake that I didn’t even remember ruin what I had with her.” 

“Except that it did…didn’t it?” Matthew sadly replied.


End file.
